mindfulness Archives - TheSanityPlan

Filling the Empty Spaces

January 26, 2018 By Sara M. 7 Comments

When I nurse my son, I like to head upstairs to his nursery. He has just gotten to that age where he is starting to get distracted from eating by the noises of our household: happy screams from his older siblings, the clanking of dishes, a movie playing in the background. The nursery is about as far from the noisy center of our home as one can be.

The escape is nice for me too. If the older ones are engaged in an activity or watching a show, I can really use the time to step away. Especially at the end of a long day with all of my kids, my brain feels overwhelmed and tired.

I have a book on the night stand that is easy for me to grab while he’s sucking away. And my phone is almost always within reach; it feels much like a third arm.

It is not uncommon for my husband to take note of me nursing and offer to bring me something. In which case, he means can he bring me ”something to do.” He looks at me with empathetic eyes as though considering how hard must it be to sit there, unable to get up for some time, with nothing to do.

I can almost hear how painful the thought is for him.

But…. I am doing something.

I am nursing my son.

I feel so much resentment towards this idea that creeps into my mind at all times of the day and night. That I must always be busy. I must always be doing something. To the point that even when I am doing something, I must also be doing something else.

Is nursing my child just an event on the periphery of life? Or, is it life itself? The main feature, front and center?

Why do we feel the constant need to fill the empty spaces?

As I sit to nurse, I start to itch for something to do. Pick up my book. Scroll through Facebook or Instagram to catch up on other people’s lives. But am I here, drinking up the joy of my own?

Even checking my stocks and reading news take me away from the experience, the here and now that I so desperately want to capture. When I look back at this time, I don’t think I’ll care about what was going on in the news.

What if it’s not an empty space?

I become aware of the task at hand. The pleasant experience of offering my milk to my child. Nourishing him, feeding him. Feeling his warmth and sharing his closeness.

I can shut my eyes, taking the time to rest them. Lubricate them.

I can breathe deeply.

I can let my mind wander. I’m tempted to fill the mental time with planning concrete projects or articles to write. But instead, I allow my thoughts to drift without their master.

All day long, I feel stressed and strained to get things done. Get the next load of laundry in the dryer. Make meals. Clean up after meals. Help the kids with their projects and play. Talking to them, teaching them. Doing doing doing doing doing.

I am doing all day long. Multiple things at the same time. Why can’t I just accept a quiet moment and leave the space empty?

Nursing the baby isn’t me time. It’s us time. And its actually a very full space, rich with love and connection. I love to feel his shape pressed against me, one hand reaching up to grasp a finger or a bit of my shirt. I enjoy the increased weight of his little body as he drifts off to milk-laden sleep.

All day long I feel like there isn’t enough time. I barely have time to sit and rest. My brain feels like a traffic jam and it takes an inordinate amount of time to think through simple tasks. I feel so strained and torn, pulled in 5 different directions at once.

And yet the first break from all those demands, the first opportunity for peace and quiet, I reach automatically to fill the space with a different kind of mind numbing noise.

I am making a conscious effort to preserve the “empty spaces” in my life for much needed rejuvenation. Doing so requires a ton of effort to fight my own nature and the external pressures of the busy-ness culture. I have to remind myself that even machines need down time and maintenance.

I don’t see this as mindfulness, although it shares some of the elements. I see this more as reclaiming our private times. Assigning value to the time spent doing nothing (or doing something that easily allows for a wandering mind). The great thinkers of human history treasured time spent in rumination, we would benefit from the same kind of reverence in this modern age.

Do you struggle with the same thing? Does this way a life become just a mode, a default setting?

Join me in taking back the empty spaces in our lives. Consider them like the forestry and parks that our nation tries to preserve as sacred spaces. Be fierce about giving it up for capture.

Take back those moments of freedom when you’re driving in the car, or drinking your coffee, or nursing your child.

Take them back because they are precious and rare.

Take them back because you need them to survive.

Do You Ever Really Let Yourself Go?

June 14, 2017 By Sara M. 10 Comments

And I don’t mean in the sense that you forego makeup and wear pajamas all day. What I mean is do you ever really just let loose, totally engross yourself in the moment, or forget about your stressors or to-do list?

I have been thinking about this a lot recently. I find that I am habitually tense. Without even realizing it, I hold my breath for extended periods of time. I sleep tucked in a protective ball and many nights I wake up sore from clenching my teeth and my fists. My mind is so cluttered that it takes constant effort to tune out my own mental soundtrack when someone else is talking to me. I mean, I try to catch the most important details, but I am often focused on what I have to do next. Most of the time I am not even aware that I am doing it.

I am constantly evaluating what I should be doing: How can I multitask to get more done? How can I effectively fit all the pieces of my life together in the most optimized way?

The problem is I am never fully relaxed. Even when I’ve chosen to take the time to do something fun, I feel the pressures weighing me down, occupying my mental space. Stealing from the moment in present time.

It’s so easy for me to get into a mode of feeling like taking a break is a waste of time. My default setting is to just assume that I am machine-like, going and going and never needing a break because there is always just one more thing to do. And somehow if I just push harder, I can get it all done.

But I am not a machine. My mind and body get worn down from the constant pressure I heap on myself. And even though I do sit down to play a game with my family or watch a movie at the end of the night, I worry that I’m not fully letting myself enjoy the moment.

This topic was on my mind before we left for our babymoon, but being on vacation definitely highlighted the difference. It was so much easier to “let myself go” when I was not in my house surrounded by the visual to-do list and I didn’t have the constant work of minding the kids. I think that my personality has a lot to do with my tendency for seriousness and tension, but adding the responsibility of caring for my young children has definitely made it worse. It’s a combination of the constancy of paying attention to the kids as well as the endless tasks associated with their upkeep.

And then at my worst moments, I wonder what is it that I am so stressed about anyways? I lived a pretty charmed life. I am a stay at home mom. We have decent finances so I don’t feel pressured to go back to work. I get help with the kids for several hours per week (hired because we don’t have a support network). Our family life is going well (we get along and the kids are pretty well behaved). So, what’s with all the stress? I keep going back to the idea that it seems to be just my default reaction to all of the tasks I have to do. Even things that are not that big of a deal in the scheme of life (nobody would die if I didn’t do them) just feel stressful.

And holding onto this great big cloud of stress at all times is preventing me from truly relaxing when I do get the opportunity. Which in turn, feeds the stress monster, making it harder for me to ever let it go.

I wonder how many other people feel the same way? Have you found that parenthood has heaped a sizable amount of stress onto you? Are you able to compartmentalize your to-do list and really let yourself go when the opportunity arises?

Just being aware of it has helped a ton. Realizing my daily stressors aren’t that big in the scheme of things. And remembering that when I’m “off-duty,” everything else can wait.

Setting Up My Exercise Routine

October 27, 2016 By Sara M. 9 Comments

I haven’t gotten to the goal setting part of the Sanity Plan, but I just wanted to write a quick note about one of my goals. If you’ve been reading, you may have heard me say how much I hate exercise. In fact, I often refer to exercise as an allergy of mine (along with cleaning).

But recently, it has come to a point where I simply have to address my sedentary nature. For my health, both physical and mental.

Ever since my son was born almost two years ago, I have been in significant back pain. I had a strange stabbing pain in my hip for the better part of a year from misalignment. And my upper neck and shoulders are rock hard from stress, on top of a long term injury.

I’ve done all the passive treatments I can do including chiropractic and massage, both with a therapeutic bent. This works for a short period, a couple weeks at best, before the symptoms recur.

The truth is that I am not doing any of the work needed to physical maintain any of the repairs they make.

As for my sanity, I am being constantly reminded by my reading or my therapist about the benefits of physical activity. How good it is for your brain. How good it is for being present. How good it is for balancing your hormones. Add those benefits to the fact that if regular exercise keeps me out of physical pain, it will be a winning combination.

I am not getting any younger, and I am finally ready to make a commitment to exercise. This was partially prompted by my brilliant therapist who suggested that I not enroll in a coveted writing class until I had accomplished this.

So, I’ve laid some groundwork. I have chosen two low impact activities based on what I’ve described above: yoga and swimming. I’ve decided to take classes because, knowing myself, I will be much more likely to stay committed if there is accountability.

I picked out a yoga studio very close by, reviewed the schedule, and spoke with a manager about my skill level and potential classes to take. As for swimming, my timing couldn’t be better as registration is open this week for a series that begins next week.

So there it is, my goal is out there in the world. I am going to exercise two times per week. Monday mornings for swim, and Tuesday nights for yoga.

Now I can go sign up for that writing class.

Do you incorporate exercise into your Sanity Plan? What is the biggest benefit you see?

THE SANITY PLAN PRINCIPLES PART 2– Discover Yourself

October 24, 2016 By Sara M. Leave a Comment

Welcome to the part two of The Sanity Plan Principles series. The second principle is:

What is “Discovering Yourself?”

When you turn your attention inward to study your own thoughts, feelings, motivations, and preferences, you are “discovering yourself.”

Figuring out who we are is a lifelong journey. Partly because the introspection and self-knowledge takes time, and partly because we change so much throughout the course of our lives.

How do you “Discover yourself?”

This brings us back to the first principle, Being Present. In order to learn more about ourselves, we must be willing to slow down and listen.
Listen to and acknowledge our own thoughts and feelings.

Ask yourself questions. Did you notice a particular reaction you had? Ask yourself, “Why did I react that way?”

Pay attention to your habits and preferences. Do you like to do things in a particular order? Why is that?

Do you prefer to do certain things at certain times of day? Why is that?

How does “Discovering Ourselves” help us?

Self-knowledge is a powerful tool. Armed with an understanding of yourself, you can make better decisions that more closely align with your needs.

Knowing who you are helps you communicate more clearly in existing relationships. It is also important when developing new relationships in terms of the people you choose and the way you engage them.

Understanding your unique preferences helps you organize your day and your life in a way that best suits you – whether it is the type of work you do, when and how you complete certain tasks, how you orchestrate family/social time, etc.

My experience

As my mother often reminds me, I am on a journey of “self-discovery.” I tend to have a natural tendency towards this as I am very introspective. I am fascinated to learn about my inner workings, and I also enjoy learning about what makes other people tick. It was part of my drive in pursuing a BA in Psychology.

The more I know about myself, the better equipped I am to handle whatever life throws my way. I have identified certain buttons I struggle with, which makes it easier to realize when I am falling back on an old habit or way of thinking. The ability to recognize a self-characteristic is the first step in being able to use tactics to change it or find a creative solution around it.

Not all characteristics are “bad” per se. I have recently discovered that I am a highly sensitive person. While I love to feel and experience, sometimes it can be overwhelming to others. Because I am aware of this in myself and its effect on others, I can control how much of that sensitivity I reveal.

Or, I am very aware of the fact that I do my best work in the morning when I am fresh and my mind is clear. So, I orchestrate my day in a way that I can dedicate that highly focused time to work or creativity.

What methods do you use in order to learn more about yourself? How does it help you to restore Sanity in your life?

Next principle: Build Your Network

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The Sanity Plan Principles Part 1– Being Present

October 19, 2016 By Sara M. 7 Comments

Welcome to the part one of The Sanity Plan Principles series. The first principle is:

What is Being Present?

Being present, often referred to as mindfulness, is the act of focusing your thoughts on the here and now. To do so is to cultivate a deep, nonjudgmental awareness of your thoughts, external objects/people, or your position in space.

I believe that presence of mind is the fundamental principle before all of the other principles. It is the groundwork that one must do in order to live your life with purpose.

How do you become aware?

Presence of mind is a skill that must be learned. And practiced. In this modern life there are endless distractions that pull us away from true experience. We must work diligently to keep them at bay.

There are tons of good resources on how to become more mindful, here are a couple of my favorites:

Deepak Chopra

Leo Babauta

How does being present help us?

Being present enhances our internal and external viewpoints. Becoming conscious of your thoughts as you have them sets you on a path of self-discovery. Collecting data from what other people say and the facial expressions they make allows us to better understand their actions and needs. Becoming aware of our place in society and this world helps us to navigate in this world and push for changes wherever needed.

Without awareness, we cannot see what needs to change.

My experience

Being present is equally hard to maintain and important to do. As you may have read in some of my essays, I have been through quite a bit between my parent’s divorce, my mother’s mental illness, my relationship with my stepmom, my special needs kids, etc.

I have to fight really hard to remain present. And when I’m not, the lack of mindfulness definitely takes a toll on my life. I feel very alone, cut off from the people I love and the experiences we are sharing.

The most helpful tactic for me is to feel my surroundings. Feel the steadiness of the ground beneath my feet. Feel the surfaces of tables, walls, or whatever is in my environment. Next, I focus my mind on what other people are saying. I ignore my own inner thoughts, which tend to be loud. It takes a lot of practice, but is easy to maintain once you get rolling.

What methods do you use in order to achieve presence of mind? How does it help you to restore Sanity in your life?

Next principle: Discover Yourself

Loving Lazy Days

October 16, 2016 By Sara M. Leave a Comment

I love lazy days. I think it’s a mixture for me. Part of it is my sedentary nature, and my love of homebody habits like reading and writing and relaxing. The other part is that our lives are so busy, that a break from the go-go-go, rush-rush-rush is such a relief.

The best are the days where you have zero obligations. We try to schedule at least one weekend day like this. Where you can sit around in your pajamas all day if you wish. No rushing to get ready, get the kids ready, get out of the house, and be to a certain place by a certain time.

It’s a day where you can put your to-do list aside. Follow your inspiration to do whatever feels right, and spare yourself the guilt trip if you don’t get anything done at all. Give yourself a break from that constant drive of productivity and accomplishment.

This is “living” too. Breathing, relaxing, letting your shoulders down, and your stress drip away. This is here. This is now. We are not machines.

I love enjoying free time to play with the kids, with no urge to do anything else at the same time. Or feeling pulled to wrap it up so I can go get something done.

I love giving my brain a rest. Slowing my thoughts down, not thinking about anything important at all. Getting a reprieve from being “on” all the time.

This is so good for the kids as well. You can tell they are weary from the week. The constant movement and timelines. School and daycare and errands to run.

“Hurry up, we’re going to be late…”

“Hustle, hustle.”

“Let’s get moving…”

Not today. Today is sacred. Today we will do nothing. Eat when we are hungry. Sleep if we are tired. Slow down. Read. Relax. Recharge.