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The Best Birthday Present

April 4, 2017 By Sara M. 11 Comments

10 minutes before I needed to leave for a doctor’s appointment, the tantrum began. It escalated by the minute, exacerbated by the fact that I was preparing to leave. My 4-year-old daughter chased me around the house, voice shrill with anger and desperation, her babysitter standing helplessly behind her. Not that I blamed the sitter, it’s taken us years to figure out how to calm her down. But I just didn’t have enough time.

little girl tantrumAs much as it tore at my heartstrings to leave before she was resolved, I felt comfortable that my husband could handle her. I steeled myself against her screaming “You aren’t allowed to leave!” and “You’re not listening to me!”

I walked out the door, got in the car, and barely made it to my appointment.

Of course, I was worried most of the time I was gone but I tried to put it out of my mind.

As it turns out, I had no reason to be worried at all. When I arrived home, the kids were already at the playground with the sitter. My husband gave me the full run down.

He had sat with her and patiently worked through each issue that she was upset about. He rubbed her back while she vented that I wasn’t listening to her. He explained that if I was late for my appointment, the doctor wouldn’t be able to see me. She told him that I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere by myself – EVER. He asked her why. She told him that she didn’t want to share me with anyone, especially her brother. (This actually gave us huge insight into how she has been feeling and acting towards her brother recently.) He told her that it was okay to feel that way and that we all share each other as part of being a family. He reminded her about how he goes away for business trips and we miss him but he comes back. He explained that I would be gone for such a short time, just the length of two Sponge Bob episodes. She finally calmed down and got dressed to go to the playground.

Hearing all of this overwhelmed me with gratitude. It is so easy to get frustrated with our partners when we are in the trenches, but when my husband takes the opportunity to patiently work our little girl through her real feelings, all my frustrations feel so insignificant. I am so appreciative for the man that he is. Strong and kind, emotionally intelligent and loving.

I am grateful that he took the time when he was supposed to be working to talk about the hard stuff with her. To really find out what was brewing beneath the surface that caused her to explode. Children cannot do this for themselves. They need us as their parents and caregivers to help them identify the thoughts and feelings that are causing them discomfort.

When he was done filling me in, I brought up plans for my birthday dinner later than evening and a wash of embarrassment covered his face. He came over to me, took me in his arms and wished me a happy birthday. He’d wanted to catch me the night before, but we had gone to bed before midnight. And our crazy morning had thrown everything off.

I squeezed him gently, put my head on his shoulder, and whispered as tears filled my eyes, “What you did for our daughter means more to me than my birthday.”

Because it’s true. Just knowing that I could leave the house in the middle of a tantrum is the best gift in the world. Knowing that my husband could expertly handle our daughter at her roughest is a mother’s dream come true.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: birthday, dad, daughter, emotions, father, tantrums

Please Don’t Apologize For Your Kids Acting Up

November 19, 2016 By Sara M. 15 Comments

Toddler CryingMy girlfriend and her toddler son stayed over at our house this past weekend. And her son was pretty cranky. He was obviously thrown off by being in a strange place. He cried and clung to her every time he saw her. It was difficult for him to sleep. He was into everything because we no longer have much babyproofing, especially for the stairs. We were so elated to be free of baby gates that we didn’t even have any to throw up quickly to block our staircases.

As the weekend went on, all of these things were really getting to her, and she kept apologizing for his “behavior.” She kept saying that he usually isn’t like this. And my husband and I kept trying to convince her that it was okay, totally fine with us. “Hey, we have kids, we understand.” But you could just tell that she was really struggling with being able to let it go.

Here’s the thing that I couldn’t quite make her understand:

I LOVE it when other people’s kids act up.

I’m serious. Whining, crying, screaming, clinging, willful, fussy, and sleepless (well, maybe I am not *totally* okay with waking us up in the middle of the night, we do have our limits).

Why do I LOVE it, you ask?

Because 9 times out of 10, it’s me feeling the way she did. Embarrassed that my kids aren’t acting right. Too loud. Too rowdy. Too rude. Feeling like I have to apologize for them and for my apparent lack of control.

I am so relieved to see that my kids are not the only ones that throw epic tantrums when they don’t get their way.

It brings it front and center that other people’s kids aren’t perfect either. Which is something I often need reminding of, because most of the time I am comparing my poorly behaved children to everyone else’s perfect little spawn.

I need to be reminded that everything I see on Facebook and at the occasional well timed get-togethers aren’t the every day.

I can guarantee you that I am not annoyed that you have to keep getting up and interrupting our conversation to go pull your son down from halfway up the stairs. I LOVE to see willful behavior in action, because I am mostly convinced that both of my children have oppositional defiance disorder.

I am not even remotely upset to hear him crying half of the day. My son screamed almost every day for the first year. Before this weekend, I wasn’t even sure that your son ever cried. Now I know.

You were so frustrated that he didn’t go down for his nap like at home. You had to trek upstairs every few minutes to remind him it was bedtime and to LAY DOWN. I am now sufficiently over how jealous I was when we took our infant sons out for lunch. Remember how your son slept peacefully in his carrier for 2 hours with his little sound machine while mine threw food all over the floor and refused to sit in his high chair? Envy doesn’t even begin to describe how I was feeling that day.

680x450-toddlercryingSo, please don’t apologize when your kid acts up. When I see him mashing his little body against your legs and screaming at the top of his lungs for you to pick him up, I can breathe a sigh of relief. That my children aren’t the monsters that I am convinced they are.

Really, I am not just placating you or trying to relieve your mom guilt about your child annoying us. I am so glad to see that your kid is not the flawless little angel that I had presumed him to be.

Cry on, little man, it takes the load off my heart.

And next time I am in the middle of the same situation, maybe I’ll feel a little less embarrassed when my kids start their antics. Because I’ll know that sometimes your kids are annoying, too.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: kids, motherhood, parenting, tantrums, toddlers

The Tantrum “Hangover”

November 2, 2016 By Sara M. 9 Comments

450x680-littlegirlAnother day, another tantrum. Just finished publishing a piece on how I am trying not to remember this time as the “dark ages” and then wham, I wake up to this:

My daughter melted down this morning. None of the usual tricks worked. She just got stuck in this very cyclical pattern of repeating herself. “No, I am not going to do that!” “No, I’m not going to my room.” “No, I am not going to calm myself down.” And so on.

And once the train was going, it was gone. The issue? She wanted to bring 3 toys with her to preschool today, which is not allowed. They have already made an exception for her to bring 1 small toy for security, but 3 is just over the top. Imagine the chaos of trying to participate in activities with 3 toys, or one of them getting lost, or even another child trying to play with one of her beloved attachments. CHAOS is only the beginning.

I offered her other solutions: she could either put 2 of her babies in a special place at home where I would keep them safe, or she could put them in her backpack and take them to school but not play with them while she is there. Nothing worked. She told me I didn’t have good solutions.

I tried to hold her calmly in a firm, comforting bear hug. Didn’t work.

I felt lost. After a half hour of listening to her rant on and on, I lost my patience. I told her she needed to make a decision or I would. And that I didn’t want to hear any more about it.

To my surprise, she calmed down and made her decision.

With my daughter, I am always threading that needle of working her through her emotions or trying to talk her down from the ledge. But sometimes I just can’t get through to her. She needs to know what the limits are. And how much everyone else is going to take.

In no time, she was packed up and shipped off to school. Even cheerful and lovey as we parted ways.

And me? I’m a wreck. I feel as though I have an emotional hangover. My heart hurts; I feel totally bummed. I can’t stand starting the day this way. Listening to her tantrum, losing my own patience, and raising my voice. It feels like we’ve ruined the record we were setting of tantrum free days.

680x450-thinking2In the midst of my misery, my husband calls. I don’t like venting to him about this because I don’t want to weigh him down – but as I talked, his words cut through my misery with complete clarity.

“She’s already well over it, why aren’t you?”

It reads snarky, but it wasn’t at all. He remembered being a kid, having drag out blow out tantrums, and being over it just 15 minutes later.

I was shocked. I never had that experience.

But here I am, 5 hours later, still reeling from the effects of the argument, while it was likely no longer even a thought in her mind.

So, for my future sanity, I am going to take a lesson from the kids’ play book:

When it’s over, I’m going to let it go.

Filed Under: Parenting, Wellbeing Tagged With: kids, motherhood, parenting, tantrums, toddlers

Your Kids Are Doing the Best They Can

September 12, 2016 By Sara M. 10 Comments

680x450-toddlercrying

Hanging out with little kids all day, it is easy to get frustrated with challenging or difficult behavior. I speak from experience, having been a teen when my siblings were young and now having an almost 2 and 4-year-old of my own.

This past year has taken my stress level to epic proportions as both of them are working to assert their will. The Little Man, at 20 months, is struggling with continuing to scream for things instead of speaking the words he can. He is demonstrating even more forcefully that he NEVER EVER wants to have his diaper or his clothes changed. And coming in from outside results in window shattering screams.

Our daughter, at almost 4, is also tough. Very sharp and very challenging. Best way to describe her is that her emotional capabilities have not caught up to her mental capabilities. She wants to do what she wants to do now, and there will be a tantrum if things don’t go her way.

One way of thinking that has proved very helpful for me is remembering that your child is doing the best that they can. This is not a natural thought for me. Most of the time, it feels like they are acting out on purpose, testing me, challenging, and simply trying to get their way.

That’s the key – they are doing all of those things.

And THAT is the best that they can do.

THAT is what they are supposed to be doing.

Meltdowns & Tantrums

Consider an example. My daughter at almost 4, had a meltdown the other day because I wouldn’t let her color before getting dressed for school. I had already conceded to allowing her a glass of milk before getting dressed, and she had agreed to do it afterwards. When she asked to color, I told her “no” and reminded her that she had agreed to get dressed. Immediately, I could see her dig in. Tears of anger came to her eyes and she was escalating. I tried again to calmly remind her but I could not stop the train. She started screaming and spewing “nasties” and I sent her to her room to work it out. As awful as it is, this is where she is at. This is her skill level at this time. She has not developed the emotional control needed to remain calm when she doesn’t get what she wants or the patience and logic to see that she will get to color after she does her obligations.

Even when a child behaves “badly,” they are doing the best that they can. That doesn’t make it right. That doesn’t mean that we must allow certain behaviors to continue. What it means is that there are certain limitations still in play developmentally, and additional time and coaching are needed to correct them.

I’m telling you this because I have to remind myself of this ALL THE TIME. Without this perspective, I react with anger and frustration instead of calm understanding of their limitations. This can create a bad cycle because then the kids are reacting to my anger instead of focusing on the lesson that they must learn.

Beyond Childhood

This perspective can be applied to adults as well. The way people choose to behave (good and bad) is a result of their personality, upbringing, and life experiences. I encounter grownups all the time whose actions make me stop and scratch my head. I have to remember that I am viewing their behaviors through my own framework of how adults should act, as opposed to looking at it from their point of view.

You might see people making poor decisions on how they spend their money or prioritize their time. You might see people who act aggressively on the road or act rudely to wait staff in a restaurant over something minor. You might encounter a boss who takes credit for your work or a coworker who throws you under a bus in order to get ahead. These examples demonstrate some true limitations in character, self-control, self-awareness, and work ethic. It’s where they are at. Not to be tolerated when it impacts you, of course, but it helps to remember that people are the product of their lives. And that is their problem, not yours.

Have you tried this or a similar mantra for being patient with your children? Do you know any adults who still act like toddlers sometimes?

Filed Under: Parenting, Self Improvement Tagged With: kids, mindset, tantrums, toddlers

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Welcome to THE SANITY PLAN! Here you will find my attempts to restore order in my crazy life post kids. I'm just getting started & I have a lot to say. So far I've written a lot about my perspectives on parenting (sorry, it's where I am at), but I'd love it if you followed my journey to improve my habits, get more organized, redefine my career, and generally live a good life. Or, you can follow just for the entertainment, I promise there will be lots of that. Do you want to learn more about building A Sanity Plan?

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