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How Working Moms Can “Drop the Ball” – A Book Review

July 25, 2017 By Sara M. 15 Comments

I picked up Tiffany Dufu’s book “Drop the Ball” on a whim during my last trip to the library. With an endorsement on the front from Sheryl Sandberg and a foreword penned by Gloria Steinem, I figured this book was worth a read. And I am very glad I took the chance. This is the first book I’ve read in quite some time where I felt like I was learning something new on every page and it even inspired me to write pages of notes and reactions (like I was back in school all over again!).

Dufu utilizes her extensive background in the field of advancement for women, detailed scientific research, as well as her own personal experiences to send the message that working mothers can indeed learn to stop trying to do it all.

The Why

Drop the Ball seeks to address the following questions:

Why do working moms stall out when they reach middle management instead of joining the ranks of leadership in equal ratios to men?

Why are these women burning out, experiencing increased rates of crippling stress and depression?

According to Dufu, both questions point to the same answer. Women with families are taking on too much. Gender stereotyping to “own” the household, regardless of having a career, forces women to essentially work two full time jobs.

The Solution

“Drop the Ball” is filled with practical advice on how to go about obtaining better balance between career and home life. I love how Dufu addresses the problem here, instead of blaming society or men for this problem, she focuses on how women need to be assertive to push back against these gender norms.

So, how can we learn to drop the ball?

Evaluate what is important to you and then decide if you are best utilizing your time and talents to meet those goals
Analyze the tasks needed to run your household (Dufu uses an excel spreadsheet) and work to balance them in a more equitable way, keeping in mind that some tasks can be dropped completely (if they don’t meet goals in first bullet)
Let go of tasks assigned to other people and you may be surprised at the result (Dufu calls this Home Control Disease or HCD and as long as we hold onto this habit, we will never be free to pursue more important things)

The Hidden Gems

The further I got into the book, the more impressed I became with how Dufu thinks. I want to highlight a couple of gems that I really appreciated in her work.

Do not take for granted the work our husbands already do to help support our households – Dufu shares an experience similar to my own when she sits down with her husband to list out all of the household tasks and is surprised by the things she was unaware that her husband handled. I imagine this is a common experience for women and enforces the need for this exercise to be done with an open mind (instead of accusations and anger).
Just because men do it differently than we would… doesn’t make it wrong. This is so important in terms of us learning how to let go of tasks. Dufu refers to detailed lists she left for her husband, expecting him to manage the kids exactly in the way that she would. I actually went through a similar mindset with my husband prior to having kids, when we worked together for his business. It was an eye opening experience for me to learn that my way of doing things was not the only way to get it done (and not even the optimal method at times!).
Men are suffering from gender stereotypes when it comes to family life as well. Dufu uses a personal example of being outraged that her husband was telling prospective employers that his wife was nagging him to spend more time at home. When she approached him, she learned that he was scared to be ridiculed (and not hired) if he truthfully explained his own commitment to his family. It was much more culturally acceptable for the wife to be forcing this change that for it to come from an internal desire. This experience highlights how we need to buck the trends that are not supportive of men being just as involved in family life and household management. One solution Dufu brings to light here is that companies can incorporate leave and flexible work policies for both men and women and adapt a culture that allows men to take advantages of such programs without stigma or penalty.

Overall, an enlightening read on a timely topic dear to many a working mother’s heart. I highly recommend “Drop the Ball” for all women who seek to find balance in their domestic lives, carving a more equitable future for generations to come.

TheSanityPlan is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. All products recommended are used personally by us and opinions about them are our own.

Why I’m Quitting My Job as My Family’s Therapist

December 24, 2016 By Sara M. 2 Comments

My resignation has been a long time coming. I know it will be easy to forget and fall back into my old role, but I just can’t do it anymore. It’s not my job, and it never has been. I need to get healthy, and stay healthy for the family that I am raising now.

I have so many reasons, more than anyone would have the patience to read. But, here are the most important ones:

Their Secrets Become My Burdens

I can no longer bear the weight of my family’s secrets. While I honor the fact that I was chosen to be the sole bearer of such intimacies, their secrets have become my painful burdens. As the receiver of a secret, I am not able to do anything with it except keep it. I am stuck, holding it at arm’s length, hoping to be able to keep it far away from my heart and my everyday thoughts.

It Complicates Boundaries

When I try to solve my families’ problems, I put myself in a precarious position. First of all, it encourages too much and inappropriate information to be shared. Secondly, it shifts my role away from being a daughter or a sibling, into a more peer-like or therapist-like role. Sometimes I’ve been successful at separating those roles in the moment, but what is shared typically comes back to haunt me afterwards. I often wish I could “unlearn” certain details about the person or even about my own history that I just didn’t need to know.

It Fosters Selfishness

Don’t get me wrong, I signed up for this role in the first place (or maybe I was brought up to take this role?). I’ve been doing it as long as I can remember. But acting like the family therapist puts me in a position where I am always the helper and the other person is the helped. Which leads to a very one directional relationship, a selfish relationship. I need more than that from a family bond: a two-way relationship of mutual sharing, respectful boundaries, and support.

I’m Caught in the Middle

Being in this position often puts me in the middle between people that I love. This can be by secretly knowing the truth about how the parties really feel about one another. Or, by having to play the neutral party during a public disagreement. I am often stuck trying to deflect ploys to choose a side when I don’t really want to be a participant in the first place.

It Facilitates Gossip

My family loves to gossip. And honestly, I’ve enjoyed being in a position of knowing where most people stand. The problem is that I am becoming aware that if gossip is shared with me, it is also being shared with other members as well. And, of course, this undermines the ability to truly trust each other.

It’s Not Helpful

I can listen and I can give advice if the person is open to it. But other than that, I am not really in a position to help any member of my family change. Even if I were to be brutally honest with them about their behavior, it would most likely be taken as hurtful as opposed to helpful. Plus, I have enough on my own plate as I try to bring up my own children in a productive and healthy way.

It Gets in the Way of Our Relationships

Sometimes I just want to be a daughter or a sister. I don’t want to have to hear about all of the details all the time. It’s one thing to give a little advice here or there, or lend an ear when someone is going through a particularly hard time. But, when it comes to getting through a major mental breakdown or crisis, there are professional people who can help.

*****

I am prepared to be more mindful in my interactions with my family going forward. I know it will take considerable awareness to recognize it happening in the moment and to try to change our style of interaction. I am finally ready to take a stand, teaching each person what kind of sharing I will tolerate. I will redefine my role with purpose, enforcing boundaries that are more appropriate for parent-child or sibling relationships.

What is your role within your family? Does it feel good to you? What would you change about your relationships?

The Sanity Plan Principles Part 4– Forge Close Relationships

December 9, 2016 By Sara M. 2 Comments

Welcome to part four of The Sanity Plan Principles series. The fourth principle is:

Why do we need to “Forge Close Relationships?”

I bet you could instantly think of several reasons why you need close relationships. Relationships are a key component of our humanity. We live and thrive in an interconnected world.

But just knowing a ton of people is not enough. When you take a relationship deeper than just a casual acquaintance you can get so much more out of it.

Close relationships offer a sense of community. We become aware of the fact that we are not alone in this journey. We become tuned in to the needs of others outside of our immediate circles.

When you work to develop these relational bonds, you have someone to fall back on when you really need it the most. I’ve noticed that people are more likely to help one another when a connection has been established.

How do we “Forge Close Relationships?”

Note my use of the action word “forge.” I carefully chose this word because I want to emphasize the fact that it is our job to take action to create deeper relationships. They do not always happen naturally or without effort.

There are lots of ways to strengthen your relationships.

You can do this by sharing more intimately with the person. Instead of talking about a subject at the surface, dig a little deeper, express how you think or feel about the subject.

You can do this by sharing how you feel about the person directly. Do you tell them that you love them? Are you physically affectionate? And I am not just speaking about romantic relationships, although this applies in that case as well.

Can you deepen the relationship by helping the other person? An offer to help with your time or expertise can be a great relationship builder. This can be especially when it comes to business networking.

Beware of the Social Media Trap

It is really easy to fall into the trap of corresponding with family, friends, and work acquaintances primarily via social media. Even the use of digital communications such as text or email can be a barrier to closeness and understanding.

Have you ever gotten a message from someone that just came out wrong? No matter how you looked at it or tried to consider their point of view, it just came across as rude or distant.

This is because digital communications are missing some of the fundamental aspects of human interaction: facial expressions, body language, affect, tone, etc.

My experience

I know that I need close relationships in my life. When I begin to keep too many of my thoughts and emotions to myself, I default to feeling very alone.

I am extremely fortunate to have found a husband who I can share intimately with. This relationship is the backbone of my life. I also use emotional language with my children, parents, and siblings.

Outside of family, I’ve had a lot harder of a time developing friendships. I moved a lot throughout my life and haven’t had particularly longstanding friendships due to that. I like to have only a few really good friends at a time because I put a lot of energy into my relationships.

With my existing friends, I try to call them regularly (see social media above) and I like to get together with them as much as we can. I also know that I prefer to meet one on one with a friend, or even as two couples. Any more than that tends to overwhelm me.

I’ve made a bunch of new friends recently. I picked a couple of local women in a similar life stage to mine (with young kids) and really worked to get close with them. I am persistent in making plans to do play dates, balancing between being the host and the hosted (I like to be as fair as possible in sharing the burden). And when we do get together, I am honest and real, which often solicits a similar level of sharing in return. And as a result, I’ve been feeling a lot more connected to other people in my life.

Do you feel close to your family and friends right now? Are there any relationships that you would like to improve?

Next principle: Be Solution Oriented

How to Keep Long Distance Family Involved in Your Kids’ Lives

December 6, 2016 By Sara M. 15 Comments

As we become more and more of a global society, families will continue to be scattered across the world. My children’s grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins live in 6 different states. And beyond that, many of our relatives live in different countries.
This changes the dynamic quite a bit when you are raising a family and still want to keep everyone involved in your children’s lives.

Here is how we’ve been doing it:

Use a video conferencing application

Currently, we use Facetime because it’s so easy to do straight on your phone and most of our family members have iPhones. For those that don’t, we use Skype, which is also great for connecting via video.

It is so helpful for our kids to be able to see who they are talking with on video, instead of just a phone call with audio. This way they can easily connect the voice with the face. And it’s always fun for them to get to see what is going on at the other person’s house, interact with pets, etc.

Send out regular updates

Since the kids were born, I have sent out an email update about their progress. Typical things I include are height, weight, firsts (first time doing something), favorites (food, toys, books, shows), new words & sayings, motor skills, communication skills, comprehension skills, play skills, and cute stories.

I do this with email, but there are so many ways to do it now. On Facebook, you could create a family and friends distribution list or even create a completely separate family and friends group.

Make sharable gift lists

When people aren’t able to interact with your kids every day, it is often hard for them to know what to buy for your kids. We always get asked what do the kids need and want, and it’s hard to parse out ideas and remember who is taking care of what.

We solve this by using Amazon’s wish list feature. This is a great free service where you can specifically list all of the items you want for your kids. There is even a desktop widget you can download that allows non-Amazon items to be added. Two huge pluses for this service are that when items are purchased they are hidden from the list (avoiding duplication of gifts) and the purchaser has the option to send the items directly to the preloaded address (very similar to their baby registry, which I also loved).

Shop Amazon’s Holiday Toy List – Top 100

Use video sharing platforms

I use video sharing if I want to convey something more than a picture. Due to the size of videos it can be harder to share via email or text, so I typically upload videos to my private Youtube channel. If you do this with videos of your children, you definitely want to explore the different privacy settings. I have mine set to unlisted so that random people won’t find my videos in search, you can only access with a direct link.

I typically include a video with my updates (see above), but I also like to share videos of my children opening their gifts, or any special events that family member couldn’t attend.

*****

There are lots of different ways to engage with family even if they live far away. It definitely takes extra work to manage these additional communications, but I love seeing my children being able to connect with people that are important to us.

How do you connect with your long-distance family? Do you use any other applications to stay connected?

10 Ways Our Family Is More “Broken” Than “Blended”

November 3, 2016 By Sara M. Leave a Comment

Our society is so politically correct these days. But what if our insistence on using “positive” words actually detracts from the truth? What are we covering when we insist that our families are blended, instead of broken?

For me, I’d much rather err on the side of reality, even if that means being “negative.” This way truth prevails, and we can address the real problems and how it really feels instead of dressing it up with a pretty label.

And right now, our family is more broken than blended:

We have kids with more than a decade age gap. Having such a wide divide between kids often pulls our family in two different directions. This means having to split up in order to do certain things, which often highlights that we are two different families mixed into one.
We can’t all be together on holidays. We have to share my stepdaughter with her mother. We gladly do it (and sometimes it’s a nice break), but it’s hard to avoid the feeling that someone is missing from our family when she is not there. Especially so for her father.
My husband and I have different ideas about how to parent his daughter. This is a huge source of friction. Our parenting styles are different with our own children as well, but there is an added layer of tension when it comes to my ideas about how to parent his child.
It’s a scheduling nightmare. In some ways, it might be easier if her mom lived down the street. Coordinating schedules is very difficult, and we often have to sacrifice our own plans to accommodate her mother’s needs. Pickup and drop-off schedules often feel like a patchwork quilt.
We have competing styles and belief systems. Taking on a child who has been primarily raised in a different family is quite difficult. While there is no “right” way to do things, there are so many differences in style. For us, there has been a ton of retraining required in order to get on a more similar page.
There’s unwanted influence. When you are forced to be connected with someone whose ideas you don’t really approve of, it feels as though someone is contaminating your castle. Those ideas come though directly from that person, or seep in through their influence over their child, and ultimately get brought into your house, affecting you and your children.
We have to get used to each other’s personalities. The dynamic in a house changes with each child, but that is a natural progression. Adding in a new “grown” child means going through an acceptance process of each person’s personality. I’ve had to get used to her and she’s had to get used to me.
You don’t have the same opportunity to grow up with your child. When you have a child only intermittently, you don’t get the opportunity to work through each phase in real time. Being handed a teenage child, even your own, takes an adjustment for everyone involved.
It confuses the little ones. While the two-year-old hasn’t really figured it out yet, his sister at almost 4 is confused about why her older sister has a different mother and different grandparents. She wonders why her big sister is not around when she’s gone.
We are “married” to another person that we sometimes don’t really like. We are polite and respectful because that keeps the relationship workable on the surface. But the truth is that we are forced to endure the consequences of her mother’s actions whether we like it or not.

I am not ashamed of our “broken” family. This is our life. Our choices have led us here, and we work every day to improve our relationships. We came into this with our eyes wide open. But denying the downside, the truth, would only cause to break us further apart. It is in accepting these struggles and working through each one, that strengthens our bonds and commitment to our family.

The Power of Saying Thank You To My Husband

August 28, 2016 By Sara M. Leave a Comment

Today I told my husband, “Thank you for making my dreams come true.”

And it’s true, because he has given me the opportunity to finally follow my dream of becoming a writer and a creative. He has supported every decision I’ve made to not return to traditional work. He has let me explore every entrepreneurial opportunity without ever demanding my financial contribution. This was the freedom and support I needed in order to allow this fundamental part of me to bloom.

To tell you the truth, it was hard to say. I felt uncomfortable getting the words out and I realize that I am out of practice with talking with my husband in this way. We used to share matters of the heart so much more often before kids.

And the result? He felt validated. He was happy to know that his hard work and daily grind makes a difference for me. That his efforts serve a purpose, and help to make me a happier, better person. Because most of the time, all he ever wants to do is please his lady.

Sanity Plan Lesson: Marriage is a partnership that thrives on open emotional communication. Make a conscious effort to see the things that your partner does for you and express gratitude or praise for them.

How Working Moms Can “Drop the Ball” – A Book Review

The Why

The Solution

The Hidden Gems

Why I’m Quitting My Job as My Family’s Therapist

Their Secrets Become My Burdens

It Complicates Boundaries

It Fosters Selfishness

I’m Caught in the Middle

It Facilitates Gossip

It’s Not Helpful

It Gets in the Way of Our Relationships

The Sanity Plan Principles Part 4– Forge Close Relationships

How to Keep Long Distance Family Involved in Your Kids’ Lives

10 Ways Our Family Is More “Broken” Than “Blended”

The Power of Saying Thank You To My Husband

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The Why

The Solution

The Hidden Gems

Their Secrets Become My Burdens

It Complicates Boundaries

It Fosters Selfishness

I’m Caught in the Middle

It Facilitates Gossip

It’s Not Helpful

It Gets in the Way of Our Relationships

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