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How Working Moms Can “Drop the Ball” – A Book Review

July 25, 2017 By Sara M. 15 Comments

taking notesI picked up Tiffany Dufu’s book “Drop the Ball” on a whim during my last trip to the library. With an endorsement on the front from Sheryl Sandberg and a foreword penned by Gloria Steinem, I figured this book was worth a read. And I am very glad I took the chance. This is the first book I’ve read in quite some time where I felt like I was learning something new on every page and it even inspired me to write pages of notes and reactions (like I was back in school all over again!).

Dufu utilizes her extensive background in the field of advancement for women, detailed scientific research, as well as her own personal experiences to send the message that working mothers can indeed learn to stop trying to do it all.

The Why

Drop the Ball seeks to address the following questions:

Why do working moms stall out when they reach middle management instead of joining the ranks of leadership in equal ratios to men?

Why are these women burning out, experiencing increased rates of crippling stress and depression?

According to Dufu, both questions point to the same answer. Women with families are taking on too much. Gender stereotyping to “own” the household, regardless of having a career, forces women to essentially work two full time jobs.

The Solution

drop the ball“Drop the Ball” is filled with practical advice on how to go about obtaining better balance between career and home life. I love how Dufu addresses the problem here, instead of blaming society or men for this problem, she focuses on how women need to be assertive to push back against these gender norms.

So, how can we learn to drop the ball?

  • Evaluate what is important to you and then decide if you are best utilizing your time and talents to meet those goals
  • Analyze the tasks needed to run your household (Dufu uses an excel spreadsheet) and work to balance them in a more equitable way, keeping in mind that some tasks can be dropped completely (if they don’t meet goals in first bullet)
  • Let go of tasks assigned to other people and you may be surprised at the result (Dufu calls this Home Control Disease or HCD and as long as we hold onto this habit, we will never be free to pursue more important things)

The Hidden Gems

The further I got into the book, the more impressed I became with how Dufu thinks. I want to highlight a couple of gems that I really appreciated in her work.

  • Do not take for granted the work our husbands already do to help support our households – Dufu shares an experience similar to my own when she sits down with her husband to list out all of the household tasks and is surprised by the things she was unaware that her husband handled. I imagine this is a common experience for women and enforces the need for this exercise to be done with an open mind (instead of accusations and anger).
  • Just because men do it differently than we would… doesn’t make it wrong. This is so important in terms of us learning how to let go of tasks. Dufu refers to detailed lists she left for her husband, expecting him to manage the kids exactly in the way that she would. I actually went through a similar mindset with my husband prior to having kids, when we worked together for his business. It was an eye opening experience for me to learn that my way of doing things was not the only way to get it done (and not even the optimal method at times!).
  • Men are suffering from gender stereotypes when it comes to family life as well. Dufu uses a personal example of being outraged that her husband was telling prospective employers that his wife was nagging him to spend more time at home. When she approached him, she learned that he was scared to be ridiculed (and not hired) if he truthfully explained his own commitment to his family. It was much more culturally acceptable for the wife to be forcing this change that for it to come from an internal desire. This experience highlights how we need to buck the trends that are not supportive of men being just as involved in family life and household management. One solution Dufu brings to light here is that companies can incorporate leave and flexible work policies for both men and women and adapt a culture that allows men to take advantages of such programs without stigma or penalty.

Overall, an enlightening read on a timely topic dear to many a working mother’s heart. I highly recommend “Drop the Ball” for all women who seek to find balance in their domestic lives, carving a more equitable future for generations to come.

TheSanityPlan is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. All products recommended are used personally by us and opinions about them are our own.

Filed Under: Parenting, Wellbeing, Work/Life Tagged With: balance, communication, goals, marriage, motherhood, productivity, work

The Sanity Plan Principles Part 4– Forge Close Relationships

December 9, 2016 By Sara M. 2 Comments

Welcome to part four of The Sanity Plan Principles series. The fourth principle is:

closerelationships

 Why do we need to “Forge Close Relationships?”

I bet you could instantly think of several reasons why you need close relationships. Relationships are a key component of our humanity. We live and thrive in an interconnected world.

But just knowing a ton of people is not enough. When you take a relationship deeper than just a casual acquaintance you can get so much more out of it.

Close relationships offer a sense of community. We become aware of the fact that we are not alone in this journey. We become tuned in to the needs of others outside of our immediate circles.

When you work to develop these relational bonds, you have someone to fall back on when you really need it the most. I’ve noticed that people are more likely to help one another when a connection has been established.


How do we “Forge Close Relationships?”

680x450-friends2Note my use of the action word “forge.” I carefully chose this word because I want to emphasize the fact that it is our job to take action to create deeper relationships. They do not always happen naturally or without effort.

There are lots of ways to strengthen your relationships.

You can do this by sharing more intimately with the person. Instead of talking about a subject at the surface, dig a little deeper, express how you think or feel about the subject.

You can do this by sharing how you feel about the person directly. Do you tell them that you love them? Are you physically affectionate? And I am not just speaking about romantic relationships, although this applies in that case as well.

Can you deepen the relationship by helping the other person? An offer to help with your time or expertise can be a great relationship builder. This can be especially when it comes to business networking.

Beware of the Social Media Trap

It is really easy to fall into the trap of corresponding with family, friends, and work acquaintances primarily via social media. Even the use of digital communications such as text or email can be a barrier to closeness and understanding.

680x450-friendsHave you ever gotten a message from someone that just came out wrong? No matter how you looked at it or tried to consider their point of view, it just came across as rude or distant.

This is because digital communications are missing some of the fundamental aspects of human interaction: facial expressions, body language, affect, tone, etc.

My experience

I know that I need close relationships in my life. When I begin to keep too many of my thoughts and emotions to myself, I default to feeling very alone.

I am extremely fortunate to have found a husband who I can share intimately with. This relationship is the backbone of my life. I also use emotional language with my children, parents, and siblings.

Outside of family, I’ve had a lot harder of a time developing friendships. I moved a lot throughout my life and haven’t had particularly longstanding friendships due to that. I like to have only a few really good friends at a time because I put a lot of energy into my relationships.

With my existing friends, I try to call them regularly (see social media above) and I like to get together with them as much as we can. I also know that I prefer to meet one on one with a friend, or even as two couples. Any more than that tends to overwhelm me.

I’ve made a bunch of new friends recently. I picked a couple of local women in a similar life stage to mine (with young kids) and really worked to get close with them. I am persistent in making plans to do play dates, balancing between being the host and the hosted (I like to be as fair as possible in sharing the burden). And when we do get together, I am honest and real, which often solicits a similar level of sharing in return. And as a result, I’ve been feeling a lot more connected to other people in my life.

Do you feel close to your family and friends right now? Are there any relationships that you would like to improve?

Next principle: Be Solution Oriented

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Filed Under: Relationships, Wellbeing Tagged With: basics, communication, mindset, relationships, sanity plan

How to Keep Long Distance Family Involved in Your Kids’ Lives

December 6, 2016 By Sara M. 15 Comments

As we become more and more of a global society, families will continue to be scattered across the world. My children’s grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins live in 6 different states. And beyond that, many of our relatives live in different countries.
This changes the dynamic quite a bit when you are raising a family and still want to keep everyone involved in your children’s lives.

Here is how we’ve been doing it:

  1. Staying ConnectedUse a video conferencing application

Currently, we use Facetime because it’s so easy to do straight on your phone and most of our family members have iPhones. For those that don’t, we use Skype, which is also great for connecting via video.

It is so helpful for our kids to be able to see who they are talking with on video, instead of just a phone call with audio. This way they can easily connect the voice with the face. And it’s always fun for them to get to see what is going on at the other person’s house, interact with pets, etc.

  1.  Send out regular updates

Since the kids were born, I have sent out an email update about their progress. Typical things I include are height, weight, firsts (first time doing something), favorites (food, toys, books, shows), new words & sayings, motor skills, communication skills, comprehension skills, play skills, and cute stories.

I do this with email, but there are so many ways to do it now. On Facebook, you could create a family and friends distribution list or even create a completely separate family and friends group.

  1. Make sharable gift lists

When people aren’t able to interact with your kids every day, it is often hard for them to know what to buy for your kids. We always get asked what do the kids need and want, and it’s hard to parse out ideas and remember who is taking care of what.

We solve this by using Amazon’s wish list feature. This is a great free service where you can specifically list all of the items you want for your kids. There is even a desktop widget you can download that allows non-Amazon items to be added. Two huge pluses for this service are that when items are purchased they are hidden from the list (avoiding duplication of gifts) and the purchaser has the option to send the items directly to the preloaded address (very similar to their baby registry, which I also loved).

Shop Amazon’s Holiday Toy List – Top 100

  1. Use video sharing platforms

I use video sharing if I want to convey something more than a picture. Due to the size of videos it can be harder to share via email or text, so I typically upload videos to my private Youtube channel. If you do this with videos of your children, you definitely want to explore the different privacy settings. I have mine set to unlisted so that random people won’t find my videos in search, you can only access with a direct link.

I typically include a video with my updates (see above), but I also like to share videos of my children opening their gifts, or any special events that family member couldn’t attend.

*****

There are lots of different ways to engage with family even if they live far away. It definitely takes extra work to manage these additional communications, but I love seeing my children being able to connect with people that are important to us.

How do you connect with your long-distance family? Do you use any other applications to stay connected?

 

TheSanityPlan is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. All products recommended are used personally by us and opinions about them are our own.

Filed Under: Parenting, Relationships Tagged With: Amazon, cell phone, communication, Facebook, Facetime, family, gifts, kids, relationship

The Power of Saying Thank You To My Husband

August 28, 2016 By Sara M. Leave a Comment

680x450-couple-holding-hands

Today I told my husband, “Thank you for making my dreams come true.”

And it’s true, because he has given me the opportunity to finally follow my dream of becoming a writer and a creative. He has supported every decision I’ve made to not return to traditional work. He has let me explore every entrepreneurial opportunity without ever demanding my financial contribution. This was the freedom and support I needed in order to allow this fundamental part of me to bloom.

To tell you the truth, it was hard to say. I felt uncomfortable getting the words out and I realize that I am out of practice with talking with my husband in this way. We used to share matters of the heart so much more often before kids.

And the result? He felt validated. He was happy to know that his hard work and daily grind makes a difference for me. That his efforts serve a purpose, and help to make me a happier, better person. Because most of the time, all he ever wants to do is please his lady.

Sanity Plan Lesson: Marriage is a partnership that thrives on open emotional communication. Make a conscious effort to see the things that your partner does for you and express gratitude or praise for them.

Filed Under: Relationships, Wellbeing Tagged With: communication, dreams, love, marriage, thank you

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Welcome to THE SANITY PLAN! Here you will find my attempts to restore order in my crazy life post kids. I'm just getting started & I have a lot to say. So far I've written a lot about my perspectives on parenting (sorry, it's where I am at), but I'd love it if you followed my journey to improve my habits, get more organized, redefine my career, and generally live a good life. Or, you can follow just for the entertainment, I promise there will be lots of that. Do you want to learn more about building A Sanity Plan?

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