Am I?
It’s certainly how I’ve thought of myself for the past three years, ever since I was laid off from my Finance position at a Fortune 500 company. I haven’t done any “traditional” or “full-time” work since.
Sure, there’s the argument that staying home with the kids is work. Which it most definitely is. And I’m certainly busy. In fact, most days I wonder how I ever used to work at all. But even without a full-time job, my list of domestic failings is so long that I often wonder:
“What am I doing wrong?!”
It’s pretty typical that I compare my shortcomings to other mothers’ accomplishments. One day my husband was describing in full detail watching his grandmother make pies from scratch, painstakingly crafting and rolling out the pie crust by hand. I listened intently as he reminisced about the unbelievable buttery taste, superior to any store-bought creation that passes as dessert today. To which I remarked, “I don’t know how mothers used to have time to do that.” I have NEVER EVER made any pie crust by hand. It simply would take too much time (and require more patience and skill than I currently possess). But it’s not just the baking, it’s the stories of mothers who sewed clothes for their children, ironed their husband’s shirts, grew their own fruits and vegetables, made every meal from scratch, and on and on.
When I voiced my inadequacy, my husband put it simply, “You’re not really a stay at home mom.”
I’m not? It certainly feels that way most days. I handle the kids 100% during the day while my husband works and we share the responsibilities at night. I feed the family their meals, including my husband when he is working from home. I do never-ending laundry and try to keep the mess from overtaking all of our spaces. I handle groceries and supplies. I cart the kids to and fro. That’s all stay at home mom material.
It’s only reinforced by the fact that I can see that my Facebook posts are primarily about our children and family. My husband will be talking about business with me (one of my favorite topics, seriously!), and my mind will wander to wondering when I can take the kids apple picking. Where the children are at developmentally is one of my go-to conversations. And our friends and family are so used to the idea that I am home with the kids, that no one ever bothers to ask me what I might be doing beyond homemaking.
Yet my husband is right, I actually do so much more.
I am an investor.
I spend a minimum of 1-2 hours per weekday reading business news related to my investments. I am running several different investment strategies across 5 brokerage accounts, which takes time to manage. In addition, I have also been teaching my husband about the stock market and helping him develop his own strategies according to his risk tolerance. At this time, my taxable portfolio is my largest source of income, between $15-20k per year.
I help my husband with his business.
I don’t have as much time to devote as I used to, but I jump in to cover the office while he is away. Because I worked with him for many years and am familiar with the business, I often am his sounding board for problems he encounters.
I am a writer.
For one, I run this blog. Second, I am freelance writing for other sites. Third, I did copy-writing for a company that needed Amazon product pages rewritten. These jobs haven’t added up to a whole lot of income this year, but it was WORK.
When I consider these and other jobs I maintain, it’s easier to see why I am ALWAYS feeling behind on my domestic tasks. I mean, there’s also the fact that I don’t particularly like cleaning and organizing. But when I add up all the hours spent on traditionally non-SAHM tasks, I can see where my husband is coming from.
And I am not the only one. I know many, many other mothers who might appear from the outside to be Stay at Home Moms, but they are all doing more than just the mom thing. I know people who volunteer, do photography, teach or tutor, freelance in various capacities, or do creative work like making jewelry or art. In fact, I know more of these types of hybrid moms than the more traditional ones.
This post is not intended to devalue anyone who is solely a Stay at Home Mom. I sometimes wish that I could just manage the kids and the household and do nothing else. And then I come back to the reality that I am not particularly well suited for that kind of work and devotion. Keeping my mind occupied with the other things I do really helps to keep me sane.
What about you? Are you a SAHM? What else do you do that doesn’t typically fall under that description?
I picked up Tiffany Dufu’s book “Drop the Ball” on a whim during my last trip to the library. With an endorsement on the front from Sheryl Sandberg and a foreword penned by Gloria Steinem, I figured this book was worth a read. And I am very glad I took the chance. This is the first book I’ve read in quite some time where I felt like I was learning something new on every page and it even inspired me to write pages of notes and reactions (like I was back in school all over again!).
“Drop the Ball” is filled with practical advice on how to go about obtaining better balance between career and home life. I love how Dufu addresses the problem here, instead of blaming society or men for this problem, she focuses on how women need to be assertive to push back against these gender norms.
This question.
The truth is: I like pieces of everything. I can get excited about so many different topics and so many different fields. And that is what I think is the more likely culprit in my lack of answer to this question than the vague direction I received as a youth. Too many passions leave me floundering between them all.
Life can really throw you off track sometimes. When I started this blog last year, I was making plans and taking steps to explore a potential career in writing. I thought our family life had stabilized and I could begin to work on myself again.
To recap my priorities: running my household and caring for the kids, followed by my investments, followed by my writing. And honestly, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I don’t have time for much else. That doesn’t mean I won’t be making plans to see my friends or exercise or just relaxing. I just needed to get my head clear on how much time I really have during the day and what is the most important to me. I’ve spent many years since becoming a mother feeling stretched too thin across too many areas, feeling so divided that I wasn’t performing my best at any of them.
Dear Corporate America,
Requiring Too Many Hours for Salaried Workers
In the beginning of 2016, though, I felt the need to go back to work. But how could I manage it? I didn’t think I could take on a full-time job because the kids still needed a lot of my attention. Even if we got help during the day, the balance of the childcare would fall on me and I didn’t see how I could handle everything. I was already exhausted. So, that left me with the idea of finding non-traditional work.
It was so much fun working for a startup. I was fired up by the potential for the technology to really take off. I got to work on so many different projects from creating marketing materials to company social media. I got involved in sales, including pitching the technology to some of the companies I’d worked with in my previous industry. I learned a ton about the digital advertising industry, even researching and reading on my own time.
And there it is. I tried something new. I gave it quite a bit of effort and it didn’t work out. I actually feel pretty good about it. I learned a ton. And it gave me some great experience. And even though it was without pay, it is still a job that I can lean on to lessen the impact of my motherhood gap should I choose to try to get back into the traditional workforce. It also gave me insights into the workings of a startup that I would not have otherwise experienced. And the experience actually enforced for me even more that I do not want to work in the traditional capacity. I want to be an entrepreneur, choosing how I want to spend my time. I want the flexibility and freedom to be able to spend time with my family when I want or when they need me. That is my 
If you had told me even 5 years ago that I would become a snowbird in my 30’s, I would have laughed. I have never particularly been fond of Florida because of the intense summer heat. And yet, here I am in Florida for our 3rd extended winter trip with my entire family of 5.
I have to admit I was pretty reluctant at first. I was worried about being able to maintain my job remotely (even more remotely, no longer within driving distance of my office) while juggling the children. It was a little harder, but doable because my husband jumped in to help me balance. My husband’s consultancy, while Northeast based, was surprisingly portable. He could easily return home for business meetings or tradeshows, but every other aspect of his business could be handled via phone, email, or fax (forwarded to email).
The benefits for our family are immeasurable. The sunshine lifted all of our spirits incredibly (even mine, and I hadn’t considered myself affected by the bleak winters). The warm weather helped us get more active, as opposed to being holed up inside due to the cold. Our bodies reset to a more summer styled appetite, allowing us to eat lighter and healthier. More typically seasonal foods were available like avocados and oranges, and being close to the water increased the availability of fish to eat.
I met the owner of our next success story online. I was inspired by her commitment towards developing the career she wanted, even if that meant trying out many things until she found what worked. Here is Carrie’s Sanity Plan:
I’ve wanted to work from home since the moment I became a mom four years ago. I remember sitting in our little apartment during maternity leave and deciding to check my work email. Our new baby was sleeping next to me as I logged in. I had just had her, but when I checked my email, I noticed one that said, “only 2 weeks until Carrie gets back!” I just sat there staring at my computer trying to process that. I had just had a baby! I quickly pulled up a calendar and realized I had indeed already been home with her for 10 weeks. Well, you know what happens next. I immediately burst into tears and decided to make a change.
Time blocking – I now have a weekly schedule with chunks of time for all of my projects. This has saved me so much time. Each time I have work time (during kindergarten and nap time), I know exactly what I need to do, so I don’t waste time feeling overwhelmed. On Mondays I edit and write outlines. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays are for billable client work. On Wednesdays, I work on my blog and shoot a Facebook live video.
My days are ruled by a terrible master. Slave driving and tireless, it never ends and never lessens.
The children ask if can I play with them, and more and more I respond with “I have to do this. I have to do that.” So rarely anymore do I feel free enough to prompt play, or join in with them while they play on their own. How must they feel watching their mom consumed by a whirlwind of never-ending tasks?