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The Best Birthday Present

April 4, 2017 By Sara M. 11 Comments

10 minutes before I needed to leave for a doctor’s appointment, the tantrum began. It escalated by the minute, exacerbated by the fact that I was preparing to leave. My 4-year-old daughter chased me around the house, voice shrill with anger and desperation, her babysitter standing helplessly behind her. Not that I blamed the sitter, it’s taken us years to figure out how to calm her down. But I just didn’t have enough time.

little girl tantrumAs much as it tore at my heartstrings to leave before she was resolved, I felt comfortable that my husband could handle her. I steeled myself against her screaming “You aren’t allowed to leave!” and “You’re not listening to me!”

I walked out the door, got in the car, and barely made it to my appointment.

Of course, I was worried most of the time I was gone but I tried to put it out of my mind.

As it turns out, I had no reason to be worried at all. When I arrived home, the kids were already at the playground with the sitter. My husband gave me the full run down.

He had sat with her and patiently worked through each issue that she was upset about. He rubbed her back while she vented that I wasn’t listening to her. He explained that if I was late for my appointment, the doctor wouldn’t be able to see me. She told him that I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere by myself – EVER. He asked her why. She told him that she didn’t want to share me with anyone, especially her brother. (This actually gave us huge insight into how she has been feeling and acting towards her brother recently.) He told her that it was okay to feel that way and that we all share each other as part of being a family. He reminded her about how he goes away for business trips and we miss him but he comes back. He explained that I would be gone for such a short time, just the length of two Sponge Bob episodes. She finally calmed down and got dressed to go to the playground.

Hearing all of this overwhelmed me with gratitude. It is so easy to get frustrated with our partners when we are in the trenches, but when my husband takes the opportunity to patiently work our little girl through her real feelings, all my frustrations feel so insignificant. I am so appreciative for the man that he is. Strong and kind, emotionally intelligent and loving.

I am grateful that he took the time when he was supposed to be working to talk about the hard stuff with her. To really find out what was brewing beneath the surface that caused her to explode. Children cannot do this for themselves. They need us as their parents and caregivers to help them identify the thoughts and feelings that are causing them discomfort.

When he was done filling me in, I brought up plans for my birthday dinner later than evening and a wash of embarrassment covered his face. He came over to me, took me in his arms and wished me a happy birthday. He’d wanted to catch me the night before, but we had gone to bed before midnight. And our crazy morning had thrown everything off.

I squeezed him gently, put my head on his shoulder, and whispered as tears filled my eyes, “What you did for our daughter means more to me than my birthday.”

Because it’s true. Just knowing that I could leave the house in the middle of a tantrum is the best gift in the world. Knowing that my husband could expertly handle our daughter at her roughest is a mother’s dream come true.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: birthday, dad, daughter, emotions, father, tantrums

5 Things I Did Not Know About My Firstborn

December 26, 2016 By Sara M. 17 Comments

First time parenting is rough. It’s one of those things in life that even preparation leaves you unprepared. I studied early child development during my Psychology degree. I read tons of books while pregnant. I drew on my experiences from taking care of my younger siblings as a teen. I talked to everyone I knew about parenting strategies.

Despite all of this, what I learned about my daughter, my firstborn, was mostly in retrospect after my second arrived.

How “Little” She Really Was

This may sound intuitive to some people, but I continually expected my daughter to be so much more capable than she actually was. I pushed her very hard to be able to sit quietly, entertain herself, play well with other children, and get quickly over disappointments and tantrums.

But now, watching my 22-month-old son, I am struck by how little she really was at this age. Now I “get it” and I am gentler with him (and her) because of it. I better understand how much time it takes to learn to communicate or develop emotional control.

I think part of what made it so hard for us to see was that she was so advanced. She ate with utensils at 10 months old. She spoke in full sentences at 18 months. She could entertain herself for an hour or sometimes more. She appeared so much more mature than she actually was.

How Much She Was Capable of Doing for Herself

I had super high expectations for her on some things, but I also had very low expectations in other ways.

It wasn’t until I enrolled my son in day care at 1 year that I realized how much babies could do for themselves. Their goals for that age were self-feeding and self-care. They were consciously teaching this age group things I was still doing for my daughter at 3.

I had just done so many things for her, instead of taking the time to empower her to do them for herself. I picked out her clothes, dressed her, washed her hands for her, even fed her if it was too messy.

So now, with two little ones, it is a lot easier to encourage him to try more things for himself. And I get a lot more resistance from her because I have helped her for so long. She sees my reluctance to help her with those things as me pushing her away.

How Much She Was Not “Boyish”

At the risk of sparking the gender debate, please remember this is just an account of our experience.

My husband and I watched her approach to life and would often comment that she was more like a boy than a girl. She was aggressive and rough, preferring blocks and cars to dolls and stuffed animals. She wanted to run around, jump around, and be thrown up in the air.

At 1, we noticed she was incredibly mechanically minded, driven to figure out how things worked. She was fascinated by buckles and latches, manipulating any she could get her hands on.

When our boy arrived, it become obvious how wrong we were. The elements of her that had seemed to be “boy-like,” now proved characteristics of her unique personality as opposed to being gender related.

Our son does not ever stop moving. She can sit still for long periods of time exploring a book or a puzzle. Our son is rough and tumble in a different way, often getting hurt without even noticing.  Our son climbs everything, whereas it never occurred to our daughter to try some of the things he’s climbed until she saw him do it.

How Kids Are So Different

So often we watch our son do something that instantly reminds us when our daughter did the exact same thing. Their mannerisms are so similar it is eerily reminiscent of déjà vu. And yet, what I’ve really learned is that they can also be so different, despite being so alike.

Our little man is sweet and sensitive, craving physical closeness. She’s much more independent, preferring physical contact on her own terms. She plays imaginatively, while he is very physical: throwing balls, pushing cars, running, and jumping. She loves to communicate; he is not determined to do so. He tends to get frustrated and gives up easily, she will persevere until she solves it.

How Siblings Aren’t Necessarily Good for Each Other

This one was a huge hurt for me. I knew from my husband’s experience that sibling relationships aren’t always easy. However, nothing could have prepared me for what happened.

She was two when he was born. Our son was a difficult baby, who commanded an extraordinary amount of time and attention. She had been very attached to me up until that time, barely allowing anyone else to do anything for her, even my husband.

His arrival broke our bond in a very intense way. Despite our goal of encouraging additional connections in her life, I wish it had not happened in such a drastic manner. Looking back, I don’t think there was much more that we could have done to ease her transition, short of postponing having another baby.

It took her more than a year to even out, get more settled into her new role. We are heartened by the beginning of a relationship between them now that he is almost 2.

*****

These are not things you can learn from a book or a more experienced parent. You have to live them and breathe them, and let the experiences change you. I have regrets, but I can’t change the past. I can learn from these insights, applying them to each new stage as we all grow together.

Filed Under: Parenting, Personal Tagged With: daughter, kids, parenting, reflections, siblings, son

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Welcome to THE SANITY PLAN! Here you will find my attempts to restore order in my crazy life post kids. I'm just getting started & I have a lot to say. So far I've written a lot about my perspectives on parenting (sorry, it's where I am at), but I'd love it if you followed my journey to improve my habits, get more organized, redefine my career, and generally live a good life. Or, you can follow just for the entertainment, I promise there will be lots of that. Do you want to learn more about building A Sanity Plan?

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