One Mental Trick that Helps Me Make Hard Decisions

July 17, 2017 By Sara M. 7 Comments

As long as I can remember, I have had a difficult time making decisions. I go back and forth, weigh the pros and cons, and sometimes even spend exhaustive amounts of time discussing my thought process with loved ones. My husband, who can make decisions in a split second, is easily irritated by my incessant rumination.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I am this way and I think it comes down to part personality and part upbringing. Growing up, my father placed a high emphasis on thinking before you act and making the right decisions. When I messed up, I heard about it. As for my personality, being Type-A and a subsequent perfectionist, I worry very much about making the wrong choices. As a result, I tend to awfulize whatever negative impact I imagine will result from my decisions.

These factors create the perfect pressure cooker scenario where my anxiety runs so high that I try to think even harder to prevent something bad from happening. The kicker is, there are lots of decisions to make in life, and even the smaller ones will bog me down if I get stuck in this cyclical thinking.

Luckily, I’ve learned a few tricks in my 30 plus years and this one has been especially helpful in easing the pressure I feel when I comes to decision making.

I remember this one thing:

**Very few decisions in life are permanent.**

There, think about that for a moment.

It’s actually very simple.

What can you do in this life that cannot be undone? I can only think of a handful –

Having children, committing crimes, committing suicide…

But what can you “undo?” Almost everything.

Choose a major in college you no longer like? Change it.

Hate your job? Get a different one.

Regret deciding to stay home with the kids? Go back to work.

Even a marriage to the wrong person can be dissolved (not that I advocate taking marriage lightly).

I could go on.

When my sister was really stressed about making the very hard decision of whether to move across the country or not, I asked her to consider what would happen if she hated the place she chose. She realized that all she would have to do was move back. That’s not to say that it would be easy, there’s a ton of work and expense involved with relocating. But she could. Moving does not have to be permanent. And she did end up making that move.

Just knowing that I can unwind almost any decision makes it so much easier for me to drop all the back and forth and do it already. Sure, there are opportunity costs and potentially costs to change direction, but I know it can be done. Of course, I don’t recommend going to the other extreme, making rash decisions simply because you can always correct them later. I imagine this would lead to a very messy life.

But for me, knowing that I can always change my mind gives me the freedom to set my anxiety aside and move forward.

What about you? Do you get bogged down in trying to make the “perfect” decision? How do you get yourself unstuck?

Get to Know Your Trouble Spots

September 13, 2016 By Sara M. 2 Comments

To quote my mother, a.k.a. Lady Jane, I am on a journey of self-discovery.

And what do I need to know about myself? I need to know the areas where I tend to struggle, fall short, and get stuck. Equipped with that self-awareness, I can practice better strategies for coping when I find myself in those positions.

In mid-August, I was definitely in a rough patch. My anxiety and stress were through the roof, and when I am stressed I become cranky and angry. At everything. All the time. Which in turn, makes it miserable for everyone in my robust family of 5.

It took about a week for me to stop and figure out what it was, which tells me two things. One, I am out of practice (likely due to the chaos that comes with raising toddlers). Two, the level of stress was so high it was very difficult to calm down long enough to get clarity on what was actually going on below the surface.

But when I finally touched on the answer, it all made sense to me.

#1 Trouble Spot – I HATE Making Decisions

Not sure exactly where this comes from, but when I am faced with a lot of decisions to make or a single hard decision to make, I fall apart. The act of making a decision is arduous for me. I toss and turn and toil and rethink and second guess, and by the time it’s over I’ve exhausted myself and anyone who took pity on me to listen. At the core, I’m scared I will make the wrong decision.

In August, I was faced with several serious decisions. The first one was that we were losing our summer childcare help, and needed to hire someone new. In particular, I needed to decide if we were going to continue sending our 3 ½ year old daughter to daycare, while also pursuing in home care for the 20 month old. The idea of the double expense was killing me, but our daughter has gotten so much socialization out of school that it seemed necessary. And then, there was the whole interview process and trying to decide what traits I wanted in a new nanny, etc. Hello decision overload.

The next biggie was my rental property. Purchasing this condo was one of the worst decisions I have made in my life (will definitely cover in a full post), and it continues to be a drain on our resources but we are too far underwater to sell it. My previous tenant moved out, leaving us with ruined floors, urine damage, and a disgusting mess. Being that it is my property prior to our marriage (and I’m a tad picky about how things get done), my husband defers to me for how I want to handle it. Hello decision overload.

The last major one was my choice, but still required a ton of decisions. It was starting this blog. I am not sure I would have even started the blog if I had known how much work and learning goes into it. And decisions! Technical decisions, design decisions, content decisions, marketing decisions, etc. All for good, but for someone like me who toils over each and every decision, it was extremely stressful.

#2 Trouble Spot – I Have Major Money Buttons

I was raised in a very cost conscious family. The pressure to conserve money was so great in my childhood that I have an extremely hard time breaking free of those chains today. I struggle to spend money even on items that one would consider a necessity. Whenever money is involved, it adds another layer that further complicates my decision making process.

In each of the examples above, there is a money component. The cost of daycare, and the cost of a nanny. For my condo, because the apartment was in such disrepair, it could not even be shown until after the tenant vacated. Which meant I couldn’t even list it until it was acceptable to show to prospective tenants. Each day that ticked by had a dollar figure attached. And the blog, while in total it wasn’t super expensive to launch, I was still stressed because it was an investment that may not ever be returned. Heaven forbid I waste money doing something fun!

#3 Trouble Spot – I Struggle When Learning Something New

In general, I love new experiences. But when it comes to learning a new process or a heavily technical process, I really stall out. I have very little patience for those early periods of “not getting it” or when a supposedly simple process takes a long time. It’s as if I want to be an instant expert at everything, even if I’ve never even tried it before. Yes, you can laugh now at how ridiculous that sounds – but I bet lots of people feel this way. Maybe I’ve been spoiled by the fact that most things have come very easily to me so I never developed the perseverance needed to tackle hard tasks.

Starting thesanityplan.com was the perfect storm of learning something new, spending money, and making tons of decisions. I wouldn’t go back and change it, however, when I keep my particular trouble spots at the forefront, I can tackle them faster. And once I’ve identified the issue that’s coming up, it brings the whole situation into better perspective. I can remind myself that these struggles come from my childhood, they are old habits, and I do get through them every time.

Your Kids Are Doing the Best They Can

September 12, 2016 By Sara M. 10 Comments

Hanging out with little kids all day, it is easy to get frustrated with challenging or difficult behavior. I speak from experience, having been a teen when my siblings were young and now having an almost 2 and 4-year-old of my own.

This past year has taken my stress level to epic proportions as both of them are working to assert their will. The Little Man, at 20 months, is struggling with continuing to scream for things instead of speaking the words he can. He is demonstrating even more forcefully that he NEVER EVER wants to have his diaper or his clothes changed. And coming in from outside results in window shattering screams.

Our daughter, at almost 4, is also tough. Very sharp and very challenging. Best way to describe her is that her emotional capabilities have not caught up to her mental capabilities. She wants to do what she wants to do now, and there will be a tantrum if things don’t go her way.

One way of thinking that has proved very helpful for me is remembering that your child is doing the best that they can. This is not a natural thought for me. Most of the time, it feels like they are acting out on purpose, testing me, challenging, and simply trying to get their way.

That’s the key – they are doing all of those things.

And THAT is the best that they can do.

THAT is what they are supposed to be doing.

Meltdowns & Tantrums

Consider an example. My daughter at almost 4, had a meltdown the other day because I wouldn’t let her color before getting dressed for school. I had already conceded to allowing her a glass of milk before getting dressed, and she had agreed to do it afterwards. When she asked to color, I told her “no” and reminded her that she had agreed to get dressed. Immediately, I could see her dig in. Tears of anger came to her eyes and she was escalating. I tried again to calmly remind her but I could not stop the train. She started screaming and spewing “nasties” and I sent her to her room to work it out. As awful as it is, this is where she is at. This is her skill level at this time. She has not developed the emotional control needed to remain calm when she doesn’t get what she wants or the patience and logic to see that she will get to color after she does her obligations.

Even when a child behaves “badly,” they are doing the best that they can. That doesn’t make it right. That doesn’t mean that we must allow certain behaviors to continue. What it means is that there are certain limitations still in play developmentally, and additional time and coaching are needed to correct them.

I’m telling you this because I have to remind myself of this ALL THE TIME. Without this perspective, I react with anger and frustration instead of calm understanding of their limitations. This can create a bad cycle because then the kids are reacting to my anger instead of focusing on the lesson that they must learn.

Beyond Childhood

This perspective can be applied to adults as well. The way people choose to behave (good and bad) is a result of their personality, upbringing, and life experiences. I encounter grownups all the time whose actions make me stop and scratch my head. I have to remember that I am viewing their behaviors through my own framework of how adults should act, as opposed to looking at it from their point of view.

You might see people making poor decisions on how they spend their money or prioritize their time. You might see people who act aggressively on the road or act rudely to wait staff in a restaurant over something minor. You might encounter a boss who takes credit for your work or a coworker who throws you under a bus in order to get ahead. These examples demonstrate some true limitations in character, self-control, self-awareness, and work ethic. It’s where they are at. Not to be tolerated when it impacts you, of course, but it helps to remember that people are the product of their lives. And that is their problem, not yours.

Have you tried this or a similar mantra for being patient with your children? Do you know any adults who still act like toddlers sometimes?

The Truth About ‘Not Getting Anything Done’

September 8, 2016 By Sara M. 5 Comments

It’s 4 o’clock on a Friday and I’m feeling stressed and panicked. My mind is muddled, with only one thought ringing loud and clear.

“I haven’t gotten anything done today.”

But wait, is that really true? I haven’t gotten anything done today? Anything at all? I take a moment to review my day.

Up at 6 with the kids, keep them quiet and occupied until 8 when the rest of the house awakes
Help the teen with some laundry
Feed the whole family a proper breakfast of fried eggs, at different times
Clean up from breakfast
Dress the Littles
Take 4-year-old to summer camp by 9
9-12 – pick up around the house and keep an eye on the little man who refused to go down for nap
Help husband with some work files
12:15-1:30 interview a new babysitter in person
1:45-2 interview a new babysitter via phone
Feed littles and get them down for naps
Set up a meeting for work

And I’m sure I’m missing a few things. Back to that thought, though, it’s not exactly accurate. I’ve gotten TONS done today. I just haven’t had time to do the things I wanted to do today. Like create some demonstrations for work, work on the blog, shower, or put away the laundry.

The Bigger Picture

That struggle I feel between work that is valued or not. Tasks related to the kids or home are not “real work” to me. I don’t feel the same sense of accomplishment that I do when I get a project done at work, or have a successful sales meeting. And I often don’t even allow time for those things, demonstrating again where I put their importance in the scheme of my life. And for me, this negative thinking is not exclusively related to the kids. When I was in school and not working, I often felt lost and directionless. I had less of a sense of achievement without the firm concrete goals that working for someone else often provides.

At the surface, this mentality could easily point to how I was raised. In my household, domestic tasks were considered less important than working or education. Or perhaps it can be blamed on societal ideas that domestic tasks are an old fashioned view of women’s work. Or maybe it is strictly a fault in my personality that I find it difficult to perceive value in the more nuanced or maintenance type tasks.

The Solution

And while I could conduct a more in depth analysis of what has led me to this way of thinking, I’d much rather focus on the solution. Awareness of the faulty thinking is the first step. Disputing the thoughts is the next step. And mentally re-framing the thoughts is the last step.

So, the next time I catch myself thinking “I haven’t gotten anything done today,” I will pause to reflect. I will recognize that this thought leads me to think and feel very negatively (in this case, stressed and panicked). I will consider everything that I have accomplished, domestic tasks included. Lastly, I will make a plan for addressing the other tasks on my list. Because, there is always another day for my to-dos. And hey, raising kids is my important work!

Do you struggle with this? Do you place the same value on tasks related to caring for your children versus work related tasks?

Even as a SAHM or SAHD, is it hard to shake needing concrete tasks and goals to feel accomplished?

Fighting Fair Keeps Relationships Sane

September 6, 2016 By Sara M. 1 Comment

I spent my morning consoling a friend who is going through a tough spot in her relationship with her husband. While there are a lot of factors causing friction in their marriage, I was particularly aware of her description of a recent fight. It reminded me of why Mr. Sanity and I use the rules we do.

Fighting, better described as having disagreements loudly, is a natural part of any relationship. If you’ve experienced one without it, you have to at least admit it’s pretty rare!

My husband and I are closely aligned in most areas of our lives. Despite this, there are always times that we see things differently based on our own unique experiences and personalities. It doesn’t feel good to fight, but we consider it a necessary evil. Instead of letting emotions and words fly, we use these rules of engagement when we do have a fight.

Don’t Say Anything You Can’t Take Back

This is the most important rule, and if you only remember and use this one, you will see an improvement in your relationship. I have to credit my husband with this gem, and admit that I was not particularly good at this earlier on in our relationship. (Hey, no one taught me!!)

You can say things in anger that can cause permanent harm to your relationship. Even after making up, certain words or statements can echo through your partner’s head, continuing to hurt them or cause a sense of insecurity in your love.

Fight the urge to speak in anger. Think hard before you spout off, and if you feel like you can’t control your tongue, excuse yourself and come back to the topic when you are calmer.

Don’t Name Call

This could potentially go under the rule above because once you’ve called someone a name you can’t take it back. Didn’t we all learn this in elementary school? Names are directed at the core of a person. As in “Stop being such a jerk!” Instead, describe to the other person which actions are bothering you or causing a problem.

Employ Empathy

As Mr. Sanity always says, “There may not be an excuse, but there is always a reason.” Taking time to try to put yourself in your partner’s position will help you understand their point of view. Consider what their thoughts and feelings might have been, as well as any particular triggers from their past that may have influenced their decisions or behaviors.

Focus on One Subject or Incident

Another rule of ours is that we don’t weigh down the argument with lots of other issues we are upset about. Try to focus on the main incident without dragging other issues from the past, especially if they have already been resolved.

Put The Subject of the Argument into Context

Ask yourself, what are you really arguing about? How big is it in the scheme of your lives together? Don’t let one small negative experience ruin a week of good times. As we progress in marriage, I find I am less willing to discuss what I consider the smaller grievances of cohabitation/coparenting. In fact, unless something still bothers me after a couple of hours, I simply let it go.

Another point to remember regarding context is that you and your partner are a team. You have chosen a life together, and it is important to remind yourself of this especially when a disagreement puts you in opposing camps.

Waiting for the catch? The catch is fighting fair is extremely hard to do in the moment.

You are asking your brain to override a strong emotional response and potentially bad habits. If it does get heated, the best thing to do is to walk away, think through the concepts above, and revisit the discussion afterwards.

Share these rules with your partner to get on the same page or create your own rules for fighting fair!

The Tricks I Use to Lose Weight

August 28, 2016 By Sara M. Leave a Comment

I am not a weight loss champion.

In fact, most of my adult life I have struggled with fluctuations in my weight. I consider myself reasonably lucky that at my heaviest I tend to wear it well, given my larger frame. However, I don’t feel good about myself when I am at the heavier end. I tire more easily and am generally unhappy with the way I look. And then there is the small problem of all my clothes being too tight.

I just finished nursing my latest excuse for weight gain, and now it is time to get back on track. I hadn’t wanted to cut back on calories while nursing my little man because nursing is a major drain on my energy. Between that and running around after two kids, I didn’t want to severely cut my intake.

So, as I implement my usual strategies, I wanted to summarize them to share with you. If you’ve been following me, you know that I am allergic to exercise, so these strategies are strictly about intake. Good luck!

Eat real food. I could probably write an entire post dedicated to this. Eliminate anything that has additives like fillers, nitrates, colors, too much salt and too much sugar. THINK: Food should have nutritional value. Examples of things to cut out: Mac’n’cheese, most pasta centered meals, white breads, pretzels, candy, desert etc.
Eat a variety of foods. For our family, this means mixing up the types of meat we eat during the week: alternate beef, chicken, pork, and fish. Once in a while I’ll get away with a vegetarian meal. Another trick we use for vegetables is eating every color of the rainbow (very easy to do on salads).
Drink zero calorie beverages. I am generally opposed to the drinks with fake sugar because I think we don’t have enough research about what their true effects are on our body. I simply drink seltzer. In particular, I drink Polar Seltzer because I like the fact that there is no sodium and the flavoring is natural. If I need a little more substance, I drink half seltzer and have no sugar added juice. Note: Orange juice and vanilla seltzer tastes exactly like a creamsicle, remember those? Exceptions: Wine and coffee. I still need to work on this.
Drink More Water. When you think you are hungry, try drinking some water. I read that sometimes your brain mixes up the signals for hunger & thirst.
Eat half of what you used to eat. Or pick a different percentage if you want to slim down more gradually. This is a great rule for going out. Whatever you order just eat half of it.
Don’t eat out. I don’t know about you – but I always eat too much if I go out to eat. I also tend to eat the wrong things, so when I’m trying to cut back, I cut down on eating out (bonus: it’s cheaper). Along these lines, I gave up buffet restaurants years ago.
Eat good deserts (credit to my dad for this one). He basically said, “If you’re going to eat junk, eat good junk.” This leads me to an important point. I don’t believe in rigid dieting, there are always exceptions to the rules, and if you just try to muscle through it, you won’t succeed. So for me, I don’t eat candy or doughnuts or cake, however I will splurge once in a while on a crème Brule or really good ice cream. But then again, see note above regarding eating half. Try sharing it with a partner, or only having a couple bites. If you pay close attention as you eat it, you’ll notice that the first couple of bites are the most pleasurable, so no need to “fill” yourself up with it.
Eat slowly. It takes a while for your brain to get the message that it is satisfied.
Buy/Use smaller plates. The newer styles of dinner plates seem gigantic to me. Try out using a smaller set of plates to remind you of what is an appropriate amount of food to put on the plate. Goes back to #7 also, if you have to get up for refills it gives you more time.
Don’t buy snacks. This could also be: don’t bring anything into the house that you’ll be tempted to eat/drink. I consider myself to have decent willpower, but if it is in the house, I will eat it. Packaged snacks are general fillers (see #1). Super hard to do while you’re parenting because the little ones need to eat more often so try to get snacks that are dedicated just for them. (i.e. that you don’t like)