I picked up Tiffany Dufu’s book “Drop the Ball” on a whim during my last trip to the library. With an endorsement on the front from Sheryl Sandberg and a foreword penned by Gloria Steinem, I figured this book was worth a read. And I am very glad I took the chance. This is the first book I’ve read in quite some time where I felt like I was learning something new on every page and it even inspired me to write pages of notes and reactions (like I was back in school all over again!).
Dufu utilizes her extensive background in the field of advancement for women, detailed scientific research, as well as her own personal experiences to send the message that working mothers can indeed learn to stop trying to do it all.
The Why
Drop the Ball seeks to address the following questions:
Why do working moms stall out when they reach middle management instead of joining the ranks of leadership in equal ratios to men?
Why are these women burning out, experiencing increased rates of crippling stress and depression?
According to Dufu, both questions point to the same answer. Women with families are taking on too much. Gender stereotyping to “own” the household, regardless of having a career, forces women to essentially work two full time jobs.
The Solution
“Drop the Ball” is filled with practical advice on how to go about obtaining better balance between career and home life. I love how Dufu addresses the problem here, instead of blaming society or men for this problem, she focuses on how women need to be assertive to push back against these gender norms.
So, how can we learn to drop the ball?
- Evaluate what is important to you and then decide if you are best utilizing your time and talents to meet those goals
- Analyze the tasks needed to run your household (Dufu uses an excel spreadsheet) and work to balance them in a more equitable way, keeping in mind that some tasks can be dropped completely (if they don’t meet goals in first bullet)
- Let go of tasks assigned to other people and you may be surprised at the result (Dufu calls this Home Control Disease or HCD and as long as we hold onto this habit, we will never be free to pursue more important things)
The Hidden Gems
The further I got into the book, the more impressed I became with how Dufu thinks. I want to highlight a couple of gems that I really appreciated in her work.
- Do not take for granted the work our husbands already do to help support our households – Dufu shares an experience similar to my own when she sits down with her husband to list out all of the household tasks and is surprised by the things she was unaware that her husband handled. I imagine this is a common experience for women and enforces the need for this exercise to be done with an open mind (instead of accusations and anger).
- Just because men do it differently than we would… doesn’t make it wrong. This is so important in terms of us learning how to let go of tasks. Dufu refers to detailed lists she left for her husband, expecting him to manage the kids exactly in the way that she would. I actually went through a similar mindset with my husband prior to having kids, when we worked together for his business. It was an eye opening experience for me to learn that my way of doing things was not the only way to get it done (and not even the optimal method at times!).
- Men are suffering from gender stereotypes when it comes to family life as well. Dufu uses a personal example of being outraged that her husband was telling prospective employers that his wife was nagging him to spend more time at home. When she approached him, she learned that he was scared to be ridiculed (and not hired) if he truthfully explained his own commitment to his family. It was much more culturally acceptable for the wife to be forcing this change that for it to come from an internal desire. This experience highlights how we need to buck the trends that are not supportive of men being just as involved in family life and household management. One solution Dufu brings to light here is that companies can incorporate leave and flexible work policies for both men and women and adapt a culture that allows men to take advantages of such programs without stigma or penalty.
Overall, an enlightening read on a timely topic dear to many a working mother’s heart. I highly recommend “Drop the Ball” for all women who seek to find balance in their domestic lives, carving a more equitable future for generations to come.
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This question.
The truth is: I like pieces of everything. I can get excited about so many different topics and so many different fields. And that is what I think is the more likely culprit in my lack of answer to this question than the vague direction I received as a youth. Too many passions leave me floundering between them all.
Life can really throw you off track sometimes. When I started this blog last year, I was making plans and taking steps to explore a potential career in writing. I thought our family life had stabilized and I could begin to work on myself again.
To recap my priorities: running my household and caring for the kids, followed by my investments, followed by my writing. And honestly, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I don’t have time for much else. That doesn’t mean I won’t be making plans to see my friends or exercise or just relaxing. I just needed to get my head clear on how much time I really have during the day and what is the most important to me. I’ve spent many years since becoming a mother feeling stretched too thin across too many areas, feeling so divided that I wasn’t performing my best at any of them.
Dear Corporate America,
Requiring Too Many Hours for Salaried Workers
In the beginning of 2016, though, I felt the need to go back to work. But how could I manage it? I didn’t think I could take on a full-time job because the kids still needed a lot of my attention. Even if we got help during the day, the balance of the childcare would fall on me and I didn’t see how I could handle everything. I was already exhausted. So, that left me with the idea of finding non-traditional work.
It was so much fun working for a startup. I was fired up by the potential for the technology to really take off. I got to work on so many different projects from creating marketing materials to company social media. I got involved in sales, including pitching the technology to some of the companies I’d worked with in my previous industry. I learned a ton about the digital advertising industry, even researching and reading on my own time.
And there it is. I tried something new. I gave it quite a bit of effort and it didn’t work out. I actually feel pretty good about it. I learned a ton. And it gave me some great experience. And even though it was without pay, it is still a job that I can lean on to lessen the impact of my motherhood gap should I choose to try to get back into the traditional workforce. It also gave me insights into the workings of a startup that I would not have otherwise experienced. And the experience actually enforced for me even more that I do not want to work in the traditional capacity. I want to be an entrepreneur, choosing how I want to spend my time. I want the flexibility and freedom to be able to spend time with my family when I want or when they need me. That is my 
If you had told me even 5 years ago that I would become a snowbird in my 30’s, I would have laughed. I have never particularly been fond of Florida because of the intense summer heat. And yet, here I am in Florida for our 3rd extended winter trip with my entire family of 5.
I have to admit I was pretty reluctant at first. I was worried about being able to maintain my job remotely (even more remotely, no longer within driving distance of my office) while juggling the children. It was a little harder, but doable because my husband jumped in to help me balance. My husband’s consultancy, while Northeast based, was surprisingly portable. He could easily return home for business meetings or tradeshows, but every other aspect of his business could be handled via phone, email, or fax (forwarded to email).
The benefits for our family are immeasurable. The sunshine lifted all of our spirits incredibly (even mine, and I hadn’t considered myself affected by the bleak winters). The warm weather helped us get more active, as opposed to being holed up inside due to the cold. Our bodies reset to a more summer styled appetite, allowing us to eat lighter and healthier. More typically seasonal foods were available like avocados and oranges, and being close to the water increased the availability of fish to eat.
I met the owner of our next success story online. I was inspired by her commitment towards developing the career she wanted, even if that meant trying out many things until she found what worked. Here is Carrie’s Sanity Plan:
I’ve wanted to work from home since the moment I became a mom four years ago. I remember sitting in our little apartment during maternity leave and deciding to check my work email. Our new baby was sleeping next to me as I logged in. I had just had her, but when I checked my email, I noticed one that said, “only 2 weeks until Carrie gets back!” I just sat there staring at my computer trying to process that. I had just had a baby! I quickly pulled up a calendar and realized I had indeed already been home with her for 10 weeks. Well, you know what happens next. I immediately burst into tears and decided to make a change.
Time blocking – I now have a weekly schedule with chunks of time for all of my projects. This has saved me so much time. Each time I have work time (during kindergarten and nap time), I know exactly what I need to do, so I don’t waste time feeling overwhelmed. On Mondays I edit and write outlines. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays are for billable client work. On Wednesdays, I work on my blog and shoot a Facebook live video.
My days are ruled by a terrible master. Slave driving and tireless, it never ends and never lessens.
The children ask if can I play with them, and more and more I respond with “I have to do this. I have to do that.” So rarely anymore do I feel free enough to prompt play, or join in with them while they play on their own. How must they feel watching their mom consumed by a whirlwind of never-ending tasks?