TheSanityPlan

Solutions for finding balance in this crazy world

Having a Baby? Time to Fill Up Your Tank

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pregnantAnd no, I don’t mean your gas tank (although that’s probably a good idea as well).

I mean, it’s time to fill up your personal tank. I should know, I’ve been through this a time or two – I’m 10 weeks away from delivering my third baby. For those of you who’ve had a baby, you’re probably pretty aware of what happens. For those of you having your first baby, here’s how it goes.

When you have a baby, you can fall into a little bit of a black hole. And it can last for quite some time. For me, it always seems to last about a year. During that first year after childbirth, the first 3-6 months are straight up exhausting due to the lack of sleep. Beyond the delirium, there’s trying to figure out how to manage with a very new, very disruptive person in your household. And depending on whether you nurse, or for how long, this can be an additional drain on your resources. A child from age 0-1 needs so much time and attention (not begrudging – just realistically, this is how it is): diapers, entertainment, holding, snuggling, rocking, feeding, etc. And if you have any other little people running around, your workload is doubled.

I am sure it is different for everyone, but when I’m in that new baby black hole, time stands still. I don’t have the mental or physical energy to make plans with friends, be an active partner to my spouse, or even spend time doing the things I usually love.

So, with all this in mind – I am working very hard to fill up my tank now before my little bundle of joy arrives.

Friends

This week alone, I’ve hung out with two friends in person and made plans with one other. Most of these friends are long term, and I know that we can make it through a one year new baby lapse, but it would be difficult to stretch it any longer than that. Plus, it is so good for me. At a recent playdate, my girlfriend and I swapped funny parenting stories, laughing so hard it brought tears to our eyes.

Partners & Spouses

This summer we were so lucky to have found a great babysitter, which enabled my husband and I to devote regular time to our relationship. We’ve enjoyed going out to dinner, getting massages, or hitting the movie theater. Between the date nights and our babymoon in May, we have been stockpiling the good times to help get us through those especially hard months when the baby is born.

Family Time

Spending as much time with family has been on my mind as well. I have visited my dad once already this summer, and will be heading down again on Monday with the kids. I haven’t seen my mom that much because she lives pretty far away, so I am trying to figure out how I can schedule a trip in to her before I’m cut off from flying…

We’ve seen my husband’s folks many times already this year, and are scheduling at least one more time each before the year’s out. We even spent a couple days with my husband’s cousins during our trip to Chicago earlier this summer. Depending on the circumstances, we’ll still get family time in after the baby is born, but ultimately it will be more difficult for us to travel to them.

Personal

This is going to completely depend on the person. For me, reading has been a lifelong pleasure. And boy, have I been catching up. In July, I read 3 books: Drop the Ball, Unbound, and Into the Water. And I’ve started at least 5 more…

Beyond reading, I am taking care of my health – learning more about my thyroid condition (Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis), getting regular chiropractic care, and even a couple prenatal massages.

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I can tell my tank is getting full, but what about the children? My stepdaughter at 14, my daughter at 4, and my son at 2, will all be affected by the newborn taking up so much more of mom and dad’s time. I have made an effort to be extra available to all of them now. This week, I took my daughter to my ultrasound so that she could see the baby growing inside me and then we went out for lunch. It is a little harder to take my son out for those kinds of activities, but I’ve been extra aware of creating special one-on-one times by playing his favorite games and giving him my undivided attention. Even time with my stepdaughter is important, but for her, I really like to encourage my husband to spend some alone time with her while I take care of the little ones. It really makes a difference to set aside special time for her because the youngest children usually take up such a big portion of our day.

Time is really starting to speed up now and there is so much I want to get done before the little man arrives. I am trying to keep my to-do list to a minimum and focus on top priorities. Hopefully, these efforts will help build up my energy and resilience to sustain me throughout the baby’s first year.

How full is your tank today?

If you are pregnant, what can you do now to help you prepare for the time required to tend and nourish a brand new baby? 

 

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Do You Ever Really Let Yourself Go?

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And I don’t mean in the sense that you forego makeup and wear pajamas all day. What I mean is do you ever really just let loose, totally engross yourself in the moment, or forget about your stressors or to-do list?

I have been thinking about this a lot recently. I find that I am habitually tense. Without even realizing it, I hold my breath for extended periods of time. I sleep tucked in a protective ball and many nights I wake up sore from clenching my teeth and my fists. My mind is so cluttered that it takes constant effort to tune out my own mental soundtrack when someone else is talking to me. I mean, I try to catch the most important details, but I am often focused on what I have to do next.  Most of the time I am not even aware that I am doing it.

I am constantly evaluating what I should be doing: How can I multitask to get more done? How can I effectively fit all the pieces of my life together in the most optimized way?

The problem is I am never fully relaxed. Even when I’ve chosen to take the time to do something fun, I feel the pressures weighing me down, occupying my mental space. Stealing from the moment in present time.

It’s so easy for me to get into a mode of feeling like taking a break is a waste of time. My default setting is to just assume that I am machine-like, going and going and never needing a break because there is always just one more thing to do. And somehow if I just push harder, I can get it all done.

But I am not a machine. My mind and body get worn down from the constant pressure I heap on myself. And even though I do sit down to play a game with my family or watch a movie at the end of the night, I worry that I’m not fully letting myself enjoy the moment.

This topic was on my mind before we left for our babymoon, but being on vacation definitely highlighted the difference. It was so much easier to “let myself go” when I was not in my house surrounded by the visual to-do list and I didn’t have the constant work of minding the kids. I think that my personality has a lot to do with my tendency for seriousness and tension, but adding the responsibility of caring for my young children has definitely made it worse. It’s a combination of the constancy of paying attention to the kids as well as the endless tasks associated with their upkeep.

And then at my worst moments, I wonder what is it that I am so stressed about anyways? I lived a pretty charmed life. I am a stay at home mom. We have decent finances so I don’t feel pressured to go back to work. I get help with the kids for several hours per week (hired because we don’t have a support network). Our family life is going well (we get along and the kids are pretty well behaved). So, what’s with all the stress? I keep going back to the idea that it seems to be just my default reaction to all of the tasks I have to do. Even things that are not that big of a deal in the scheme of life (nobody would die if I didn’t do them) just feel stressful.

And holding onto this great big cloud of stress at all times is preventing me from truly relaxing when I do get the opportunity. Which in turn, feeds the stress monster, making it harder for me to ever let it go.

I wonder how many other people feel the same way? Have you found that parenthood has heaped a sizable amount of stress onto you? Are you able to compartmentalize your to-do list and really let yourself go when the opportunity arises?

Just being aware of it has helped a ton. Realizing my daily stressors aren’t that big in the scheme of things. And remembering that when I’m “off-duty,” everything else can wait.

 

Why I Became a Snowbird in My 30’s

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If you had told me even 5 years ago that I would become a snowbird in my 30’s, I would have laughed. I have never particularly been fond of Florida because of the intense summer heat. And yet, here I am in Florida for our 3rd extended winter trip with my entire family of 5.

We didn’t plan to become snowbirds, we stumbled our way into it. The choice was mostly driven by my husband, whose moods were majorly impacted by the characteristically cold and dreary winters of the Northeast. He craved sunshine and warm weather to help him feel better.

With this in mind, we began planning vacations to sunny locales at the peak of winter in an effort to combat some of his melancholy. This would work, but we realized that just one week or even 10 days was not enough time to truly relax and recharge. It took several days to be able to wind down from our busy schedules and lives back home, and before we knew it we were headed back into the cold. Not to mention the incredible expense of taking our whole family on vacation to tropical destinations.

Finally, we realized that because we both held remote work positions, there was nothing stopping us from working from anywhere we pleased. I can still remember the day our discussion led us to this idea, standing in the kitchen discussing the possibilities and saying “why not?”

At first, we researched rentals in the Caribbean, but eliminated them because of the incredible expense to fly there and rent a car, in addition to paying inflated prices for meals and entertainment. We were also concerned about reliable internet connectivity.

That’s how we landed in Florida. It was as far south as we could go on the East Coast and still remain in the US. We could drive our own vehicle and bring some of our own belongings. We would remain in somewhat familiar territory with US based systems and routines.

Identifying ourselves as snowbirds came from our very first trip. The amount of teasing we received was not small. Eyebrows were raised. It was the topic de jour. “So, y’all are snowbirds?” became a familiar line. It was pretty much unheard for a young family to spend an extended period of time in Florida during the winter. The snowbird title typically belonged to retired folks, not newly married folks with toddlers in tow.

I have to admit I was pretty reluctant at first. I was worried about being able to maintain my job remotely (even more remotely, no longer within driving distance of my office) while juggling the children. It was a little harder, but doable because my husband jumped in to help me balance. My husband’s consultancy, while Northeast based, was surprisingly portable. He could easily return home for business meetings or tradeshows, but every other aspect of his business could be handled via phone, email, or fax (forwarded to email).

It turns out that I didn’t need to worry about work for our subsequent trips, as I was part of a mass layoff while pregnant with my son. That year we came down right after I delivered him, and I was able to recover with our newborn in the warmer climate.

The benefits for our family are immeasurable. The sunshine lifted all of our spirits incredibly (even mine, and I hadn’t considered myself affected by the bleak winters). The warm weather helped us get more active, as opposed to being holed up inside due to the cold. Our bodies reset to a more summer styled appetite, allowing us to eat lighter and healthier. More typically seasonal foods were available like avocados and oranges, and being close to the water increased the availability of fish to eat.

The most surprising element of all? We were more productive. We got more done during those periods than we would typically do at home during the winter. We’ve spent some time trying to narrow down the exact cause, but mostly attribute it to an overall increase in health and wellness, with a better balance of work and play. We took time every day to swim or hit the park or find an adventure. When we sat down to work in shorter bursts, we were more focused and successful.

I realize this is not an option for everyone, and yes, we feel very fortunate. It’s expensive, but probably not as much as you might think. Renting a house is often less expensive per night than a hotel, and we don’t have to take the time off from work because we bring our work with us. We’re willing to forego traditional vacations because this kind of hybrid vacation has done more for us in terms of lasting benefits. But we didn’t always think it could be a reality for us, either. We evaluated our scenario, and dared to push past traditional boundaries in order to find a solution that worked for our Sanity Plan.

 

A lot have things have changed since I wrote this post now that I have two school-aged children, click here for my latest update.

A Sensory Diet ANY Mom Would Envy

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Parenting is overwhelming. Babies and toddlers have constant needs, and low thresholds for not having their needs met (read: CRYING). Coupled with the trademark lack of sleep and self-care, many moms feel worn out and exhausted.

One might think a Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) diagnosis smack in the middle of parenting two young kiddos would be depressing. Honestly, I was relieved to have found a way to better understand my struggles as a parent, particularly related to my oversensitivity to touch, sound, and smell. And when I found out the treatment would consist of the following “sensory diet,” I couldn’t be happier. The idea of sensory diet is to find ways to take breaks from stimulation and refill your energy tank (which gets drained by overstimulation).

I think every mom should take a cue from this diet, because as we all know, parenting can be an overtaxing, highly stressful season of life.

680x450-spaCreate a Mom Space

Create a sacred space for yourself. Preferably with a door, my therapist advised. This is a space just for you to decompress, no children allowed (perhaps, hubby too?). This is critical for me because I need alone time to recharge. My brain is moving 1,000 miles per minute and when I am around too many other people and too much talking, I can no longer think clearly. The space should have calming décor and allow for quiet or relaxing sounds such as music.

Feed Your Senses

Replace negative stimulation with positive stimulation. For me, this relates to my overactive sense of smell. I’ll put it this way – I can smell EVERYTHING. I am constantly bombarded with smells, whether good, bad, or neutral. However, the smell of peppermint is super rich and calming for me, so I need to find a way to incorporate this smell into my daily life. I will use a diffuser, candle, or a scented hand cream in order to help me balance the constant bombardment of “displeasing” smells.

Meditation

You can do this anywhere, but it is especially helpful to do in your Mom Space. My therapist suggested the Brainspace app for a guided meditation. Similar to above, meditation gives your brain a break from external stimuli, and centers your focus back to your own needs.

680x450-sleepWeighted Blankets/Lap Pads

Who doesn’t like to snuggle in a nice thick blanket or comforter? It doesn’t just have to be a cold winter night for me to want to cuddle on the couch with a heavy blanket and a good book. Adding extra weight to a blanket provides a calming secure sensation for the body and brain.

Weekly Exercise

I just wrote about how I am implementing this, despite the fact that it is quite possibly my least favorite part of this plan. Regular exercise has countless benefits for everyday physical health as well as recovering from pregnancy related body changes and hormone levels. Exercise also positively affects mental health by improving moods, clarity of thoughts, and more.

Monthly Massages!

My husband balked a little at this one, but I sure got a kick out of it. While I don’t know that we can afford such a luxury, the concept is amazing. Deep pressure work is healing for both the body and mind. Coupled with the time to get away from the busyness of the household, massage can provide a real boost of both relaxation and energy return.

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I know, where do I sign up, right?

 

Do you already do any of the above? What else is a must for taking care of ourselves as mothers?

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