“I just don’t want to look back on this time as the Dark Ages,” I tell my good friend’s wife. A large group of my college classmates and our kids were visiting a traveling farm last fall.
She sighed, “You probably will.”
This was the hardest thing for me to hear. My son was 8 months old at the time, and my daughter was 2 ¾. I was flying solo for that trip because my husband was away for business. I was a mess. Overwhelmed and exhausted, barely speaking coherent sentences. Trying to manage a willful toddler and a cranky baby.
Out with my classmates, I could barely even remember us all doing our MBAs. Only 6 years had passed but it felt like an eternity. Motherhood had changed everything.
As my son now approaches 2, and my daughter 4, things are so much better. She has improved both socially and emotionally, and she is much more willing to follow instructions and get along. My son is finally crying less, and trying to communicate his needs with words. We’ve settled into a workable routine.
But those words are still echoing through my mind. In 5 years or 10 years, am I still going to be plagued by the difficulty of these early years with my son? Am I going to feel like it was the worst time of my life? Am I going to carry the weight of this deep guilt for falling apart at such a precious time?
I think I easily could. But I don’t want to. I don’t want the film of negativity to color what I remember about my babies’ youngest years. Yes, I will probably always know that it was hard for both my husband and I, an early babyhood gauntlet.
But there has been so much more that I have to work to bring to mind.
I am reminded when I go through pictures of all the fun times we’ve had together. Going to the zoo and feeding the giraffes. Going to the beach and building sand castles. My husband and I taking them to swim classes together.
Or painting with water colors outside when it was warm.
Or running around in the rain and jumping in puddles.
Or the times I bundled them up to go play outside in the snow, and they had so much fun that they barely felt the cold.
What about reading to them every single night? And how I slowed down to read at their pace, patiently answered questions, and engaged in endless side stories.
What about all of the conversations we’ve had? About silly things and serious things and everything in between. And poop, lots of poop.
What about the times I chased them around the kitchen island until we were all dizzy and they were squealing with delight? I can still hear their infectious laughter.
What about the late night and early morning snuggles? When I found their perfect tickle spots or blew raspberries on their sweet, soft bellies.
And the nursing? I am fond of the time I spent nursing my babies. Dutifully waking through the night to feed them, or before the dawn when they began to sleep longer.
So no, I will not call it the Dark Ages. That is not the right way to remember this season. I will not add stack upon stack of guilt to weigh down the beauty of my babies’ childhood. Yes, it was hard. Yes, I have cried out of frustration and exhaustion.
But I’ve been a mom, a good mom. With a big heart, and lots of love. For every correction, there has been double the amount of warmth and praise. For every difficult time, there were double the experiences of exploration and wonder.
I will remind myself of the goodness, the sweetness, and the simplest joys. The times where my true self shone through. I will let the sleepless nights and the tantrums slip away. I will engrave the good memories onto my heart to remember for always.
How will you look back on this period of motherhood? What will you choose?
I wouldn’t lie, it has been tough taking care of a toddler and a baby even with all the help that I am getting but it has been very fulfilling on so many levels and I’ve never been happier in my whole life. I honestly think I will always remember the fun times that we’ve had together no matter how they drive me crazy most days.
One Awesome Momma
I completely agree! Definitely the hardest job I’ve ever done, but also the most meaningful.
What a beautiful post. I had my boys two years apart and definitely cried a lot and wondered “When is this going to get easier?” But what a good outlook to remember the sweet/great memories and not remember it as the dark ages. <3
Thanks so much, each day gets easier now so I’m getting more perspective 🙂
I think the rough parts fade in memory and the beautiful parts grow stronger. Be gentle with yoruself. Try to live as fully as you can in each moment. That way, you will know that while you were there, your were THERE.
Now, that is good news! I was worried because my friends who told me this have older children than mine, and they still feel this way.
I am just hoping to remember period. My LO is 11 months old, and I literally feel like I remember nothing. Yikes!
That’s so true, I forgot about that angle as well. Take lots of pictures and notes is my advice, even a quickie on your phone is fine.
The difficult parts definitely fade in your memory and the wonderful things remain.
So true. When I’m at my most tired and cleaning a mess she made or trying to stop a tantrum, and she stops to hug me, it makes it all worth it. I will remember this time as exhausting but beautiful for sure.
I think that is the truth that we learn as moms – this season is both wonderful and hard, joyful and overwhelming. I definitely want to remember it with balance (as opposed to all joy or all exhaustion).
Thank you for your honesty in your post. I think it’s so important to acknowledge how challenging raising kids can be, but that also helps us enjoy or hopefully find laughter in the absurd and adorable that comes along with it!
Thanks for reading, I am glad you enjoyed it.
What a great post! I try to soak in my 3 little boys being little as much as possible.
Now that things have gotten a little easier, I am definitely enjoying it more 🙂
This is a great article. I have a 17 month old and due for our son in Feb. Being pregnant with a young toddler is hard enough. I can’t even imagine what’s to come… both the blessings and the not so good times. We do the best we can.
All I can say is take lots of breaks wherever you can, even if you don’t think you need it. Having two children 2 years apart was really hard for me, especially without a stronger family support system.
This is such a great perspective. I too want to remember everything and am choosing to have a positive/blessed perspective – even in the really hard moments.
Well, maybe not in the hard moments, but definitely in retrospect 🙂
This is a fantastic post. I love the way you framed this: will we remember the sleep regressions or the infinite moments of joy. Always choose joy.
Yes, this is exactly what I wish for myself.
I will remember it as an amazing time and will hopefully not remember all the painful parts 🙂
Luckily, I think this will be partially aided by how we are designed 🙂
Motherhood is tough and some days/weeks/months/years are so so hard. But in between the hard times there are always sweet things to remember and I think as the years go, those are the things that will stand out in our minds. It’s like childbirth-you remember it being hard but it is still the best day of your life! Very thoughtful post!
I agree. And it helps to get through some phases that can be more difficult than others.
I loved this post, such a good reminder that you can choose how to remember things, that you can choose to be happy and see the good. Thank you.
Yes, it really is a choice. Thanks for reading!