Life gets crazy sometimes. I often don’t even notice it sneaking up on me, until I begin to experience the tell tale signs:
My shoulders tighten. I catch myself not breathing. I feel panicked. My mind swirls with so many tasks that I can’t determine what to do first.
When I do realize it, I have to revert back to my Sanity Plan (which I most likely ignored to get so overwhelmed in the first place).
What am I spending my time on?
Does it accomplish my primary objectives?
If not, those things have got to go.
But what about the circumstances when I can’t chop anything off my list? Occasionally this happens, and recently it’s been happening a lot.
What can I do to survive when things are so busy that I barely feel functional at all?
That’s where ‘Survival Mode’ comes in.
This is a life saving function that everyone must establish to get you through the toughest times. Sometimes these periods of time can be planned for, as in both of my most recent cases. The delivery of a new baby allows for major time to prep and plan. A scheduled surgery? It depends on how long you know in advance, but mostly you should have a good amount of time to get into gear.
Of course, there’s the unplanned stuff. Accidents and injuries, job layoffs, etc. Which is why you need to think about a survival plan even when times are good.
I think of ‘Survival Mode’ as your lowest default setting. It can be similar to the low power mode that is utilized on your computer or smart phone. This setting reduces the power draw of all activities in order to conserve precious battery life.
Ask yourself:
What is the bare minimum that I can do but still keep my life going?
So, what does my survival mode look like?
I am a mother of 4 and a freelance writer, and both of those jobs come with their fair share of obligations.
What can I cut?
Because my family does not rely on my income, as painful as it is, I can finish up my current jobs and stop requesting new work. It takes more effort to reboot my jobs again after a break, but sometimes it’s unavoidable.
When it comes to mom and homelife, this gets a bit trickier. Little people have certain needs no matter what mom is going through. I use the following shortcuts to free up some time:
- Do prep work: laundry, pay bills in advance, cleaning, fully stocked fridge, frozen meals, etc.
- Ask for help from family
- Assign more tasks to household members
- Hire a sitter to add another set of hands
- Make less elaborate meals or order takeout
- Cut unnecessary tasks: No dusting or mopping, spot clean as necessary and plan to deep clean when things calm down
- Say no to social events/obligations
‘Survival Mode’ is the only way I was able to get through my recent hernia repair surgery. As I expected from my research, my recovery was way more difficult than recovery from childbirth. To top it all off, I had a 7 week old newborn and it was scheduled for over the Christmas holidays (a story for another time). I was unable to do much of anything for the first 4 days, and then unable to lift more than 15 pounds for the remainder of the first two weeks. After that I was able to resume normal activities with the lifting weight still capped at 25 pounds until 6 weeks.
How did we handle it?
My husband and I went over in advance all of the details of what I would and would not be able to do. The upside to doing it over the holiday break, was there were more hands around to help and less chauffeuring that I needed to do. We kept our holiday plans to a minimum and RSVPed tentatively to all of the ones that we could not decline. I worked to get as much as I could done ahead of time (Christmas prep and kid prep mostly), and whatever I couldn’t get to was managed by other people. (Hello huge lesson in letting go!)
Childbirth and surgery are pretty major. But a ‘Survival Mode’ can be useful even more much smaller time periods or events. Is Christmas a really hectic season for you? What about when you get a cold that knocks you on your behind? Or, is there a particular time at work that requires strenuous hours and burns up all of your energy?
Having an established ‘survival mode’ can ease these transitions by allowing you to fall into a comfortable routine of reduced work load. This week a nasty cold has laid me out during the middle of trade show season and my husband being away. Having some of these mechanisms in place really prepared me for managing the kids on my own with a 101.7 fever.
The best part of ‘Survival Mode?’
Getting back to normal.
Do you have a framework in place for what you can do when things get difficult? I’d love to hear how other families manage these types of scenarios.
Am I?
It’s pretty typical that I compare my shortcomings to other mothers’ accomplishments. One day my husband was describing in full detail watching his grandmother make pies from scratch, painstakingly crafting and rolling out the pie crust by hand. I listened intently as he reminisced about the unbelievable buttery taste, superior to any store-bought creation that passes as dessert today. To which I remarked, “I don’t know how mothers used to have time to do that.” I have NEVER EVER made any pie crust by hand. It simply would take too much time (and require more patience and skill than I currently possess). But it’s not just the baking, it’s the stories of mothers who sewed clothes for their children, ironed their husband’s shirts, grew their own fruits and vegetables, made every meal from scratch, and on and on.
When I consider these and other jobs I maintain, it’s easier to see why I am ALWAYS feeling behind on my domestic tasks. I mean, there’s also the fact that I don’t particularly like cleaning and organizing. But when I add up all the hours spent on traditionally non-SAHM tasks, I can see where my husband is coming from.
I picked up Tiffany Dufu’s book “Drop the Ball” on a whim during my last trip to the library. With an endorsement on the front from Sheryl Sandberg and a foreword penned by Gloria Steinem, I figured this book was worth a read. And I am very glad I took the chance. This is the first book I’ve read in quite some time where I felt like I was learning something new on every page and it even inspired me to write pages of notes and reactions (like I was back in school all over again!).
“Drop the Ball” is filled with practical advice on how to go about obtaining better balance between career and home life. I love how Dufu addresses the problem here, instead of blaming society or men for this problem, she focuses on how women need to be assertive to push back against these gender norms.
This question.
The truth is: I like pieces of everything. I can get excited about so many different topics and so many different fields. And that is what I think is the more likely culprit in my lack of answer to this question than the vague direction I received as a youth. Too many passions leave me floundering between them all.
Life can really throw you off track sometimes. When I started this blog last year, I was making plans and taking steps to explore a potential career in writing. I thought our family life had stabilized and I could begin to work on myself again.
To recap my priorities: running my household and caring for the kids, followed by my investments, followed by my writing. And honestly, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I don’t have time for much else. That doesn’t mean I won’t be making plans to see my friends or exercise or just relaxing. I just needed to get my head clear on how much time I really have during the day and what is the most important to me. I’ve spent many years since becoming a mother feeling stretched too thin across too many areas, feeling so divided that I wasn’t performing my best at any of them.
Dear Corporate America,
Requiring Too Many Hours for Salaried Workers
In the beginning of 2016, though, I felt the need to go back to work. But how could I manage it? I didn’t think I could take on a full-time job because the kids still needed a lot of my attention. Even if we got help during the day, the balance of the childcare would fall on me and I didn’t see how I could handle everything. I was already exhausted. So, that left me with the idea of finding non-traditional work.
It was so much fun working for a startup. I was fired up by the potential for the technology to really take off. I got to work on so many different projects from creating marketing materials to company social media. I got involved in sales, including pitching the technology to some of the companies I’d worked with in my previous industry. I learned a ton about the digital advertising industry, even researching and reading on my own time.
And there it is. I tried something new. I gave it quite a bit of effort and it didn’t work out. I actually feel pretty good about it. I learned a ton. And it gave me some great experience. And even though it was without pay, it is still a job that I can lean on to lessen the impact of my motherhood gap should I choose to try to get back into the traditional workforce. It also gave me insights into the workings of a startup that I would not have otherwise experienced. And the experience actually enforced for me even more that I do not want to work in the traditional capacity. I want to be an entrepreneur, choosing how I want to spend my time. I want the flexibility and freedom to be able to spend time with my family when I want or when they need me. That is my 
If you had told me even 5 years ago that I would become a snowbird in my 30’s, I would have laughed. I have never particularly been fond of Florida because of the intense summer heat. And yet, here I am in Florida for our 3rd extended winter trip with my entire family of 5.
I have to admit I was pretty reluctant at first. I was worried about being able to maintain my job remotely (even more remotely, no longer within driving distance of my office) while juggling the children. It was a little harder, but doable because my husband jumped in to help me balance. My husband’s consultancy, while Northeast based, was surprisingly portable. He could easily return home for business meetings or tradeshows, but every other aspect of his business could be handled via phone, email, or fax (forwarded to email).
The benefits for our family are immeasurable. The sunshine lifted all of our spirits incredibly (even mine, and I hadn’t considered myself affected by the bleak winters). The warm weather helped us get more active, as opposed to being holed up inside due to the cold. Our bodies reset to a more summer styled appetite, allowing us to eat lighter and healthier. More typically seasonal foods were available like avocados and oranges, and being close to the water increased the availability of fish to eat.
I met the owner of our next success story online. I was inspired by her commitment towards developing the career she wanted, even if that meant trying out many things until she found what worked. Here is Carrie’s Sanity Plan:
I’ve wanted to work from home since the moment I became a mom four years ago. I remember sitting in our little apartment during maternity leave and deciding to check my work email. Our new baby was sleeping next to me as I logged in. I had just had her, but when I checked my email, I noticed one that said, “only 2 weeks until Carrie gets back!” I just sat there staring at my computer trying to process that. I had just had a baby! I quickly pulled up a calendar and realized I had indeed already been home with her for 10 weeks. Well, you know what happens next. I immediately burst into tears and decided to make a change.
Time blocking – I now have a weekly schedule with chunks of time for all of my projects. This has saved me so much time. Each time I have work time (during kindergarten and nap time), I know exactly what I need to do, so I don’t waste time feeling overwhelmed. On Mondays I edit and write outlines. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays are for billable client work. On Wednesdays, I work on my blog and shoot a Facebook live video.
My days are ruled by a terrible master. Slave driving and tireless, it never ends and never lessens.
The children ask if can I play with them, and more and more I respond with “I have to do this. I have to do that.” So rarely anymore do I feel free enough to prompt play, or join in with them while they play on their own. How must they feel watching their mom consumed by a whirlwind of never-ending tasks?