This question.
It plays over and over again in my mind. Sometimes it plagues me. Sometimes it’s more of a nagging itch. Other times it arrives with a shrug, as in “I know you’re still there but there’s nothing I can do about you right now.”
I’ve often thought that my struggle with this question came from a lack of parent/teacher direction when I was a teenager, but now I am not sure that this is the case. The only “job” I ever really dreamed about as a child was writing, but my dad always told me that was impractical. So, I ended up just letting my career develop organically, jumping from job to job until I found something that worked in terms of enjoyment and reward.
But was it really what I wanted to do? Like, for the rest of my life?
No. And I knew that almost instantly when I was laid off in 2014. The wash of relief was very much like being glad that your boyfriend finally broke up with you because it’s been over and you haven’t had the nerve to cut the ties yourself.
So, what do I want to do when I grow up?
A question that motherhood has served to both highlight and confound. With three children at home, I have very little time to think about myself, let alone dream and scheme about my next career move. But every now and then, especially as the children grow and become more capable, this question forces its way back to the forefront of my mind. Begging to be answered. Determined to be heard. And at those moments when I finally stop and listen, I am more inspired to find that right answer because of how little time I can devote to such a task. With my heart bent towards my children, whatever takes my attention away must be really precious. Really worthwhile.
This final pregnancy has delayed my ambitions for the time being. I know fully well how much time and attention and energy a new baby will need, and I’ve slowed up my plans accordingly. Before we decided to have just one more, I was considering a freelance writing career, dabbling in copywriting and essay writing. There were books I wanted to write and small businesses I wanted to run.
Despite knowing that my time will be monopolized in the near future, ideas come to me in droves. My cousin just finished her doctorate, didn’t I want to go back to school for a doctorate? My passion for business and psychology could lead me to a study of industrial organization psychology. So, back to school. Would that be worth it? Another 2-3 years of devotion to set myself up for a potential consulting job?
What if I went back to a corporate career – didn’t I find enjoyment in the sense of accomplishment and structure of corporate life? I would certainly enjoy the regular paycheck and benefits. But seeing my husband run his own business and reap the rewards of entrepreneurship has given me a craving for the same. Don’t I want to be my own boss? Do I have enough discipline?
The truth is: I like pieces of everything. I can get excited about so many different topics and so many different fields. And that is what I think is the more likely culprit in my lack of answer to this question than the vague direction I received as a youth. Too many passions leave me floundering between them all.
I recently came across a great TED Talk that helped me feel better about this. Emilie Wapnik has spent many years coaching people who feel the way I do; people with varying interests, dreams, and desires. Her philosophy is that it’s totally normal to have “multiple potentials” and we just have to figure out the best way to navigate them. I’m picking up her new book and will review on the blog.
But… back to that dreaded question.
The answer is: I don’t know. But let me tell you what I do know.
I know that I have many, many passions. I know that I have time to sort it out, although I will probably have more time to do so after our newest addition arrives and becomes more independent. I know that it’s okay to try things and fail. I know that I have time in this lifetime to do several different things, perhaps at the same time, perhaps consecutively.
I am okay with not having an answer for today. For now, I’ll keep weeding through my passions, taking the time to explore what constitutes me. I’ll be making some lists and testing out some theories. Want to join along? I’d love some creative collaboration on this journey!
Life can really throw you off track sometimes. When I started this blog last year, I was making plans and taking steps to explore a potential career in writing. I thought our family life had stabilized and I could begin to work on myself again.
To recap my priorities: running my household and caring for the kids, followed by my investments, followed by my writing. And honestly, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I don’t have time for much else. That doesn’t mean I won’t be making plans to see my friends or exercise or just relaxing. I just needed to get my head clear on how much time I really have during the day and what is the most important to me. I’ve spent many years since becoming a mother feeling stretched too thin across too many areas, feeling so divided that I wasn’t performing my best at any of them.
Dear Corporate America,
Requiring Too Many Hours for Salaried Workers
But wait, is that really true? I haven’t gotten anything done today? Anything at all? I take a moment to review my day.
That struggle I feel between work that is valued or not. Tasks related to the kids or home are not “real work” to me. I don’t feel the same sense of accomplishment that I do when I get a project done at work, or have a successful sales meeting. And I often don’t even allow time for those things, demonstrating again where I put their importance in the scheme of my life. And for me, this negative thinking is not exclusively related to the kids. When I was in school and not working, I often felt lost and directionless. I had less of a sense of achievement without the firm concrete goals that working for someone else often provides.