reflections Archives - TheSanityPlan

I’m Not JUST a Stay at Home Mom

September 11, 2017 By Sara M. 8 Comments

Am I?

It’s certainly how I’ve thought of myself for the past three years, ever since I was laid off from my Finance position at a Fortune 500 company. I haven’t done any “traditional” or “full-time” work since.

Sure, there’s the argument that staying home with the kids is work. Which it most definitely is. And I’m certainly busy. In fact, most days I wonder how I ever used to work at all. But even without a full-time job, my list of domestic failings is so long that I often wonder:

“What am I doing wrong?!”

It’s pretty typical that I compare my shortcomings to other mothers’ accomplishments. One day my husband was describing in full detail watching his grandmother make pies from scratch, painstakingly crafting and rolling out the pie crust by hand. I listened intently as he reminisced about the unbelievable buttery taste, superior to any store-bought creation that passes as dessert today. To which I remarked, “I don’t know how mothers used to have time to do that.” I have NEVER EVER made any pie crust by hand. It simply would take too much time (and require more patience and skill than I currently possess). But it’s not just the baking, it’s the stories of mothers who sewed clothes for their children, ironed their husband’s shirts, grew their own fruits and vegetables, made every meal from scratch, and on and on.

When I voiced my inadequacy, my husband put it simply, “You’re not really a stay at home mom.”

I’m not? It certainly feels that way most days. I handle the kids 100% during the day while my husband works and we share the responsibilities at night. I feed the family their meals, including my husband when he is working from home. I do never-ending laundry and try to keep the mess from overtaking all of our spaces. I handle groceries and supplies. I cart the kids to and fro. That’s all stay at home mom material.

It’s only reinforced by the fact that I can see that my Facebook posts are primarily about our children and family. My husband will be talking about business with me (one of my favorite topics, seriously!), and my mind will wander to wondering when I can take the kids apple picking. Where the children are at developmentally is one of my go-to conversations. And our friends and family are so used to the idea that I am home with the kids, that no one ever bothers to ask me what I might be doing beyond homemaking.

Yet my husband is right, I actually do so much more.

I am an investor.

I spend a minimum of 1-2 hours per weekday reading business news related to my investments. I am running several different investment strategies across 5 brokerage accounts, which takes time to manage. In addition, I have also been teaching my husband about the stock market and helping him develop his own strategies according to his risk tolerance. At this time, my taxable portfolio is my largest source of income, between $15-20k per year.

I help my husband with his business.

I don’t have as much time to devote as I used to, but I jump in to cover the office while he is away. Because I worked with him for many years and am familiar with the business, I often am his sounding board for problems he encounters.

I am a writer.

For one, I run this blog. Second, I am freelance writing for other sites. Third, I did copy-writing for a company that needed Amazon product pages rewritten. These jobs haven’t added up to a whole lot of income this year, but it was WORK.

When I consider these and other jobs I maintain, it’s easier to see why I am ALWAYS feeling behind on my domestic tasks. I mean, there’s also the fact that I don’t particularly like cleaning and organizing. But when I add up all the hours spent on traditionally non-SAHM tasks, I can see where my husband is coming from.

And I am not the only one. I know many, many other mothers who might appear from the outside to be Stay at Home Moms, but they are all doing more than just the mom thing. I know people who volunteer, do photography, teach or tutor, freelance in various capacities, or do creative work like making jewelry or art. In fact, I know more of these types of hybrid moms than the more traditional ones.

This post is not intended to devalue anyone who is solely a Stay at Home Mom. I sometimes wish that I could just manage the kids and the household and do nothing else. And then I come back to the reality that I am not particularly well suited for that kind of work and devotion. Keeping my mind occupied with the other things I do really helps to keep me sane.

What about you? Are you a SAHM? What else do you do that doesn’t typically fall under that description?

The Sanity Plan’s 1st Birthday

August 31, 2017 By Sara M. Leave a Comment

I can’t believe it’s already been a year since I started The Sanity Plan. So much has changed for me both personally and with the blog during this time.

When I started The Sanity Plan, I was just beginning to consider a career in writing. Over the past year, I’ve continued to explore that idea, publishing articles for other outlets as well as a brief stint in copywriting. I have learned SO much about the writing industry, and have benefited from both a personal essay writing class as well as having a writing coach.

But the best part has really been the commitment of simply having a blog. Posting regularly forced me to practice my writing skills – particularly focusing on structure/tense and coherently expressing ideas. I’ve also had to read a lot more to see what type of content is out in the cyberworld and work through the process of deciding where I want to fit in.

Personally, I’ve grown in the way that I’ve learned how to manage my own website. I’ve even learned a bit about working with images in photoshop. These experiences have broadened my horizon as I think about the next step for my career or other business opportunities. On the homefront, I am expecting a new little man to be born in October, so I know most of these things will take a backseat during that time.

I have made less than $10 from the blog. I was pretty bummed about that for some time, but it has helped me to become a lot more realistic about the blogging world. It is a lot harder than it appears from the outside and requires a lot more time and commitment than I originally expected. And that’s okay. That data was important for me to get so that I can make better decisions about how I spend my time. It’s what helped me realize that I needed to not ignore my investments, which is my primary source of income while I stay at home with the kids.

I’d like to share some statistics with you.

Through the end of August, The Sanity Plan had:

98 posts

7,692 views (best day was 206)

836 comments

My most popular posts were:

306 Shares – My High-Risk Pregnancy Scare: Placenta Previa (this one surprised me)

229 Shares – Dear Mom, Look for Love All Around You

228 Shares – Teaching Teens How to Have Healthy Cell Phone Habits (republished by Thrive Global)

203 Shares – 8 Products for Encouraging Your Child’s Independence

148 Shares – Sanity Plan Success Stories – Embracing Your Dream Career

My most popular posts on other sites were:

7k Shares – Parent.Co – The Gentle Reminder We All Need: “Your Kids Are Doing Their Best”

3k Shares – Scary Mommy – I Stopped Doing All The Things For My Family, And Our World Did Not Fall Apart

2.4k Shares – The Mighty – What It Feels Like to Dissociate

1.2k Shares – The Mighty – 5 Things I Learned After My Child’s Sensory Processing Disorder Diagnosis

Other than the pieces that got lots of sharing love, there were others that really made my day. My book review of “Drop the Ball” was exciting because the author took the time to write me a personal note thanking me for the review. I’ve also enjoyed getting to know fellow writers through sharing personal stories and guest posts – Sara @ GetMomBalanced, Joelene @ Happiness Depends, Kate @ This Life in Progress, and many many more.

I appreciate everyone who has read my stories thus far, and I hope you’ll join me for the rest of my journey. Over the next year, I will be focused on fine-tuning my message and sharing more stories about myself and others who have made their Sanity Plans a reality.

Stay sane, my friends!

Sara M.

5 Things I Did Not Know About My Firstborn

December 26, 2016 By Sara M. 17 Comments

First time parenting is rough. It’s one of those things in life that even preparation leaves you unprepared. I studied early child development during my Psychology degree. I read tons of books while pregnant. I drew on my experiences from taking care of my younger siblings as a teen. I talked to everyone I knew about parenting strategies.

Despite all of this, what I learned about my daughter, my firstborn, was mostly in retrospect after my second arrived.

How “Little” She Really Was

This may sound intuitive to some people, but I continually expected my daughter to be so much more capable than she actually was. I pushed her very hard to be able to sit quietly, entertain herself, play well with other children, and get quickly over disappointments and tantrums.

But now, watching my 22-month-old son, I am struck by how little she really was at this age. Now I “get it” and I am gentler with him (and her) because of it. I better understand how much time it takes to learn to communicate or develop emotional control.

I think part of what made it so hard for us to see was that she was so advanced. She ate with utensils at 10 months old. She spoke in full sentences at 18 months. She could entertain herself for an hour or sometimes more. She appeared so much more mature than she actually was.

How Much She Was Capable of Doing for Herself

I had super high expectations for her on some things, but I also had very low expectations in other ways.

It wasn’t until I enrolled my son in day care at 1 year that I realized how much babies could do for themselves. Their goals for that age were self-feeding and self-care. They were consciously teaching this age group things I was still doing for my daughter at 3.

I had just done so many things for her, instead of taking the time to empower her to do them for herself. I picked out her clothes, dressed her, washed her hands for her, even fed her if it was too messy.

So now, with two little ones, it is a lot easier to encourage him to try more things for himself. And I get a lot more resistance from her because I have helped her for so long. She sees my reluctance to help her with those things as me pushing her away.

How Much She Was Not “Boyish”

At the risk of sparking the gender debate, please remember this is just an account of our experience.

My husband and I watched her approach to life and would often comment that she was more like a boy than a girl. She was aggressive and rough, preferring blocks and cars to dolls and stuffed animals. She wanted to run around, jump around, and be thrown up in the air.

At 1, we noticed she was incredibly mechanically minded, driven to figure out how things worked. She was fascinated by buckles and latches, manipulating any she could get her hands on.

When our boy arrived, it become obvious how wrong we were. The elements of her that had seemed to be “boy-like,” now proved characteristics of her unique personality as opposed to being gender related.

Our son does not ever stop moving. She can sit still for long periods of time exploring a book or a puzzle. Our son is rough and tumble in a different way, often getting hurt without even noticing. Our son climbs everything, whereas it never occurred to our daughter to try some of the things he’s climbed until she saw him do it.

How Kids Are So Different

So often we watch our son do something that instantly reminds us when our daughter did the exact same thing. Their mannerisms are so similar it is eerily reminiscent of déjà vu. And yet, what I’ve really learned is that they can also be so different, despite being so alike.

Our little man is sweet and sensitive, craving physical closeness. She’s much more independent, preferring physical contact on her own terms. She plays imaginatively, while he is very physical: throwing balls, pushing cars, running, and jumping. She loves to communicate; he is not determined to do so. He tends to get frustrated and gives up easily, she will persevere until she solves it.

How Siblings Aren’t Necessarily Good for Each Other

This one was a huge hurt for me. I knew from my husband’s experience that sibling relationships aren’t always easy. However, nothing could have prepared me for what happened.

She was two when he was born. Our son was a difficult baby, who commanded an extraordinary amount of time and attention. She had been very attached to me up until that time, barely allowing anyone else to do anything for her, even my husband.

His arrival broke our bond in a very intense way. Despite our goal of encouraging additional connections in her life, I wish it had not happened in such a drastic manner. Looking back, I don’t think there was much more that we could have done to ease her transition, short of postponing having another baby.

It took her more than a year to even out, get more settled into her new role. We are heartened by the beginning of a relationship between them now that he is almost 2.

*****

These are not things you can learn from a book or a more experienced parent. You have to live them and breathe them, and let the experiences change you. I have regrets, but I can’t change the past. I can learn from these insights, applying them to each new stage as we all grow together.

How Will You Remember Their Childhood?

November 1, 2016 By Sara M. 27 Comments

“I just don’t want to look back on this time as the Dark Ages,” I tell my good friend’s wife. A large group of my college classmates and our kids were visiting a traveling farm last fall.

She sighed, “You probably will.”

This was the hardest thing for me to hear. My son was 8 months old at the time, and my daughter was 2 ¾. I was flying solo for that trip because my husband was away for business. I was a mess. Overwhelmed and exhausted, barely speaking coherent sentences. Trying to manage a willful toddler and a cranky baby.

Out with my classmates, I could barely even remember us all doing our MBAs. Only 6 years had passed but it felt like an eternity. Motherhood had changed everything.

As my son now approaches 2, and my daughter 4, things are so much better. She has improved both socially and emotionally, and she is much more willing to follow instructions and get along. My son is finally crying less, and trying to communicate his needs with words. We’ve settled into a workable routine.

But those words are still echoing through my mind. In 5 years or 10 years, am I still going to be plagued by the difficulty of these early years with my son? Am I going to feel like it was the worst time of my life? Am I going to carry the weight of this deep guilt for falling apart at such a precious time?

I think I easily could. But I don’t want to. I don’t want the film of negativity to color what I remember about my babies’ youngest years. Yes, I will probably always know that it was hard for both my husband and I, an early babyhood gauntlet.

But there has been so much more that I have to work to bring to mind.

I am reminded when I go through pictures of all the fun times we’ve had together. Going to the zoo and feeding the giraffes. Going to the beach and building sand castles. My husband and I taking them to swim classes together.

Or painting with water colors outside when it was warm.

Or running around in the rain and jumping in puddles.

Or the times I bundled them up to go play outside in the snow, and they had so much fun that they barely felt the cold.

What about reading to them every single night? And how I slowed down to read at their pace, patiently answered questions, and engaged in endless side stories.

What about all of the conversations we’ve had? About silly things and serious things and everything in between. And poop, lots of poop.

What about the times I chased them around the kitchen island until we were all dizzy and they were squealing with delight? I can still hear their infectious laughter.

What about the late night and early morning snuggles? When I found their perfect tickle spots or blew raspberries on their sweet, soft bellies.

And the nursing? I am fond of the time I spent nursing my babies. Dutifully waking through the night to feed them, or before the dawn when they began to sleep longer.

So no, I will not call it the Dark Ages. That is not the right way to remember this season. I will not add stack upon stack of guilt to weigh down the beauty of my babies’ childhood. Yes, it was hard. Yes, I have cried out of frustration and exhaustion.

But I’ve been a mom, a good mom. With a big heart, and lots of love. For every correction, there has been double the amount of warmth and praise. For every difficult time, there were double the experiences of exploration and wonder.

I will remind myself of the goodness, the sweetness, and the simplest joys. The times where my true self shone through. I will let the sleepless nights and the tantrums slip away. I will engrave the good memories onto my heart to remember for always.

How will you look back on this period of motherhood? What will you choose?

The Insanity of Modern Motherhood

October 11, 2016 By Sara M. 12 Comments

Recently, I have this crazy urge to run away. Get out of my house, get out of my skin. I think I’ve been teetering on the brink of insanity for some time now and it’s all come to a head. I’m so overwhelmed. I’m so stressed. I get brief glimpses of energy and optimism that I am going to be able to find some solutions and get our family life in order. Then I collapse from the sheer exhaustion of trying to keep up with the day to day chaos. Of trying to keep it all together.

I feel as though my whole body is going to come apart, that my skin will no longer contain the explosion from within.

I fantasize about when life was simpler. I could hide away in a room somewhere, giving my heart and soul a break from it all. I could be rid of all responsibilities, worries, and stress from this modern, crazy life. I could be protected long enough to let all of my nerves return to a normal calm level.

I could breathe.

Being a parent to young children seems to have brought out the worst in me. I am exhausted from the lack of sleep and the constant need for me to be on duty. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I wasn’t built for this. That maybe I am just not equipped for so many people needing so much from me. All the time.

I can’t stand the juggling. My schedule feels like a patchwork quilt. I get help for a few hours during the day from a babysitter, and I can call on my mother in law occasionally. It never seems like enough. And if either aren’t available, I’m stuck juggling the kids while trying to work, clean, and manage the household. I am the central point for scheduling and meals and social plans much like other mothers. Plus, our lives have just become so complicated, unnecessarily so. Everything is put together so precariously and constrained that when one piece goes awry, then the whole system fails.

All day long I switch my hats. With my husband also working from home, I wear my wife hat a bit more than some. I wear my mom hat most of all, switching to worker and writer when I get a free moment. Not sure exactly what my own hat looks like. (But I bet it’d be long enough to envelope my whole body while I hide out for a few hours.)

Some days are great. When I’m well rested and the transitions go as planned, I have amazing days. I flow in and out of each responsibility with a sharp mind. Easily able to manage the transition between my roles, and successfully utilizing each segment of time allocated to my compartmentalized tasks.

Other days are hard. When I’m tired. Beat down. My mind driven into fragments by the sheer chaos of our lives. Too much to keep track of. Paperwork and piles of laundry. These are the days when everything seems broken. When I seem broken.

I am not sure of the solution. Today, in a not so strong state, sanity feels a bit unattainable. I do know that I can rely on my network to help. My babysitter and husband for breaks from the kids. My therapist to help me regulate my overwhelming thoughts and feelings. The OT for the kids. My mom who listens.

Time will be a blessing. At least that is what I am told. As hard as the kids are right now, even I can see that every day is an improvement over the last. They are learning to identify and communicate their special needs to us. And we are learning to how to parent them, and how to help them work through it when they get stuck.

Tomorrow will be better; I’ll get a good night sleep.

Wake up with clarity; get more done.

That, in and of itself, sets the tone for a better day.

It renews my strength, my commitment to stay here and stay intact.

I can build on each success and find the foothold for the next step.

Amazing Perspectives on Womanhood I Learned from My Husband

September 27, 2016 By Sara M. 5 Comments

Some of the most beautiful ideas about my womanhood came from an unexpected source: my husband.

Mr. Sanity didn’t have the best life teachers, but for some reason he came up with some incredible ways to look at life all on his own. He’s just “made of the right stuff.” And I’m the lucky girl he chose to share those perspectives with every day.

Now I’ve put my favorite ones together to share with you:

My perspective: Periods are GROSS

His perspective: Your body is doing what it is supposed to do. He will actually get into the whole process of how I’m shedding the lining that would have supported a new life but wasn’t needed this time around. He reminds me of the core purpose of the process, that it is a beautiful thing that only a woman’s body can do.

My perspective: PMS turns me into a crazy person

His perspective: He doesn’t particularly enjoy my increased emotionality and irrationality just before I get my period. However, he has given me the biggest pass of all. What he pointed out was that just because the emotions were heightened in my premenstrual state, doesn’t mean that the underlying issue that was bothering me wasn’t real. And hey, men have fluctuations in moods and emotions as well, the cycles are just shorter (daily).

My perspective: I have WAY too much hair on my body

His perspective: Some hair is sexy. Wait, what? He actually finds the super light peach fuzz on my cheeks/jawline/cleavage/butt to be incredibly sexy. I never would have considered this, and have spent many years like most women, fretting about and removing unwanted hair.

My perspective: My body is too squishy; my thighs are too big

His perspective: (caution: he’s biased) I am the most beautiful woman alive. He thinks my curves are my best feature and women with less meat on their bones look too thin to him. He also helps me put my own body image issues into perspective. I will often point out to him that I’m so much larger than so-and-so and he helps me see reality.

My perspective: I have to get made up to be beautiful

His perspective: I look sexy in anything, including sweatpants. (Although I have yet to test just how far down into disheveled I can go before it’s too far!) I am his wife and he sees my beauty regardless of what I wear. I tend to feel a bit frumpy because I so often don’t wear makeup and other women put a bit more effort into being put together.

He always reminds me that I don’t need makeup to be beautiful.

My perspective: Thongs are sexy (less is more)

His perspective: He actually prefers full coverage underwear. No, not granny panties, but just normal full bottomed undies. He actually finds them sexier, in addition to the fact that he thinks thongs look uncomfortable to wear all wedged up there.

My perspective: My body could use a few upgrades

His perspective: Women look best with their original equipment. He always points out how natural hair color is the best complement to natural skin color. He insists that breast size never mattered to him, and that most men he’s known feel the same way. (So much for that post breast feeding lift I’ve been considering.)

Sorry ladies, you can’t have him. But I hope his perspectives have given you a boost – because you are all wonderful, just the way you are.