love Archives - TheSanityPlan

Dear Mom, Look for Love All Around You

February 13, 2017 By Sara M. 12 Comments

Sometimes the ways that our family shows us love is in the smallest of things, the nuances. These little moments are easily lost between the hustle and the bustle.

Amidst the whirlwind of raising young kids, take a moment today. Take the time to stop, breathe, and look for the love that is already surrounding you. You might be surprised by what you’ll see:

The love is in the flower that your daughter picks just for you.

The love is in the cup of coffee your husband fixes for you because he knows just the way you like it.

The love is in your baby’s arms wrapped tightly around your body; belly to belly, wrapped in your warmth.

The love is in the way your daughter wants to be just like you; her favorites are your favorites.

The love is in how your tired toddler lays his head on your shoulder at the end of the night, instinctively finding the perfect nook for resting.

The love is in how your toddler son looks over his shoulder to see if you are watching him.

The love is in your child choosing you to read them a story at the end of the night.

The love is in your husband jumping in to handle the kids when he sees you’re struggling to get dinner ready.

The love is in his voice when he tells you that you’re beautiful.

The love is in their cry for you when they’ve scraped their knees, and your magic kiss is enough to take the pain away.

The love is in how hard he works to provide for the family you’ve created together.

The love is in how they call for you in the middle of the night when they are scared of a bad dream.

The love is in the way she needs you.

The love is in the way your daughter doesn’t want to share you with anyone else.

The love is in the way their little bodies give in to the heaviness of sleep, trusting in the comfort of your arms.

The love is in the way your toddler pushes away to show his independence but keeps coming back to show you he still needs you.

The love is in how your partner knows you so well and can tell when there is something bothering you.

The love is in your child wanting to share her food with you.

The love is in the picture he takes of you when it seems to you that you aren’t doing anything special at all.

The love is in how he helps pick up the house without complaint.

The love is in how they seek you out first thing in the morning, happy to be awake to see you again.

The love is in how he loves your children.

The love is in the joy that lights up their face when they’ve missed you.

The love is in how he hears your struggles and wants to help you find a solution even if it’s not exactly the one you wanted.

The love is in the way they cry when you lay them down to sleep because being in your arms was pure bliss.

The love is in the way your child says okay and finally does what you’ve told them to do.

The love is in the things they repeat back from lessons you’ve taught them over time.

The love is in how he gives his undivided attention when you have something important you have to say.

The love is in the way a hand slips into yours when you hold your hand out; no words need to be exchanged.

The love is in how you are the most important person to them in the world, and even forever would not be enough time to spend together.

Look beyond the hugs and kisses to find the ways that love is woven into this life you have created.

Do it today as a celebration of love, but it most importantly, look for the love every day.

A Recipe for Making Your Grown Kids Feel Loved During the Holidays

December 12, 2016 By Sara M. 6 Comments

We just got home from the most amazing holiday trip. What really made it stand out in my mind was the stark contrast to the majority of our other family trips. You know, the ones where you come home so depleted that it takes you days to recover: the exhausting travel, the kids being out of sorts, not sleeping well in a strange place/bed, and way too much talking.

This year, our Thanksgiving trip was the exact opposite. I came home feeling more relaxed, uplifted, and loved than before.

And I can promise you it’s not because we shipped the kids off and spent a week in Tahiti. It was just the perfect combination of great family times and love.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what made it so special. Partially just to understand, but also to boil it down so I can remind myself when our grown children come home to visit us. Especially if they have kids of their own.

Here is the recipe I came up with:

2 Loving Grandparents

My husband’s father and stepmother were amazingly gracious hosts. I never felt like myself, my husband, or the kids were a burden to have in their home for several days. I enjoyed every aspect of spending time with them. I loved watching them get down on my kids’ level and truly engage them. It was so natural. And they were so easygoing that if the kids didn’t say or do exactly the right thing, they just patiently corrected them.

Each evening when the kids went to bed,we spent hours having great adult conversations. Since we’ve shifted into the parent role ourselves, we compared notes on kids and child-rearing. We dished about all aspects of life and business. My favorite part was getting to hear more stories about their adventures running an international adoption agency. Filled with the details that they can share with us now that we’re not kids anymore.

It was in sharing the deeper aspects of our lives and personal stories that we all got closer, solidifying our bonds at this new stage.

2 Patient Parents

Being in such a great environment helped us remain calm as parents. It takes a real load off when you know that even if your kids act up, it’s not going to ruffle your parent’s feathers. And when we’re calm, the kids are calm.

And the side benefit for us, with a system that works smoothly, we can take our attention off the kids and enjoy each other as husband and wife.

2 Well-behaved Toddlers

At 2 and 4, the kids’ behavior is typically a crap shoot. But this trip was an exception. The circumstances all blended together perfectly to encourage good behavior. They were polite, saying “please” and “thank you” without prodding. They interacted easily with their grandparents, even enjoying one on one time with them without any coercion.

1 Child Friendly House

Being in a well set up and welcoming home is 1,000 times better than living in a single hotel room with 2 toddlers. Their house was surprisingly childproof – this means nothing breakable from 3 feet down. Seriously, their house was actually better set up for toddlers than our own home.

1 iPad

I know, I know: screen time. But… strategically used for transitions, Netflix on the iPad works like a charm.

Great Food and Lots of Wine

It was just a small bonus that my father and step-mother-in-law have taken professional cooking classes and love to drink good wine.

No Schedule

Having a completely flexible schedule was the best gift. Once Thanksgiving Day was behind us, there were no requirements of doing anything at any particular time. This let us all just take a break from the typical rush-rush-rush of our daily grind, and not running the kids around is always easier on them.

The second piece of this was when we did decide to go out, we did kid friendly things. So often, when we spend time with family that don’t also have young kids, we are expected to make the kids endure activities that aren’t appealing to them (think visiting wineries and shopping malls). Instead, we visited an amazing playground downtown, and walked along a scenic waterside park at the kids’ leisurely pace.

The Secret Sauce

What tied all of the flavors together was the secret sauce. We all love each other because we are family. But getting to know each other at a deeper level allowed us to develop a love based more in friendship and camaraderie than your typical parent-child relationship.

There is something magical about when your parents can appreciate who you’ve become. When they honor your new role as parents and validate your efforts to raise decent human beings. When they look you in the eye, and tell you how proud they are of you. And at once you are both parent and child, strong and soft.

*****

All of these ingredients worked together seamlessly to create the most enjoyable holiday experience. It was refreshing and uplifting enough to easily overcome the exhaustion of traveling more than 10 hours each way in the car with toddlers.

I know that sometimes these ingredients are hard to find, but a couple of strategic tweaks to the recipe might result in a family tradition worth passing down for generations.

How Will You Remember Their Childhood?

November 1, 2016 By Sara M. 27 Comments

“I just don’t want to look back on this time as the Dark Ages,” I tell my good friend’s wife. A large group of my college classmates and our kids were visiting a traveling farm last fall.

She sighed, “You probably will.”

This was the hardest thing for me to hear. My son was 8 months old at the time, and my daughter was 2 ¾. I was flying solo for that trip because my husband was away for business. I was a mess. Overwhelmed and exhausted, barely speaking coherent sentences. Trying to manage a willful toddler and a cranky baby.

Out with my classmates, I could barely even remember us all doing our MBAs. Only 6 years had passed but it felt like an eternity. Motherhood had changed everything.

As my son now approaches 2, and my daughter 4, things are so much better. She has improved both socially and emotionally, and she is much more willing to follow instructions and get along. My son is finally crying less, and trying to communicate his needs with words. We’ve settled into a workable routine.

But those words are still echoing through my mind. In 5 years or 10 years, am I still going to be plagued by the difficulty of these early years with my son? Am I going to feel like it was the worst time of my life? Am I going to carry the weight of this deep guilt for falling apart at such a precious time?

I think I easily could. But I don’t want to. I don’t want the film of negativity to color what I remember about my babies’ youngest years. Yes, I will probably always know that it was hard for both my husband and I, an early babyhood gauntlet.

But there has been so much more that I have to work to bring to mind.

I am reminded when I go through pictures of all the fun times we’ve had together. Going to the zoo and feeding the giraffes. Going to the beach and building sand castles. My husband and I taking them to swim classes together.

Or painting with water colors outside when it was warm.

Or running around in the rain and jumping in puddles.

Or the times I bundled them up to go play outside in the snow, and they had so much fun that they barely felt the cold.

What about reading to them every single night? And how I slowed down to read at their pace, patiently answered questions, and engaged in endless side stories.

What about all of the conversations we’ve had? About silly things and serious things and everything in between. And poop, lots of poop.

What about the times I chased them around the kitchen island until we were all dizzy and they were squealing with delight? I can still hear their infectious laughter.

What about the late night and early morning snuggles? When I found their perfect tickle spots or blew raspberries on their sweet, soft bellies.

And the nursing? I am fond of the time I spent nursing my babies. Dutifully waking through the night to feed them, or before the dawn when they began to sleep longer.

So no, I will not call it the Dark Ages. That is not the right way to remember this season. I will not add stack upon stack of guilt to weigh down the beauty of my babies’ childhood. Yes, it was hard. Yes, I have cried out of frustration and exhaustion.

But I’ve been a mom, a good mom. With a big heart, and lots of love. For every correction, there has been double the amount of warmth and praise. For every difficult time, there were double the experiences of exploration and wonder.

I will remind myself of the goodness, the sweetness, and the simplest joys. The times where my true self shone through. I will let the sleepless nights and the tantrums slip away. I will engrave the good memories onto my heart to remember for always.

How will you look back on this period of motherhood? What will you choose?

Amazing Perspectives on Womanhood I Learned from My Husband

September 27, 2016 By Sara M. 5 Comments

Some of the most beautiful ideas about my womanhood came from an unexpected source: my husband.

Mr. Sanity didn’t have the best life teachers, but for some reason he came up with some incredible ways to look at life all on his own. He’s just “made of the right stuff.” And I’m the lucky girl he chose to share those perspectives with every day.

Now I’ve put my favorite ones together to share with you:

My perspective: Periods are GROSS

His perspective: Your body is doing what it is supposed to do. He will actually get into the whole process of how I’m shedding the lining that would have supported a new life but wasn’t needed this time around. He reminds me of the core purpose of the process, that it is a beautiful thing that only a woman’s body can do.

My perspective: PMS turns me into a crazy person

His perspective: He doesn’t particularly enjoy my increased emotionality and irrationality just before I get my period. However, he has given me the biggest pass of all. What he pointed out was that just because the emotions were heightened in my premenstrual state, doesn’t mean that the underlying issue that was bothering me wasn’t real. And hey, men have fluctuations in moods and emotions as well, the cycles are just shorter (daily).

My perspective: I have WAY too much hair on my body

His perspective: Some hair is sexy. Wait, what? He actually finds the super light peach fuzz on my cheeks/jawline/cleavage/butt to be incredibly sexy. I never would have considered this, and have spent many years like most women, fretting about and removing unwanted hair.

My perspective: My body is too squishy; my thighs are too big

His perspective: (caution: he’s biased) I am the most beautiful woman alive. He thinks my curves are my best feature and women with less meat on their bones look too thin to him. He also helps me put my own body image issues into perspective. I will often point out to him that I’m so much larger than so-and-so and he helps me see reality.

My perspective: I have to get made up to be beautiful

His perspective: I look sexy in anything, including sweatpants. (Although I have yet to test just how far down into disheveled I can go before it’s too far!) I am his wife and he sees my beauty regardless of what I wear. I tend to feel a bit frumpy because I so often don’t wear makeup and other women put a bit more effort into being put together.

He always reminds me that I don’t need makeup to be beautiful.

My perspective: Thongs are sexy (less is more)

His perspective: He actually prefers full coverage underwear. No, not granny panties, but just normal full bottomed undies. He actually finds them sexier, in addition to the fact that he thinks thongs look uncomfortable to wear all wedged up there.

My perspective: My body could use a few upgrades

His perspective: Women look best with their original equipment. He always points out how natural hair color is the best complement to natural skin color. He insists that breast size never mattered to him, and that most men he’s known feel the same way. (So much for that post breast feeding lift I’ve been considering.)

Sorry ladies, you can’t have him. But I hope his perspectives have given you a boost – because you are all wonderful, just the way you are.

The Power of Saying Thank You To My Husband

August 28, 2016 By Sara M. Leave a Comment

Today I told my husband, “Thank you for making my dreams come true.”

And it’s true, because he has given me the opportunity to finally follow my dream of becoming a writer and a creative. He has supported every decision I’ve made to not return to traditional work. He has let me explore every entrepreneurial opportunity without ever demanding my financial contribution. This was the freedom and support I needed in order to allow this fundamental part of me to bloom.

To tell you the truth, it was hard to say. I felt uncomfortable getting the words out and I realize that I am out of practice with talking with my husband in this way. We used to share matters of the heart so much more often before kids.

And the result? He felt validated. He was happy to know that his hard work and daily grind makes a difference for me. That his efforts serve a purpose, and help to make me a happier, better person. Because most of the time, all he ever wants to do is please his lady.

Sanity Plan Lesson: Marriage is a partnership that thrives on open emotional communication. Make a conscious effort to see the things that your partner does for you and express gratitude or praise for them.

Thank You for Loving My Kids

August 22, 2016 By Sara M. Leave a Comment

As I sit here on your very last day with us, I am trying to find the words to describe this sinking feeling in my gut. I am so sad to have you go, and I’ve been mourning this day almost since you got here.

It would be easy to list the “things” you have done for us every day. Playing with the kids, carting them to and fro, feeding them and picking up after them. Believe me, all of those things alone would be reason to miss you.

But what I will miss the most is how you loved them. It was clear to me the first time I saw you play with my son’s hair absentmindedly. I treasure your endless supply of patience, which must truly be a gift to my children when I have clearly run low on it these days. You love them wholeheartedly, despite their challenges and demands and whether they are open to it or not.

By loving our children, you gave me such a gift. I was able to relax when you cared for them, spending time recharging my batteries and working on creative work. It made the transition so much easier for me, that the kids willingly waved goodbye to me in order to go and have fun with you. Your willingness to wait for my daughter to come to you on her own terms is the most special gift of all, and demonstrates a skill not found in most people your age.

I had no idea that our summer would go this way. Your limited experience with kids was no problem, you jumped right in and watched and listened and learned. And I have learned from you as well, that all of our hard work means something. That other people see us as doing a great job even though it’s hard to see for ourselves. That our kids are turning out just fine.

Thank you for spending the summer with us. Thank you for opening your heart and becoming a part of our family. Thank you for loving us.

You will be missed.