With all of the upcoming focus on Valentine’s Day, it made me realize that I haven’t talked about my marriage in a while. I know why I haven’t. It’s because I haven’t had much positive to share about it. Because we’re kind of just okay.
Despite my goals to spend time with my husband, the few moments we get are few and far between. And they just seem lost in the day to day operation of raising 3 kids. One or at best two special moments per week do little to counteract all of the daily things that chip away at our relationship.
Without that emotional connection, we are quick to disagree with each other or be defensive when the other is making a point. It’s amazing how badly we misunderstand each other. We pick at each other’s parenting. We make negative assumptions about what the other person is thinking or feeling.
The kids are really going through a lot, which pushes both of our buttons. I am extra worn out from our son beginning his terrible two’s and our 4-year-old daughter being quite a handful. Emotions are pretty volatile in our house these days, and the screaming and crying really does wear on the nerves. Even the teen, who’s very well behaved, has been pretty emotional as well.
We used to be so much better at keeping up with our relationship. One or the other would bring up little issues as they came up. Now, we have a hard time finding an opportunity to talk, even in the evenings, because the teen goes to bed when we do. If we wait until after she goes to bed, it feels like we are bringing up a whole bunch of negative stuff right before bed. The result? So much stuff goes unsaid, causing resentments and misunderstandings.
I know my husband feels like the kids take up too much of my time and energy. And for me, it seems impossible to give him the attention he wants when I’ve got one screaming and other talking non-stop. Despite being very similar people, we tend to have very different ideas about parenting which causes friction at times. And frankly, I am exhausted.
It’s just hard. I don’t think it’s exactly what either of us pictured this phase of child rearing would be like.
We love each other and in retrospect, it was good that we spent 6 years working on our relationship before having kids. But right now, we are just hanging in there. Don’t get me wrong, we haven’t given up on us. We are just muscling through these tougher phases with the kids, waiting for time to pass and things to get better. And I know it will get easier as our youngest gets older and more self-sufficient.
Remembering that all relationships have their natural ebbs and flows really help. If we expected that it would be love and roses all the time, this season would probably seem like a deal killer. We are committed to our marriage for the long haul and know that we will have plenty of time for us when the kids are grown.
What about you? Does your marriage take a backseat when you’re busy with the kids? How do you stay committed for the long haul?
I feel you. My husband and I have been like this for a while since having kids. Sometimes I’d feel like he doesn’t love me as much; I guess part of it is because we have different love language. To him, he’s already showing me how much he loves me but I still don’t feel it because my language is different. I make it a point to hug and kiss him every chance I get since that’s my language to keep up with our relationship; and he makes it a point to do stuff for me and to help me out when I need it because that’s his language.
Belle | One Awesome Momma
Wow, that’s interesting. For us, it’s the opposite. He likes to show affection, but I would rather he help me with something. Glad to hear we are not the only ones, though.
We try really hard to create a balance when it comes to kid vs married life. So far, we havent had any major hiccups, but it takes effort
I definitely struggle with the balance, and I do try at it. It could be way worse if I didn’t…
It’s so hard to find a balance! But, even the simplest things can make a difference. A stolen moment together, helping each other out and once in a while, planning a simple date. Also, supporting each other and letting each other know they are there for each other.
It really does take daily effort from both parties. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope it improves for you soon. Kudos for hanging in there.
I think it’s normal to go through the valleys in marriage. It’s so easy to let your marriage slip behind other priorities. Sometimes we struggle with it too, but we recognize our relationship is foundational for our family and do our best to get back to us. For us, our faith is what keeps us rooted in our commitment to each other.
Thank you for this! Seriously, I need to know I’m not alone in feeling like things are just “okay” when it comes to marriage post-kids. I feel like so many people I know are rockin’ their marriages post-kids but I constantly feel like mine is struggling. My husband’s work schedule changed and he is asleep before I say goodnight to our youngest, so anything important is texted, not verbalized, which isn’t a good thing. I think I go through most of the week wondering if our marriage will even make it.
I’m hoping to take the 5 Love Languages quiz, and have my husband do the same, at some point this year. My big hope is that if we can know each other’s language we can do little things to make the other feel more loved and wanted. My therapist suggested I do it a couple years ago, but I kept putting it on the back burner. It’s on my 2017 To Do List 🙂
Thank you for your honesty!! My husband and I work through the same things right now with having a terrible twos toddler and me being so sick in my pregnancy – sometimes we feel so empty at the end of the day we don’t have more to give…but we have been making it one of the biggest priorities in our home now to stay connected or everything else will fall apart. Thanks for sharing & showing us we aren’t alone in the “just okay” days.
Yup, same here. Seems like all we do is work and talk about our son these days. He definitely keeps us busy and worn out despite only being one child and not even two years old. We try to make time for date nights so we can just reconnect.
Yes, I totally identify with you. We waited for five years of marriage to go by before we had kids because I was getting a second college degree (that I barely use now:( but its still good to have it). We have three kids too and one is a teen who goes to bed at the same time as us also. I often forget to tell my husband things because there are certain things we want to talk about with no kids around, but this happens so infrequently that often things go unsaid and become forgotten. It is easier as kids become more self sufficient but then they have other things that take up your time like homework assistance, activities, friends, emotional stuff, so I dont’ really feel like it gets easier overall as they grow but it changes. I try to think of this as a season. We must do our best to get through it and weather it the best we can. Great post to get everyone thinking. Thanks!
It’s like you read my mind when you wrote this post! We only have 1 toddler right now (and a baby on the way) but I already feel that our quality time together is very minimal. Implementing (and following through) with date night has helped, but we still have a ways to go.
It is SO hard with kids this young… ours are 4.5, 2.5 and our 3rd is due any day. The Love Languages have helped, and giving each other the benefit of the doubt. Look up “validation & reflection” communication technique as well. And hang in there <3