One of the things I love the most about the Sanity Plan is getting the opportunity to see how other people put their own Sanity Plans in action. The following post is a guest post written by an American woman who is raising her children abroad. I got to know Emily through a writing group we belong to and found her story incredibly interesting. I hope you do, too!
A Sanity Plan: Three R’s that Keep My Life Abroad Balanced
As an American mom married to a Czech, keeping a healthy life balance while raising children abroad is a top priority. My family has lived in the Czech Republic for more than 13 years now. Many Czech friends, my own children, and my mother ask me why we don’t live in America, or when we’re planning to return to the US. I used to ask myself the same thing.
Now, I can’t imagine leaving.
Over the years, I’ve tried to understand where home is for my family. Like many expats, I’ve had moments where I’ve wanted to pack my bags and wave goodbye to the Czech Republic for good, and I’ve had moments in the US where I’ve longed for the day of my flight to arrive to take me back to Prague.
On good days, I am at home in my adopted country of the Czech Republic. Beer is cheaper than water, there are more castles per square meter than in any other European country, and Czechlish is my family’s language of choice. I thrive on the atmosphere of growth that comes from living in a country different from where I grew up, where even going to the store to buy meat can be an adventure.
Then, there are the bad days. When the supermarket clerk gives me a cold stare that brings me to tears, or the heating goes out, and I don’t know the right words to say to the serviceman in Czech. When my children are embarrassed that I can’t speak Czech like a native, or I yearn to chat with my mother but realize by the time she’s awake, my day will be halfway gone.
Despite believing that making a home in the Czech Republic was the right decision for my family, I do miss my roots (a lot).
To help me feel grounded in my life abroad, I have created a Sanity Plan that I like to call “My 3 R’s.” Based on rituals that I can do wherever, whenever I need to feel balanced, “My 3 R’s” are an essential part of keeping my own sanity. These rituals are what I give to myself to keep my passions alive, my sense of humor intact, and to remind myself of who I am beyond the labels (mother, wife, teacher, writer, fill in the blank).
My 3 R’s: w(R)iting, Reading, and Running
Writing (and friends who write)
Years ago, I met two Americans in Prague who liked to write as much as I did. One evening a week, we shared our stories over dinner. With encouragement from my friends, I began to write a weekly column called Half-n-Half for a local newspaper.
The column was a way for me to make sense of the cultural differences (and similarities) that I observed while living in the Czech Republic. Even when I had more important things to do (change diapers, help with homework, or teach English lessons), whenever I stopped writing, I grew grumpy and irritable. So, I picked up my pencil.
Writing was how I took a step back from my life. It was also a way for me to connect with other foreigners living in the Czech Republic and Czechs living abroad.
The other day, my preteen daughter asked me why I spent so much time writing my stories, if I didn’t get much money from them. While I fumbled to answer, getting emotional and half apologizing for my dedication to something that wasn’t putting money into our bank account or food on the table, my daughter answered her own question.
“I think I understand, Mommy,” she said. “It’s kind of like my dancing. I love dance, even if I’m not going to be a prima ballerina.”
Running
To balance my writing, I run. I am not a hard-core runner. I don’t have sleek abdominals or toned arms. I run to keep the witch inside me at bay. And, I run to let the witch out. There is an ongoing inner monologue when I run. Some days, I sort out a writing dilemma or a work problem, other times I rehash a conversation that didn’t go as planned. I think about my children and what is going on in their lives. I look at the trees or the creek that winds along my trail. Or, I stare 7-8 feet in front of me and will my legs to keep moving.
When I see other parents pushing strollers or walking with children on bikes in the woods, I often feel guilty. But, I don’t run home to coerce my children to join me. They have their own sports classes and activities. Running is my time.
On my birthday, the kids and I do a family run (at their request). When we finish, my daughter says, “I wish I had the time to run like you do.” I tell her that any time she wants to run, I would be happy to have her join me. And I mean it. I tell her that running makes me a better mom.
Reading
For my family of bookworms, bedtimes stories are the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae. Ever since they were babies, I have read aloud to my children each night. Reading is the one consistent way (in addition to speaking to them in English) that I balance their Czech school education and the Czech culture that surrounds us. It is also the one time a day when each child receives my full, focused attention.
As each child learned to read, our ritual was expanded. Now, I rotate through their rooms at bedtime, starting with the youngest. He reads a few pages in Czech, then I follow with a story in English. My older two children read on their own. On busy nights, my daughter listens to my youngest son read while I do dishes and pack school lunches. Then, I come to read to him.
Even (or rather especially) when the day has been crazy, for these few moments, I focus only on the time my child and I have carved out for one another. And the stories we share together.
Most days, I don’t have time to do as much writing, running, or reading as I wish. But, by following my passions a little every day, I hope my children see that their own dreams (no matter how wild or crazy they seem) are valid and real.
Do you have rituals that help you keep your life sane? I’d love to hear about them in the comments.
Emily Gates Prucha teaches English and writes about raising multilingual children in the Czech Republic – the land of beer, castles, and Krtek (The Little Mole). Find her stories about Czech culture online at Half-n-Half for The Prague Daily Monitor and prague.tv. As far as Czech traditions go, she doesn’t like being whipped at Easter but having a carp swimming in her bathtub at Christmas suits her fine.
Do you have a Sanity Plan that you’d like to share? Please pitch your guest post to thesanityplan@gmail.com.
Am I?
It’s pretty typical that I compare my shortcomings to other mothers’ accomplishments. One day my husband was describing in full detail watching his grandmother make pies from scratch, painstakingly crafting and rolling out the pie crust by hand. I listened intently as he reminisced about the unbelievable buttery taste, superior to any store-bought creation that passes as dessert today. To which I remarked, “I don’t know how mothers used to have time to do that.” I have NEVER EVER made any pie crust by hand. It simply would take too much time (and require more patience and skill than I currently possess). But it’s not just the baking, it’s the stories of mothers who sewed clothes for their children, ironed their husband’s shirts, grew their own fruits and vegetables, made every meal from scratch, and on and on.
When I consider these and other jobs I maintain, it’s easier to see why I am ALWAYS feeling behind on my domestic tasks. I mean, there’s also the fact that I don’t particularly like cleaning and organizing. But when I add up all the hours spent on traditionally non-SAHM tasks, I can see where my husband is coming from.
I picked up Tiffany Dufu’s book “Drop the Ball” on a whim during my last trip to the library. With an endorsement on the front from Sheryl Sandberg and a foreword penned by Gloria Steinem, I figured this book was worth a read. And I am very glad I took the chance. This is the first book I’ve read in quite some time where I felt like I was learning something new on every page and it even inspired me to write pages of notes and reactions (like I was back in school all over again!).
“Drop the Ball” is filled with practical advice on how to go about obtaining better balance between career and home life. I love how Dufu addresses the problem here, instead of blaming society or men for this problem, she focuses on how women need to be assertive to push back against these gender norms.
I was devastated. I’ve known people who’ve had placenta previa and I knew that the most likely outcome was a caesarian section. I simply could not get my head around having two vaginal births, only for my final birth to be a c-section. I was frustrated to have the scarring, scar tissue, and delayed recovery time. I had always bounced back so quickly before, and this time I would have not one but two kids under 5 to care for when I got home. Yet, my doctor had made no mention of c-section even being a possibility – in fact, she simply said we were going to “watch and see.” Did this mean it might resolve itself? So, I did what most people would do… I took to the internet (right after I called my mother, of course).
Sometimes you don’t really know how much you miss something until it’s gone.
I had to start setting an alarm again when I got a job after I completed my Master’s program. As long as I went to bed at a decent hour, this didn’t pose that much of a struggle. But, I was fortunate to be able to carry on this habit when my company allowed me to work from home after two years of working in the office. Again, this contrast allowed me to see how much better I felt by eliminating the alarm clock. Under this setup, I did still need to set my alarm just in case I didn’t wake up on time to be online by 9am. But it was very rare that I would not be up before I heard it’s familiar ring.
I met the owner of our next success story online. I was inspired by her commitment towards developing the career she wanted, even if that meant trying out many things until she found what worked. Here is Carrie’s Sanity Plan:
I’ve wanted to work from home since the moment I became a mom four years ago. I remember sitting in our little apartment during maternity leave and deciding to check my work email. Our new baby was sleeping next to me as I logged in. I had just had her, but when I checked my email, I noticed one that said, “only 2 weeks until Carrie gets back!” I just sat there staring at my computer trying to process that. I had just had a baby! I quickly pulled up a calendar and realized I had indeed already been home with her for 10 weeks. Well, you know what happens next. I immediately burst into tears and decided to make a change.
My good friend’s sister died this week. She lost her battle with tongue cancer, claiming her life less than a year from her initial diagnosis.
I wondered what our life would be like if I lost my husband. Would I be strong enough to carry on? Could I raise our family on my own? “Of course, you would,” my husband assured me, “You’d have to.” I know I would, but it would be devastating.
My girlfriend and her toddler son stayed over at our house this past weekend. And her son was pretty cranky. He was obviously thrown off by being in a strange place. He cried and clung to her every time he saw her. It was difficult for him to sleep. He was into everything because we no longer have much babyproofing, especially for the stairs. We were so elated to be free of baby gates that we didn’t even have any to throw up quickly to block our staircases.
So, please don’t apologize when your kid acts up. When I see him mashing his little body against your legs and screaming at the top of his lungs for you to pick him up, I can breathe a sigh of relief. That my children aren’t the monsters that I am convinced they are.
Another day, another tantrum. Just finished publishing a piece on how I am trying not to remember this time as the “
In the midst of my misery, my husband calls. I don’t like venting to him about this because I don’t want to weigh him down – but as I talked, his words cut through my misery with complete clarity.