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I’m Not JUST a Stay at Home Mom

September 11, 2017 By Sara M. 8 Comments

Am I?

It’s certainly how I’ve thought of myself for the past three years, ever since I was laid off from my Finance position at a Fortune 500 company. I haven’t done any “traditional” or “full-time” work since.

Sure, there’s the argument that staying home with the kids is work. Which it most definitely is. And I’m certainly busy. In fact, most days I wonder how I ever used to work at all. But even without a full-time job, my list of domestic failings is so long that I often wonder:

“What am I doing wrong?!”

It’s pretty typical that I compare my shortcomings to other mothers’ accomplishments. One day my husband was describing in full detail watching his grandmother make pies from scratch, painstakingly crafting and rolling out the pie crust by hand. I listened intently as he reminisced about the unbelievable buttery taste, superior to any store-bought creation that passes as dessert today. To which I remarked, “I don’t know how mothers used to have time to do that.” I have NEVER EVER made any pie crust by hand. It simply would take too much time (and require more patience and skill than I currently possess). But it’s not just the baking, it’s the stories of mothers who sewed clothes for their children, ironed their husband’s shirts, grew their own fruits and vegetables, made every meal from scratch, and on and on.

When I voiced my inadequacy, my husband put it simply, “You’re not really a stay at home mom.”

I’m not? It certainly feels that way most days. I handle the kids 100% during the day while my husband works and we share the responsibilities at night. I feed the family their meals, including my husband when he is working from home. I do never-ending laundry and try to keep the mess from overtaking all of our spaces. I handle groceries and supplies. I cart the kids to and fro. That’s all stay at home mom material.

It’s only reinforced by the fact that I can see that my Facebook posts are primarily about our children and family. My husband will be talking about business with me (one of my favorite topics, seriously!), and my mind will wander to wondering when I can take the kids apple picking. Where the children are at developmentally is one of my go-to conversations. And our friends and family are so used to the idea that I am home with the kids, that no one ever bothers to ask me what I might be doing beyond homemaking.

Yet my husband is right, I actually do so much more.

I am an investor.

I spend a minimum of 1-2 hours per weekday reading business news related to my investments. I am running several different investment strategies across 5 brokerage accounts, which takes time to manage. In addition, I have also been teaching my husband about the stock market and helping him develop his own strategies according to his risk tolerance. At this time, my taxable portfolio is my largest source of income, between $15-20k per year.

I help my husband with his business.

I don’t have as much time to devote as I used to, but I jump in to cover the office while he is away. Because I worked with him for many years and am familiar with the business, I often am his sounding board for problems he encounters.

I am a writer.

For one, I run this blog. Second, I am freelance writing for other sites. Third, I did copy-writing for a company that needed Amazon product pages rewritten. These jobs haven’t added up to a whole lot of income this year, but it was WORK.

When I consider these and other jobs I maintain, it’s easier to see why I am ALWAYS feeling behind on my domestic tasks. I mean, there’s also the fact that I don’t particularly like cleaning and organizing. But when I add up all the hours spent on traditionally non-SAHM tasks, I can see where my husband is coming from.

And I am not the only one. I know many, many other mothers who might appear from the outside to be Stay at Home Moms, but they are all doing more than just the mom thing. I know people who volunteer, do photography, teach or tutor, freelance in various capacities, or do creative work like making jewelry or art. In fact, I know more of these types of hybrid moms than the more traditional ones.

This post is not intended to devalue anyone who is solely a Stay at Home Mom. I sometimes wish that I could just manage the kids and the household and do nothing else. And then I come back to the reality that I am not particularly well suited for that kind of work and devotion. Keeping my mind occupied with the other things I do really helps to keep me sane.

What about you? Are you a SAHM? What else do you do that doesn’t typically fall under that description?

Filed Under: Parenting, Work/Life Tagged With: family, goals, kids, motherhood, reflections, SAHM, WAHM, work

What Do I Want to Do When I Grow Up?

June 30, 2017 By Sara M. 5 Comments

questionsThis question.

It plays over and over again in my mind. Sometimes it plagues me. Sometimes it’s more of a nagging itch. Other times it arrives with a shrug, as in “I know you’re still there but there’s nothing I can do about you right now.”

I’ve often thought that my struggle with this question came from a lack of parent/teacher direction when I was a teenager, but now I am not sure that this is the case. The only “job” I ever really dreamed about as a child was writing, but my dad always told me that was impractical. So, I ended up just letting my career develop organically, jumping from job to job until I found something that worked in terms of enjoyment and reward.

But was it really what I wanted to do? Like, for the rest of my life?

No. And I knew that almost instantly when I was laid off in 2014. The wash of relief was very much like being glad that your boyfriend finally broke up with you because it’s been over and you haven’t had the nerve to cut the ties yourself.

So, what do I want to do when I grow up?

A question that motherhood has served to both highlight and confound. With three children at home, I have very little time to think about myself, let alone dream and scheme about my next career move. But every now and then, especially as the children grow and become more capable, this question forces its way back to the forefront of my mind. Begging to be answered. Determined to be heard. And at those moments when I finally stop and listen, I am more inspired to find that right answer because of how little time I can devote to such a task. With my heart bent towards my children, whatever takes my attention away must be really precious. Really worthwhile.

This final pregnancy has delayed my ambitions for the time being. I know fully well how much time and attention and energy a new baby will need, and I’ve slowed up my plans accordingly. Before we decided to have just one more, I was considering a freelance writing career, dabbling in copywriting and essay writing. There were books I wanted to write and small businesses I wanted to run.

Despite knowing that my time will be monopolized in the near future, ideas come to me in droves. My cousin just finished her doctorate, didn’t I want to go back to school for a doctorate? My passion for business and psychology could lead me to a study of industrial organization psychology. So, back to school. Would that be worth it? Another 2-3 years of devotion to set myself up for a potential consulting job?

What if I went back to a corporate career – didn’t I find enjoyment in the sense of accomplishment and structure of corporate life? I would certainly enjoy the regular paycheck and benefits. But seeing my husband run his own business and reap the rewards of entrepreneurship has given me a craving for the same. Don’t I want to be my own boss? Do I have enough discipline?

careerThe truth is: I like pieces of everything. I can get excited about so many different topics and so many different fields. And that is what I think is the more likely culprit in my lack of answer to this question than the vague direction I received as a youth. Too many passions leave me floundering between them all.

I recently came across a great TED Talk that helped me feel better about this. Emilie Wapnik has spent many years coaching people who feel the way I do; people with varying interests, dreams, and desires. Her philosophy is that it’s totally normal to have “multiple potentials” and we just have to figure out the best way to navigate them. I’m picking up her new book and will review on the blog.

But… back to that dreaded question.

The answer is: I don’t know. But let me tell you what I do know.

I know that I have many, many passions. I know that I have time to sort it out, although I will probably have more time to do so after our newest addition arrives and becomes more independent. I know that it’s okay to try things and fail. I know that I have time in this lifetime to do several different things, perhaps at the same time, perhaps consecutively.

I am okay with not having an answer for today. For now, I’ll keep weeding through my passions, taking the time to explore what constitutes me. I’ll be making some lists and testing out some theories. Want to join along? I’d love some creative collaboration on this journey!

Filed Under: Work/Life Tagged With: career, direction, SAHM, WAHM, work

The Sanity Plan Update & Announcement!

May 3, 2017 By Sara M. 9 Comments

work from homeLife can really throw you off track sometimes. When I started this blog last year, I was making plans and taking steps to explore a potential career in writing. I thought our family life had stabilized and I could begin to work on myself again.

And then, well, life happened. Literally.

My husband and I decided that we really did want to have another baby. My third and my husband’s fourth. And presto, here we are, expecting a new little man due in October.

So, I’ve really needed to reevaluate based on this new direction. First and foremost, to at least partially explain my absence from writing, I have pretty brutal morning sickness that typically lasts until about 15 weeks. I am just beginning to feel well enough to take back on some of my creative work.

The other thing that I am still working through when it comes to writing is deciding which avenues I really want to pursue. Is it that children’s book idea I have? Or, the non-fiction books that I want to write? My memoir? Or, working towards writing essays for publication? I am struggling with this because I really *want* to do it all, but the truth is I only have so much time in my day. And a major portion of my time is still dedicated to raising my young children (and will be even more so when the next one comes). For now, I am leaning towards focusing my efforts on essays for publication.

One other piece that having a new baby actually solved for me is that I will definitely not be going back to traditional work in the near term. As I encountered some of the difficulties with freelance work, going back to work seemed like an increasingly desirable option. I’ve definitely missed the clear-cut objectives, regular pay, and health benefits. But that idea will have to be put on hold for the meantime, likely postponed until our newest addition is two.

The other thing that I feel is important to share is my rededication to my investments. I haven’t talked much about finances on The Sanity Plan to date, but it is something I am definitely going to be doing going forward. I have an extensive financial background, both in education and career, and I have been investing for income for about 15 years. I am much more likely to check my stocks than social media, and I would much rather discuss investment strategy than fashion, celebrities, or even politics. In 2016, I really ignored my investments, and they suffered. It was the first year since the recession where I did not make money. Looking back, I was very distracted with trying to figure out my career direction and adjusting to having two young children, but since investing has been my main source of income since I chose to stay home, I needed to get back to giving it the proper time and attention. I’m glad to say these efforts have already paid off in 2017.

To recap my priorities: running my household and caring for the kids, followed by my investments, followed by my writing. And honestly, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I don’t have time for much else. That doesn’t mean I won’t be making plans to see my friends or exercise or just relaxing. I just needed to get my head clear on how much time I really have during the day and what is the most important to me. I’ve spent many years since becoming a mother feeling stretched too thin across too many areas, feeling so divided that I wasn’t performing my best at any of them.

Part of my Sanity Plan is really keeping a check on that, being careful to be realistic about what I can and can’t take on.

We are super excited about our new addition. With this child, we will have two girls and two boys, in that order. The timing just feels right. When my son was born, our family was going through a big transition, and it really did not go as smoothly as I hoped. My daughter was struggling and yet undiagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and my son was a VERY difficult baby. And to top it off, my stepdaughter came to live with us full time when he was six months old. As I’ve mentioned before, it took us a year to fully transition and feel more comfortable. My husband and I can definitely feel the contrast from then to now, and are welcoming the opportunity to give it another shot with our family in a more stable position.

Filed Under: Parenting, Work/Life Tagged With: career, flexible work, goals, pregnancy, SAHM

Why Do Large Corporations Refuse to Adapt to the Changing Workforce?

February 21, 2017 By Sara M. 3 Comments

Dear Corporate America,

You are missing out on an entire population of dedicated workers. These people are bright, devoted, hardworking, intuitive, and compassionate. They have no problem starting work at the crack of dawn, and going to bed long after midnight. Need someone who can persevere through mental exhaustion and burnout? Need someone with fine-tuned project management skills and the commitment to see a job through to completion? I personally know tons of people that fit the bill. Tons of us. We are moms.

There is an army of mothers out here, at home, underutilized.

Why, you ask?

Well, for one, you are stuck. You have a stodgy idea of what a worker looks like. To you, an employee is a “steady” 9-5 person (and often even more). An employee works in the office during “business hours” because you believe they probably aren’t working if no one is looking over their shoulder. They must be fully indoctrinated with corporate policies and expectations. And the company comes first, perhaps even first and second.

Your unrealistic expectations in this modern world are keeping you from taking advantage of this amazing untapped resource.

Limiting Working from Home

While great strides have been made on allowing working from home and improving work life balance, it is still so far from where it needs to be. I have heard plenty of stories from my highly educated and experienced mom friends to add to my own.

I spent 3 years working from home at a major company in the pharmaceutical industry. It was tolerable only because I was grateful to have such a flexible arrangement. But I paid for that flexibility dearly, when most of my department was let go and the only people retained were the ones who worked onsite at corporate headquarters.

Beyond this, there is stigma related to flexible work. That we really aren’t working as hard as the rest of your in-house employees. I even had a fellow team member chide me that I must enjoy sitting home and watching my soaps (in fact, I don’t watch any TV at all).

I was often much more committed to completing my work than my peers. I can’t even count the times I stayed online after my coworkers left the office at five to get more done. I freely “gave” this additional time because I didn’t have a commute. I willingly put in extra hours after the kids went to bed to meet deadlines. I loved my work; I took pride in getting my work done. My superiors gave me star ratings while I worked at home. But, I was never considered for a promotion. I would have had to “come into the office” for that.

Providing Inflexible Hours

Every family has a different situation. Lots of moms are the primary household manager. Those moms may never feel like they can commit to a full-time in person job again.

Many moms fall into the role of having a career that is secondary to their husband’s career. Maybe due to income disparity or maybe just based on family beliefs. Bosses lift their eyebrows when women have to stay home with a sick kid again. Bosses might even ask if the husband will be taking their turn.

These mothers may have enough time to work a kick ass 20-hour work from home position when the kids go back to school. Or maybe a 2-3 day at the office kind of gig. How open is your organization to filling employment spaces with truly flexible work?

Sometimes just a shift from traditional working hours is needed. Instead of working 9-5, a mother may need to work from 7-3. I know many women who are in this position. There is quite a stigma against the mom who has to leave early every day to be home when the kids get home from school. Did you not notice that she was at work long before her manager arrived in order to get her work done? Did you not notice that she signed on from home again in order to finish any remaining work?

Requiring Too Many Hours for Salaried Workers

I recently met a mom who gave up 2 lucrative offers for tech jobs at a large consumer goods company. Instead, she is filling her time and pockets selling jewelry at home parties for Stella and Dot. YES. You read that right. Why? Because both offers were for salaried positions that were considerably more demanding than a standard workweek. One hiring manager said it would be a minimum of 60 hours, and the other would be 80 hours per week.

80 hours per week? For a mom? For anyone?! 80 hours per week means you need to hire two people. Period.

Sure, I bet you’ll find someone willing to do it. Temporarily, maybe. But good luck getting that from the millennials, they are entering the work force with an incredible drive for work life balance.

Expecting 100% Devotion

I cannot remember a time when employers were truly loyal to their employees. It’s a bygone era that disappeared long before I joined the workforce. In big corporate, no matter how hard I worked, I was always a number. A number that produced numbers.

How can you demand that any employee, especially a parent, be 100% committed to your organization if you are not willing to be just as devoted to them? I can promise that you will never be a priority over my family’s needs, and I suppose in your eyes that makes me a bad worker.

On the flipside, your bottom line means more to you than my family, hence the fact that you laid me off when I was 8 months pregnant. Where’s the loyalty in that?

 

And this letter doesn’t even begin to touch on employment pains for single parents or stay at home dads.

Do the math, Corporate America. With a few conscientious changes you will have access to an incredible hidden workforce. Don’t believe me? Try us.

 

In Honesty,

Sara M.

Filed Under: Work/Life Tagged With: balance, remote work, SAHM, WAHM, work

The Truth About ‘Not Getting Anything Done’

September 8, 2016 By Sara M. 5 Comments

It’s 4 o’clock on a Friday and I’m feeling stressed and panicked. My mind is muddled, with only one thought ringing loud and clear.

“I haven’t gotten anything done today.”

680x450-timeBut wait, is that really true? I haven’t gotten anything done today? Anything at all? I take a moment to review my day.

  • Up at 6 with the kids, keep them quiet and occupied until 8 when the rest of the house awakes
  • Help the teen with some laundry
  • Feed the whole family a proper breakfast of fried eggs, at different times
  • Clean up from breakfast
  • Dress the Littles
  • Take 4-year-old to summer camp by 9
  • 9-12 – pick up around the house and keep an eye on the little man who refused to go down for nap
  • Help husband with some work files
  • 12:15-1:30 interview a new babysitter in person
  • 1:45-2 interview a new babysitter via phone
  • Feed littles and get them down for naps
  • Set up a meeting for work

And I’m sure I’m missing a few things. Back to that thought, though, it’s not exactly accurate. I’ve gotten TONS done today. I just haven’t had time to do the things I wanted to do today. Like create some demonstrations for work, work on the blog, shower, or put away the laundry.

The Bigger Picture

680x450-workingThat struggle I feel between work that is valued or not. Tasks related to the kids or home are not “real work” to me. I don’t feel the same sense of accomplishment that I do when I get a project done at work, or have a successful sales meeting. And I often don’t even allow time for those things, demonstrating again where I put their importance in the scheme of my life. And for me, this negative thinking is not exclusively related to the kids. When I was in school and not working, I often felt lost and directionless. I had less of a sense of achievement without the firm concrete goals that working for someone else often provides.

At the surface, this mentality could easily point to how I was raised. In my household, domestic tasks were considered less important than working or education. Or perhaps it can be blamed on societal ideas that domestic tasks are an old fashioned view of women’s work. Or maybe it is strictly a fault in my personality that I find it difficult to perceive value in the more nuanced or maintenance type tasks.

The Solution

And while I could conduct a more in depth analysis of what has led me to this way of thinking, I’d much rather focus on the solution. Awareness of the faulty thinking is the first step. Disputing the thoughts is the next step. And mentally re-framing the thoughts is the last step.

So, the next time I catch myself thinking “I haven’t gotten anything done today,” I will pause to reflect. I will recognize that this thought leads me to think and feel very negatively (in this case, stressed and panicked). I will consider everything that I have accomplished, domestic tasks included. Lastly, I will make a plan for addressing the other tasks on my list. Because, there is always another day for my to-dos. And hey, raising kids is my important work!

Do you struggle with this? Do you place the same value on tasks related to caring for your children versus work related tasks?

Even as a SAHM or SAHD, is it hard to shake needing concrete tasks and goals to feel accomplished?

Filed Under: Parenting, Self Improvement, Wellbeing Tagged With: domestic, SAHM, stress, time management

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Welcome to THE SANITY PLAN! Here you will find my attempts to restore order in my crazy life post kids. I'm just getting started & I have a lot to say. So far I've written a lot about my perspectives on parenting (sorry, it's where I am at), but I'd love it if you followed my journey to improve my habits, get more organized, redefine my career, and generally live a good life. Or, you can follow just for the entertainment, I promise there will be lots of that. Do you want to learn more about building A Sanity Plan?

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