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To Babymoon or Not to Babymoon?

May 27, 2017 By Sara M. 2 Comments

The answer: It depends.

I was never a big believer in the whole concept of a babymoon. But that had a lot to do with our unique circumstances, the way our relationship unfolded. We were together for 5 years before we got married so we had plenty of time to enjoy spending time as a couple before adding a child. We were older when we got married (think 30+) so both of us had also had our fill of young solo activities, rest and relaxation, etc. To top it off, we were averaging at least one vacation per year anyways, so we were not starving for romance or getaways. And even if you know from our story that my husband already had his daughter, we only had her part time back then so it wasn’t difficult to carve out time for ourselves.

So, when we got pregnant with our daughter in March of 2012, we didn’t plan a “babymoon.”

But over time, things have changed. We took having our daughter pretty much in stride, despite the fact that she was not an easy baby. Our relationship definitely took a toll from the constant demands of those early parenting years. By the time our son was born, 2 years later, and despite our best intentions, our relationship was in a rough patch. Looking back, our friction was compounded by the fact that we had no support network. We rarely got the chance for any child-free time, let alone a healthy regular break. We had taken only 1 short child-free trip in the 4.5 years we’ve been raising children together and the purpose of that trip was to visit family, so while it was fun, it was also not centered around us.

In the 2 years since our son was born, we made huge strides in prioritizing our relationship. We hired sitters for date nights and even occasionally went out for date breakfast when the kids were in daycare. Anything to keep up our relationship in our new hectic, child-monopolized world.

beachSo, when we decided to have our third child, it occurred to me that a babymoon would be a great way to reconnect as husband and wife. We had already done a ton of groundwork, hence the decision to have another child, but a special vacation would signify our commitment to each other. Especially since we were both fully aware of the strain a new baby can put on a marriage.

Even under the best circumstances, it is common for the relationship to take a short hiatus to make room for the new bundle of joy.

Having just returned from our babymoon, I can tell you it was totally right for us. With my pregnancy in mind, we planned a totally laid-back resort style vacation. We placed high emphasis on resting, that included sleeping most of the first day with the exception of getting midday lunch and massages. We made it a point to do everything that we wouldn’t normally get to do at home:

  • wake up naturally (no kids for alarms!)
  • take naps
  • read
  • talk about grownup topics (without interruptions)
  • meet new people
  • go out for romantic dinners

I’ve always been really hesitant to leave the kids for an extended period of time, but now at 2.5 and 4.5 they did really well without us. Which was a relief.

So, back to the original question. To babymoon or not? Before you make a decision based on the babymoon trend, take a moment to consider your personal factors.

How is your relationship going?

Have you filled up your romance tank in preparation for a new baby?

Do you have a good support network, allowing for regular child-free outings?

Do you feel comfortable leaving your children with a caregiver?

Are you at a good point in your pregnancy for a vacation?

 

I think one of the things that made our trip so special was that it had been so long since we had taken a solo vacation. We reminisced about all of the fun vacations we took prior to having kids and we were both just so grateful to have a break and the chance to be with each other. Uninterrupted. Without deadlines and rushing and the general hectic nature of everyday life with littles. To say the least, it definitely added to our Sanity Plan.

Want to learn more about creating a Sanity Plan for yourself? Click here.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: babymoon, marriage, pregnancy, relationships, vacation

When a Big Change Fills Your Heart with Dread

January 12, 2017 By Sara M. 9 Comments

movingMy husband wants to move. Well, actually we both *want* to move but the whole prospect is a bit terrifying for me.

There are so many good reasons for us to move. We are literally looking at only moving one town over to a neighborhood with a superior school district. We would be able to save money by taking our teen out of private school, and the youngest kids will be on a public-school tract for their full K-12 educations. We’ll be able to find a property that better suits our needs: a house with a layout that has more dedicated functional space. Right now, we have two useless rooms with no doors and a basement below grade that no one likes to go in unless we are watching a movie.

So, there are many good reasons for us to make this change. Yet, I am dreading the idea of actually picking up and doing it.

My husband is so excited. He is usually the first to jump on board with any changes. He loves to get up and go, without a second look back (and I’m not just referring to moving). But now, I’ve gotten to the point that every time he even brings up this subject, my heart sinks. It reached a peak over the weekend when he picked out several properties online and asked me twice to come and take a look at them. Each time I came up with excuses for why I didn’t have time to look at the houses. Because I feel like I just can’t go there right now.

I feel so overwhelmed by the thought of moving. The incredibly long process of house hunting is quite painful for someone like me who hates making decisions. Then, there is the grueling process of obtaining a mortgage, with endless documents to obtain and financial decisions to make. Everything about moving is decision overload.

But the worst part by far, is the idea of packing, moving, unpacking, and setting up a brand-new home. I am completely stalled with fear when I think of all of the work it will take to move everything we own. There are things I haven’t even unpacked from when we moved here, and we’ve lived here for 5 years last month. It has literally taken me years, partially delayed by having two babies, to decorate and personalize this home.

Why do I feel this way about moving? I’ve moved my whole life. House after house, different school systems, different states, different countries even. I am so tired of moving and changing everything and starting new. Despite all of the good reasons we have to move, I am really struggling to get over this serious pit in my stomach at the thought of all the change.

girl twirlingI have become deeply sentimental about this home that we’ve created. We brought both of our children home from the hospital to this house. Especially around the holidays, I am overwhelmed with joy remembering the traditions we have worked so hard to create here. If we moved within a year, I am not sure that either of our young ones will remember this house beyond what they see in pictures.

I feel guilty for being so negative. I am scared that my unwillingness to jump on board with the idea is putting a damper on my husband’s excitement. I feel as though I should be grateful to be able to afford to move to a different home that will better suit our family. Yet, here I sit, wanting to dig my feet into the ground. Staking my place here, refusing to budge unless forcibly removed. I am mixed with fear of the work and the loss of the beautiful memories we’ve made.

I will miss the friendships we’ve made in this neighborhood, and I am nervous about making new ones. I think this is partially from knowing the truth that lots of friends fall away when you move. There are good intentions to stay in touch, but in this modern world if it is not incredibly convenient, it just doesn’t seem to happen.

This is what I am going to have to work through. I need to sit down and explain these feelings to my husband, and we can decide together how to handle each one. I know he will understand, and that my feelings shouldn’t keep us from actually making this step. But I need to honor them, find perspective on each of my struggles, and create a plan to make this move as successful as possible.

Filed Under: Personal, Relationships Tagged With: change, childhood, fear, friends, marriage, moving, relationships

A Recipe for Making Your Grown Kids Feel Loved During the Holidays

December 12, 2016 By Sara M. 6 Comments

680x450-turkeyWe just got home from the most amazing holiday trip. What really made it stand out in my mind was the stark contrast to the majority of our other family trips. You know, the ones where you come home so depleted that it takes you days to recover: the exhausting travel, the kids being out of sorts, not sleeping well in a strange place/bed, and way too much talking.

This year, our Thanksgiving trip was the exact opposite. I came home feeling more relaxed, uplifted, and loved than before.

And I can promise you it’s not because we shipped the kids off and spent a week in Tahiti. It was just the perfect combination of great family times and love.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what made it so special. Partially just to understand, but also to boil it down so I can remind myself when our grown children come home to visit us. Especially if they have kids of their own.

Here is the recipe I came up with:

2 Loving Grandparents

My husband’s father and stepmother were amazingly gracious hosts. I never felt like myself, my husband, or the kids were a burden to have in their home for several days. I enjoyed every aspect of spending time with them. I loved watching them get down on my kids’ level and truly engage them. It was so natural. And they were so easygoing that if the kids didn’t say or do exactly the right thing, they just patiently corrected them.

680x450-hugsEach evening when the kids went to bed,we spent hours having great adult conversations. Since we’ve shifted into the parent role ourselves, we compared notes on kids and child-rearing. We dished about all aspects of life and business. My favorite part was getting to hear more stories about their adventures running an international adoption agency. Filled with the details that they can share with us now that we’re not kids anymore.

It was in sharing the deeper aspects of our lives and personal stories that we all got closer, solidifying our bonds at this new stage.

2 Patient Parents

Being in such a great environment helped us remain calm as parents. It takes a real load off when you know that even if your kids act up, it’s not going to ruffle your parent’s feathers. And when we’re calm, the kids are calm.

And the side benefit for us, with a system that works smoothly, we can take our attention off the kids and enjoy each other as husband and wife.

2 Well-behaved Toddlers

At 2 and 4, the kids’ behavior is typically a crap shoot. But this trip was an exception. The circumstances all blended together perfectly to encourage good behavior. They were polite, saying “please” and “thank you” without prodding. They interacted easily with their grandparents, even enjoying one on one time with them without any coercion.

1 Child Friendly House

Being in a well set up and welcoming home is 1,000 times better than living in a single hotel room with 2 toddlers. Their house was surprisingly childproof – this means nothing breakable from 3 feet down. Seriously, their house was actually better set up for toddlers than our own home.

1 iPad

I know, I know: screen time. But… strategically used for transitions, Netflix on the iPad works like a charm.

Great Food and Lots of Wine

It was just a small bonus that my father and step-mother-in-law have taken professional cooking classes and love to drink good wine.

No Schedule

Having a completely flexible schedule was the best gift. Once Thanksgiving Day was behind us, there were no requirements of doing anything at any particular time. This let us all just take a break from the typical rush-rush-rush of our daily grind, and not running the kids around is always easier on them.

The second piece of this was when we did decide to go out, we did kid friendly things. So often, when we spend time with family that don’t also have young kids, we are expected to make the kids endure activities that aren’t appealing to them (think visiting wineries and shopping malls). Instead, we visited an amazing playground downtown, and walked along a scenic waterside park at the kids’ leisurely pace.

680x450-motherdaughterolderThe Secret Sauce

What tied all of the flavors together was the secret sauce. We all love each other because we are family. But getting to know each other at a deeper level allowed us to develop a love based more in friendship and camaraderie than your typical parent-child relationship.

There is something magical about when your parents can appreciate who you’ve become. When they honor your new role as parents and validate your efforts to raise decent human beings. When they look you in the eye, and tell you how proud they are of you. And at once you are both parent and child, strong and soft.

*****

All of these ingredients worked together seamlessly to create the most enjoyable holiday experience. It was refreshing and uplifting enough to easily overcome the exhaustion of traveling more than 10 hours each way in the car with toddlers.

I know that sometimes these ingredients are hard to find, but a couple of strategic tweaks to the recipe might result in a family tradition worth passing down for generations.

Filed Under: Relationships Tagged With: family, grandkids, grandparents, holidays, love, parents, principles, relationships

The Sanity Plan Principles Part 4– Forge Close Relationships

December 9, 2016 By Sara M. 2 Comments

Welcome to part four of The Sanity Plan Principles series. The fourth principle is:

closerelationships

 Why do we need to “Forge Close Relationships?”

I bet you could instantly think of several reasons why you need close relationships. Relationships are a key component of our humanity. We live and thrive in an interconnected world.

But just knowing a ton of people is not enough. When you take a relationship deeper than just a casual acquaintance you can get so much more out of it.

Close relationships offer a sense of community. We become aware of the fact that we are not alone in this journey. We become tuned in to the needs of others outside of our immediate circles.

When you work to develop these relational bonds, you have someone to fall back on when you really need it the most. I’ve noticed that people are more likely to help one another when a connection has been established.


How do we “Forge Close Relationships?”

680x450-friends2Note my use of the action word “forge.” I carefully chose this word because I want to emphasize the fact that it is our job to take action to create deeper relationships. They do not always happen naturally or without effort.

There are lots of ways to strengthen your relationships.

You can do this by sharing more intimately with the person. Instead of talking about a subject at the surface, dig a little deeper, express how you think or feel about the subject.

You can do this by sharing how you feel about the person directly. Do you tell them that you love them? Are you physically affectionate? And I am not just speaking about romantic relationships, although this applies in that case as well.

Can you deepen the relationship by helping the other person? An offer to help with your time or expertise can be a great relationship builder. This can be especially when it comes to business networking.

Beware of the Social Media Trap

It is really easy to fall into the trap of corresponding with family, friends, and work acquaintances primarily via social media. Even the use of digital communications such as text or email can be a barrier to closeness and understanding.

680x450-friendsHave you ever gotten a message from someone that just came out wrong? No matter how you looked at it or tried to consider their point of view, it just came across as rude or distant.

This is because digital communications are missing some of the fundamental aspects of human interaction: facial expressions, body language, affect, tone, etc.

My experience

I know that I need close relationships in my life. When I begin to keep too many of my thoughts and emotions to myself, I default to feeling very alone.

I am extremely fortunate to have found a husband who I can share intimately with. This relationship is the backbone of my life. I also use emotional language with my children, parents, and siblings.

Outside of family, I’ve had a lot harder of a time developing friendships. I moved a lot throughout my life and haven’t had particularly longstanding friendships due to that. I like to have only a few really good friends at a time because I put a lot of energy into my relationships.

With my existing friends, I try to call them regularly (see social media above) and I like to get together with them as much as we can. I also know that I prefer to meet one on one with a friend, or even as two couples. Any more than that tends to overwhelm me.

I’ve made a bunch of new friends recently. I picked a couple of local women in a similar life stage to mine (with young kids) and really worked to get close with them. I am persistent in making plans to do play dates, balancing between being the host and the hosted (I like to be as fair as possible in sharing the burden). And when we do get together, I am honest and real, which often solicits a similar level of sharing in return. And as a result, I’ve been feeling a lot more connected to other people in my life.

Do you feel close to your family and friends right now? Are there any relationships that you would like to improve?

Next principle: Be Solution Oriented

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Filed Under: Relationships, Wellbeing Tagged With: basics, communication, mindset, relationships, sanity plan

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Welcome to THE SANITY PLAN! Here you will find my attempts to restore order in my crazy life post kids. I'm just getting started & I have a lot to say. So far I've written a lot about my perspectives on parenting (sorry, it's where I am at), but I'd love it if you followed my journey to improve my habits, get more organized, redefine my career, and generally live a good life. Or, you can follow just for the entertainment, I promise there will be lots of that. Do you want to learn more about building A Sanity Plan?

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