TheSanityPlan

Solutions for finding balance in this crazy world

  • What is a Sanity Plan?
  • Parenting
  • Relationships
  • Wellbeing
  • Organization
  • Contact

How Will You Remember Their Childhood?

November 1, 2016 By Sara M. 27 Comments

680x450-childhood2“I just don’t want to look back on this time as the Dark Ages,” I tell my good friend’s wife. A large group of my college classmates and our kids were visiting a traveling farm last fall.

She sighed, “You probably will.”

This was the hardest thing for me to hear. My son was 8 months old at the time, and my daughter was 2 ¾. I was flying solo for that trip because my husband was away for business. I was a mess. Overwhelmed and exhausted, barely speaking coherent sentences. Trying to manage a willful toddler and a cranky baby.

Out with my classmates, I could barely even remember us all doing our MBAs. Only 6 years had passed but it felt like an eternity. Motherhood had changed everything.

As my son now approaches 2, and my daughter 4, things are so much better. She has improved both socially and emotionally, and she is much more willing to follow instructions and get along. My son is finally crying less, and trying to communicate his needs with words. We’ve settled into a workable routine.

But those words are still echoing through my mind. In 5 years or 10 years, am I still going to be plagued by the difficulty of these early years with my son? Am I going to feel like it was the worst time of my life? Am I going to carry the weight of this deep guilt for falling apart at such a precious time?

I think I easily could. But I don’t want to. I don’t want the film of negativity to color what I remember about my babies’ youngest years. Yes, I will probably always know that it was hard for both my husband and I, an early babyhood gauntlet.

450x680-sandyfeetBut there has been so much more that I have to work to bring to mind.

I am reminded when I go through pictures of all the fun times we’ve had together. Going to the zoo and feeding the giraffes. Going to the beach and building sand castles. My husband and I taking them to swim classes together.

Or painting with water colors outside when it was warm.

Or running around in the rain and jumping in puddles.

Or the times I bundled them up to go play outside in the snow, and they had so much fun that they barely felt the cold.

What about reading to them every single night? And how I slowed down to read at their pace, patiently answered questions, and engaged in endless side stories.

What about all of the conversations we’ve had? About silly things and serious things and everything in between. And poop, lots of poop.

What about the times I chased them around the kitchen island until we were all dizzy and they were squealing with delight? I can still hear their infectious laughter.

680x450-childhood3What about the late night and early morning snuggles? When I found their perfect tickle spots or blew raspberries on their sweet, soft bellies.

And the nursing? I am fond of the time I spent nursing my babies. Dutifully waking through the night to feed them, or before the dawn when they began to sleep longer.

So no, I will not call it the Dark Ages. That is not the right way to remember this season. I will not add stack upon stack of guilt to weigh down the beauty of my babies’ childhood. Yes, it was hard. Yes, I have cried out of frustration and exhaustion.

But I’ve been a mom, a good mom. With a big heart, and lots of love. For every correction, there has been double the amount of warmth and praise. For every difficult time, there were double the experiences of exploration and wonder.

I will remind myself of the goodness, the sweetness, and the simplest joys. The times where my true self shone through. I will let the sleepless nights and the tantrums slip away. I will engrave the good memories onto my heart to remember for always.

 

How will you look back on this period of motherhood? What will you choose?

Filed Under: Parenting, Personal Tagged With: babies, children, guilt, love, meditation, memories, mindset, motherhood, reflections, toddlers

The Worst Part About Having a Stepmom

October 8, 2016 By Sara M. 5 Comments

450x680-bagpackedMy dad married my stepmom when I was eight. When the officiate asked me if I would welcome her into our family, my mouth said “yes,” while my whole body screamed “no.”

That was before I even had any idea of what it would be like. I just knew that everything that I held dear to me would change. My dad and I were an inseparable pair, and their marriage would separate it. To an eight-year-old, it seemed like the end of the world.

Nothing could have prepared me for the worst part of having a stepmom.

It wasn’t the jealousy, and competition for my dad’s attention.

It wasn’t how frustrated she was with me. How she always walked ahead of me because she was in a hurry and I was slow and day dreamy.

It wasn’t how she didn’t want me in the kitchen while she was cooking because I would just be in the way.

It wasn’t how uncomfortable it was when store clerks would tell me that I looked exactly like her, assuming she was my mother.

It wasn’t how we barely talked or how little we had in common.

It wasn’t being called names or being teased.

It wasn’t how she turned her face away when I tried to kiss her goodnight.

It wasn’t even feeling like a 3rd, 4th, or even 5th wheel when the kids came along.

No, what hurt the most was how much she loved her own children.

I saw how she snuggled them. And smiled at them. And touched them. And crafted handmade toys for them. And knit tiny sweaters with matching booties for them. And sewed amazing miniature Halloween costumes for them as they grew. Art and projects and endless attention. I noticed it all.

450x680-motherson2Boy, did she love them.

Her deep love for them was the mirror that reflected my own empty heart. I couldn’t have described it back then because I didn’t have the words. I only knew how it felt. I was so lonely. I felt invisible, cast off to the side, somewhere in the background. I knew that there was something wrong with me. Clearly I possessed some deep rooted flaw that made me undeserving of love.

I felt unlovable.

Maybe it wasn’t all her fault. Maybe she couldn’t rise above her own painful childhood. Maybe it was magnified by the fact that my mom wasn’t around. That her absence had left its own mark on my heart. And my dad was off to work providing for our family, caught up in a whole new family. Even though I was always right there.

The irony of this life is that I’ve come full circle. Today, I have a stepdaughter, who was the exact same age when I married her father. And the same age when each of our children were born.

This is both a blessing and a curse.

A blessing because I am better equipped to be sensitive to my stepdaughter’s feelings and help her integrate as much as possible into our family. I encourage her to continue her loving relationships with both her mother and her father. I realize that our young children take up a ton of our time and attention, but I make a conscious effort to include her. I talk to her and show an interest in her life. I let her know that I am proud of her and that I love her.

The curse is that mirror that I can’t quite seem to break. I understand now how hard it is to love someone else’s child. I never knew love the way I know it with my own children. But all children deserved to be loved. And, looking back, I can see now how just a little more effort may have helped to ease my pain. I get it, she never could have loved me the way she loved her own babies. But maybe she could have loved me a little.

Filed Under: Parenting, Personal Tagged With: divorce, memories, reflections, stepmom, stepparenting

Follow the Sanity!

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter

Contributor for:

Welcome To The Sanity Plan

Welcome to THE SANITY PLAN! Here you will find my attempts to restore order in my crazy life post kids. I'm just getting started & I have a lot to say. So far I've written a lot about my perspectives on parenting (sorry, it's where I am at), but I'd love it if you followed my journey to improve my habits, get more organized, redefine my career, and generally live a good life. Or, you can follow just for the entertainment, I promise there will be lots of that. Do you want to learn more about building A Sanity Plan?

Follow me on Twitter

My Tweets

What Others Are Reading

  • My High-Risk Pregnancy Scare: Placenta Previa
    My High-Risk Pregnancy Scare: Placenta Previa
  • Why I Became a Snowbird in My 30’s
    Why I Became a Snowbird in My 30’s
  • What Does Sanity Mean to You?
    What Does Sanity Mean to You?
  • 30 Things You Can Do in 10 Minutes or Less
    30 Things You Can Do in 10 Minutes or Less

Looking for something specific?

Subscribe to My Blog

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Categories

  • Finances
  • Organization
  • Parenting
  • Personal
  • Relationships
  • Self Improvement
  • Success Stories
  • Uncategorized
  • Updates
  • Wellbeing
    • Self Discovery
  • Work/Life

Tags

balance basics career change children communication dreams family goals habits health healthy kids letter love marriage meditation mental health mindfulness mindset motherhood parenting pregnancy principles productivity reflections relationships relaxation SAHM sanity plan saving money self-discovery sensory spd stepdaughter stepmom stepparenting stress tantrums teens toddlers WAHM wellbeing work writing

Follow the Sanity on Instagram

Something is wrong.
Instagram token error.

Copyright © 2018 The Sanity Plan· Built on Genesis Framework · by Beyond Blog Design · Log in