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When to Pause Before Jumping In to Rescue Your Kid

November 24, 2016 By Sara M. 16 Comments

SchoolIt is so easy to project your own feelings onto your children without even realizing it. I was directly in the middle of putting my feelings onto my daughter before I caught myself and allowed the following scene to unfold.

The Scenario

I pulled my 3 ½ year old daughter out of her preschool for various reasons over the summer, and placed her in a series of camps. Only a few weeks into the camps, she expressed a serious desire to return to her other school and that she missed it there. I was devastated. The wheels had already been set in motion and the camps paid for (note: money is a HUGE trigger for me).

So, I explained that she would return in August and that seemed to satisfy her. In the last month she attended, she had developed the most beautiful bond with her teachers at the preschool. And honestly, in retrospect, if I had known that she would have been so connected to them, I would have left her there all summer. Having Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), it is very difficult for her to connect with other people so I am willing to reinforce any connections she forges.

Upon checking back in with her preschool the day before she was expected to return, I was told that she would not be returning to her same class with her same beloved teachers. And my heart broke for her. I was torn and very concerned about the transition. The director kept repeating that ALL her “friends” would be transitioning with her so it “should” be no problem. But our little girl wasn’t connected to the other kids, in fact she barely related with them at all.

On the first day back, my stomach was in knots. When we walked in, the director shuffled us straight to the new classroom. I had a flip second to decide if I was going to make a stink, and insist that she return to her old classroom until she felt comfortable being back before moving to the next classroom. I decided to let it play out, that maybe my feelings were my feelings and not hers at all.

680x450-backpackThe Result

She never even asked about her old teachers.

She never expressed missing them.

Even when one of them was around she made no overtures to return to her old teacher’s classroom. In fact, she did not even demonstrate any of her previous attachment that I was fighting so fiercely to protect.

She has adapted nicely to her new room, comfortable with the similar routines despite new teachers. She was overwhelmed at first, but her love of the school has prevailed.

What I’ve Learned

This was a huge revelation for me. I am a very sensitive person, and I am overly cautious with potential scenarios that might set Little Girl off. SPD causes her to have very intense and sometimes irrational emotional responses. I suppose I’ve become extra aware to try and protect her from these situations as much as possible. But I have to differentiate what are my feelings and my protectiveness and allow her to work through her emotional reactions. Because that’s life, and I won’t always be around to protect her.

And once in a while, I might even be wrong.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: kids, parenting, school, sensory, spd

A Different Back to School Story

September 3, 2016 By Sara M. 2 Comments

I took my daughter, who is almost 4, back to daycare today after being off for the summer. I stayed to observe while she played on the playground with her class and got accustomed to the kids and the teachers. Then I coaxed her to join the line the rest of her class had made. They all walked obediently into the room, and it was then that I noticed her face.

680x450-LonelyGirlSchoolShe looked absent and worried, standing slightly offset to the line. It was so easy to see that she was so overwhelmed by the commotion. She was so deeply removed that it took me calling her name 3 times to say goodbye before she noticed. It hurt me so much to watch her suffer.

I drove home with a heavy heart. I brooded about it all day and overnight, and decided that if she hated school we would pull her out yet again. This decision was solidified by her difficult behavior at home that evening and the next morning. She was overly emotional and defiant. In the morning, she dug her heels in about getting dressed causing the whole morning routine to take more than two hours. I thought for sure we’d have a fight about going to school.

But there was no fight.

When we arrived at school, I was shocked to hear her say:

“Is this my school? I love this school!”

And she threw off her seat belt to get out.

She loves her school?! Her overwhelming, 20 kids to a class, 2 new teachers, school filled with colors and chaos and noise.

And then something clicked for me. A wise person recently told me that we can love something and still be overwhelmed by it at the same time. I experience this all the time in my own life. I love going to the city for the day. I feel stimulated by the sights and sounds and people. I jump at the opportunity to go. But when the stimulation wears off, I need time to wind down. I need to rest. I need to let my senses return to normal in my own private, quiet, and comfortable place.

She is no different. And it will be my job as her parent to encourage her to explore those opportunities that stimulate her, while teaching her how to regulate her emotions when they are over. I will teach her how to take a quiet moment for herself, sit outside on the porch, read a story on the couch, or snuggle in my lap.

I will teach her to enjoy the best of both worlds.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: preschool, sensory, spd, toddlers

Thank You for Loving My Kids

August 22, 2016 By Sara M. Leave a Comment

680x450-mom-son-park

As I sit here on your very last day with us, I am trying to find the words to describe this sinking feeling in my gut. I am so sad to have you go, and I’ve been mourning this day almost since you got here.

It would be easy to list the “things” you have done for us every day. Playing with the kids, carting them to and fro, feeding them and picking up after them. Believe me, all of those things alone would be reason to miss you.

But what I will miss the most is how you loved them. It was clear to me the first time I saw you play with my son’s hair absentmindedly. I treasure your endless supply of patience, which must truly be a gift to my children when I have clearly run low on it these days. You love them wholeheartedly, despite their challenges and demands and whether they are open to it or not.

By loving our children, you gave me such a gift. I was able to relax when you cared for them, spending time recharging my batteries and working on creative work. It made the transition so much easier for me, that the kids willingly waved goodbye to me in order to go and have fun with you. Your willingness to wait for my daughter to come to you on her own terms is the most special gift of all, and demonstrates a skill not found in most people your age.

I had no idea that our summer would go this way. Your limited experience with kids was no problem, you jumped right in and watched and listened and learned. And I have learned from you as well, that all of our hard work means something. That other people see us as doing a great job even though it’s hard to see for ourselves. That our kids are turning out just fine.

Thank you for spending the summer with us. Thank you for opening your heart and becoming a part of our family. Thank you for loving us.

You will be missed.

Filed Under: Parenting, Relationships Tagged With: childcare, kids, letter, love, sensory, spd

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Welcome to THE SANITY PLAN! Here you will find my attempts to restore order in my crazy life post kids. I'm just getting started & I have a lot to say. So far I've written a lot about my perspectives on parenting (sorry, it's where I am at), but I'd love it if you followed my journey to improve my habits, get more organized, redefine my career, and generally live a good life. Or, you can follow just for the entertainment, I promise there will be lots of that. Do you want to learn more about building A Sanity Plan?

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