When a Big Change Fills Your Heart with Dread

My husband wants to move. Well, actually we both *want* to move but the whole prospect is a bit terrifying for me.

There are so many good reasons for us to move. We are literally looking at only moving one town over to a neighborhood with a superior school district. We would be able to save money by taking our teen out of private school, and the youngest kids will be on a public-school tract for their full K-12 educations. We’ll be able to find a property that better suits our needs: a house with a layout that has more dedicated functional space. Right now, we have two useless rooms with no doors and a basement below grade that no one likes to go in unless we are watching a movie.

So, there are many good reasons for us to make this change. Yet, I am dreading the idea of actually picking up and doing it.

My husband is so excited. He is usually the first to jump on board with any changes. He loves to get up and go, without a second look back (and I’m not just referring to moving). But now, I’ve gotten to the point that every time he even brings up this subject, my heart sinks. It reached a peak over the weekend when he picked out several properties online and asked me twice to come and take a look at them. Each time I came up with excuses for why I didn’t have time to look at the houses. Because I feel like I just can’t go there right now.

I feel so overwhelmed by the thought of moving. The incredibly long process of house hunting is quite painful for someone like me who hates making decisions. Then, there is the grueling process of obtaining a mortgage, with endless documents to obtain and financial decisions to make. Everything about moving is decision overload.

But the worst part by far, is the idea of packing, moving, unpacking, and setting up a brand-new home. I am completely stalled with fear when I think of all of the work it will take to move everything we own. There are things I haven’t even unpacked from when we moved here, and we’ve lived here for 5 years last month. It has literally taken me years, partially delayed by having two babies, to decorate and personalize this home.

Why do I feel this way about moving? I’ve moved my whole life. House after house, different school systems, different states, different countries even. I am so tired of moving and changing everything and starting new. Despite all of the good reasons we have to move, I am really struggling to get over this serious pit in my stomach at the thought of all the change.

I have become deeply sentimental about this home that we’ve created. We brought both of our children home from the hospital to this house. Especially around the holidays, I am overwhelmed with joy remembering the traditions we have worked so hard to create here. If we moved within a year, I am not sure that either of our young ones will remember this house beyond what they see in pictures.

I feel guilty for being so negative. I am scared that my unwillingness to jump on board with the idea is putting a damper on my husband’s excitement. I feel as though I should be grateful to be able to afford to move to a different home that will better suit our family. Yet, here I sit, wanting to dig my feet into the ground. Staking my place here, refusing to budge unless forcibly removed. I am mixed with fear of the work and the loss of the beautiful memories we’ve made.

I will miss the friendships we’ve made in this neighborhood, and I am nervous about making new ones. I think this is partially from knowing the truth that lots of friends fall away when you move. There are good intentions to stay in touch, but in this modern world if it is not incredibly convenient, it just doesn’t seem to happen.

This is what I am going to have to work through. I need to sit down and explain these feelings to my husband, and we can decide together how to handle each one. I know he will understand, and that my feelings shouldn’t keep us from actually making this step. But I need to honor them, find perspective on each of my struggles, and create a plan to make this move as successful as possible.