Relationships Archives - TheSanityPlan

Dear Mom, Look for Love All Around You

February 13, 2017 By Sara M. 12 Comments

Sometimes the ways that our family shows us love is in the smallest of things, the nuances. These little moments are easily lost between the hustle and the bustle.

Amidst the whirlwind of raising young kids, take a moment today. Take the time to stop, breathe, and look for the love that is already surrounding you. You might be surprised by what you’ll see:

The love is in the flower that your daughter picks just for you.

The love is in the cup of coffee your husband fixes for you because he knows just the way you like it.

The love is in your baby’s arms wrapped tightly around your body; belly to belly, wrapped in your warmth.

The love is in the way your daughter wants to be just like you; her favorites are your favorites.

The love is in how your tired toddler lays his head on your shoulder at the end of the night, instinctively finding the perfect nook for resting.

The love is in how your toddler son looks over his shoulder to see if you are watching him.

The love is in your child choosing you to read them a story at the end of the night.

The love is in your husband jumping in to handle the kids when he sees you’re struggling to get dinner ready.

The love is in his voice when he tells you that you’re beautiful.

The love is in their cry for you when they’ve scraped their knees, and your magic kiss is enough to take the pain away.

The love is in how hard he works to provide for the family you’ve created together.

The love is in how they call for you in the middle of the night when they are scared of a bad dream.

The love is in the way she needs you.

The love is in the way your daughter doesn’t want to share you with anyone else.

The love is in the way their little bodies give in to the heaviness of sleep, trusting in the comfort of your arms.

The love is in the way your toddler pushes away to show his independence but keeps coming back to show you he still needs you.

The love is in how your partner knows you so well and can tell when there is something bothering you.

The love is in your child wanting to share her food with you.

The love is in the picture he takes of you when it seems to you that you aren’t doing anything special at all.

The love is in how he helps pick up the house without complaint.

The love is in how they seek you out first thing in the morning, happy to be awake to see you again.

The love is in how he loves your children.

The love is in the joy that lights up their face when they’ve missed you.

The love is in how he hears your struggles and wants to help you find a solution even if it’s not exactly the one you wanted.

The love is in the way they cry when you lay them down to sleep because being in your arms was pure bliss.

The love is in the way your child says okay and finally does what you’ve told them to do.

The love is in the things they repeat back from lessons you’ve taught them over time.

The love is in how he gives his undivided attention when you have something important you have to say.

The love is in the way a hand slips into yours when you hold your hand out; no words need to be exchanged.

The love is in how you are the most important person to them in the world, and even forever would not be enough time to spend together.

Look beyond the hugs and kisses to find the ways that love is woven into this life you have created.

Do it today as a celebration of love, but it most importantly, look for the love every day.

When a Big Change Fills Your Heart with Dread

January 12, 2017 By Sara M. 9 Comments

My husband wants to move. Well, actually we both *want* to move but the whole prospect is a bit terrifying for me.

There are so many good reasons for us to move. We are literally looking at only moving one town over to a neighborhood with a superior school district. We would be able to save money by taking our teen out of private school, and the youngest kids will be on a public-school tract for their full K-12 educations. We’ll be able to find a property that better suits our needs: a house with a layout that has more dedicated functional space. Right now, we have two useless rooms with no doors and a basement below grade that no one likes to go in unless we are watching a movie.

So, there are many good reasons for us to make this change. Yet, I am dreading the idea of actually picking up and doing it.

My husband is so excited. He is usually the first to jump on board with any changes. He loves to get up and go, without a second look back (and I’m not just referring to moving). But now, I’ve gotten to the point that every time he even brings up this subject, my heart sinks. It reached a peak over the weekend when he picked out several properties online and asked me twice to come and take a look at them. Each time I came up with excuses for why I didn’t have time to look at the houses. Because I feel like I just can’t go there right now.

I feel so overwhelmed by the thought of moving. The incredibly long process of house hunting is quite painful for someone like me who hates making decisions. Then, there is the grueling process of obtaining a mortgage, with endless documents to obtain and financial decisions to make. Everything about moving is decision overload.

But the worst part by far, is the idea of packing, moving, unpacking, and setting up a brand-new home. I am completely stalled with fear when I think of all of the work it will take to move everything we own. There are things I haven’t even unpacked from when we moved here, and we’ve lived here for 5 years last month. It has literally taken me years, partially delayed by having two babies, to decorate and personalize this home.

Why do I feel this way about moving? I’ve moved my whole life. House after house, different school systems, different states, different countries even. I am so tired of moving and changing everything and starting new. Despite all of the good reasons we have to move, I am really struggling to get over this serious pit in my stomach at the thought of all the change.

I have become deeply sentimental about this home that we’ve created. We brought both of our children home from the hospital to this house. Especially around the holidays, I am overwhelmed with joy remembering the traditions we have worked so hard to create here. If we moved within a year, I am not sure that either of our young ones will remember this house beyond what they see in pictures.

I feel guilty for being so negative. I am scared that my unwillingness to jump on board with the idea is putting a damper on my husband’s excitement. I feel as though I should be grateful to be able to afford to move to a different home that will better suit our family. Yet, here I sit, wanting to dig my feet into the ground. Staking my place here, refusing to budge unless forcibly removed. I am mixed with fear of the work and the loss of the beautiful memories we’ve made.

I will miss the friendships we’ve made in this neighborhood, and I am nervous about making new ones. I think this is partially from knowing the truth that lots of friends fall away when you move. There are good intentions to stay in touch, but in this modern world if it is not incredibly convenient, it just doesn’t seem to happen.

This is what I am going to have to work through. I need to sit down and explain these feelings to my husband, and we can decide together how to handle each one. I know he will understand, and that my feelings shouldn’t keep us from actually making this step. But I need to honor them, find perspective on each of my struggles, and create a plan to make this move as successful as possible.

Hey Mom, Stop Trying to Do It All!

December 19, 2016 By Sara M. 15 Comments

What do you think would happen if you stopped trying to do everything on your own? Stopped jumping in to be the first person to change the baby, grab a toddler a cup of water, or offer to set up a doctor’s appointment for your husband?

What would happen?

Are you scared that everything would fall apart?

Do you think that you are the only one that can do it correctly?

Do you feel like you should do it, because it’s your job?

Well, stop.

Take my word and try it out. What’s the worst that can happen? Things don’t get done, oh well. But the potential upside… what if someone else just jumps in to fill in the gap?

As moms, we put the world on our own shoulders. Yes, we are often the ones primarily responsible for running the household and raising our kids. But sometimes the importance of our role gets a bit blown out of proportion, and we begin to think that we are the ones who must do everything. Or, we may decide that sometimes it’s just easier to do it all ourselves rather than wait for someone else to help us.

There are so many problems with trying to do it all. One commonly discussed fact is that moms tend to neglect themselves in the child-rearing process. But there are other reasons why we should step aside and let other people in our households contribute to the family or learn to do things for themselves.

The Husbands

From what I’ve seen, most husbands actually want to help. I tend to be controlling and have a very specific idea about how certain things (like everything!) should be done. So, in raising our kids, I pretty much took over the majority of childcare tasks. The downside to this is that my husband:

a) didn’t know the process for a lot of things

b) felt discouraged about helping with the kids because he “couldn’t do anything right”

c) wouldn’t take initiative to take care of them when I wanted him to

I’ve improved in this area recently, now that the kids are 2 and 4. I was eating lunch the other day after everyone else had finished eating (isn’t that always the way?), and the little man cooked up a particularly stinky diaper. I had to fight the urge to stop mid-eating and go get it handled while everyone else complained about the stench. And you know what? My husband saw that I was still eating and took care of the offending mess. No questions, no complaints, he just got it done.

Another big change I’ve made is that I schedule time for myself. I will book something for myself for an evening when my husband is home. Or I will “book” some time for a task that I need to get done on the weekend, uninterrupted. I do not ask permission to take this time because other than “work time,” the kids are our shared responsibility.

The Kids

The kids need you to stop doing EVERYTHING for them. If you are like me, you will be surprised at what they can manage for themselves.

I used to do everything for my 4-year-old daughter. Now, when I suggest that she do something that I know she is perfectly capable of doing (like getting dressed), she will refuse, saying “I don’t know how.”

My eyes were truly opened to this when I enrolled my son in daycare when he was one, and I stayed with the class the first day to observe. The teachers had all these little one-year-olds doing things for themselves that I had never even tried to do at home. The best one was that they all laid down by themselves on their little mats to nap. We ended up deciding that daycare wasn’t the right option for him, but the message stuck with me.

I now push both kids to do as much as they can for themselves. I make sure to allow for enough time for them to complete each task, knowing that they may not do it right the first time (or the second). Time and extra patience are required!

The Upside

I have seen so many changes in our family since I stopped trying to do everything myself. My husband is jumping in a lot more to assist the kids with whatever they need. He is taking time to play with our children and I am thrilled to see that he is getting closer with them. Best of all, the balance for tending to their needs, whether initiated by the kids or by us, is becoming more even. Some of this is definitely due to their getting older and more independent, but also a direct result of my stepping back from the do-it-all (know-it-all) role.

I can tell that the kids feel a real sense of empowerment. They get the rhythm of our daily lives and get to participate in their own self-care. They are more willing to learn and try to do new things for themselves because of the new attitude we are cultivating.

The best part of all? I get to breathe a little more. Read a book once in a while. Eat a hot meal, and actually taste it.

Teaching Teens How to Have Healthy Cell Phone Habits

December 14, 2016 By Sara M. 17 Comments

Our growing reliance on cells phones for more than just communication adds an extra layer of complexity in our lives. We struggle as adults to maintain a healthy balance with technology, but what about our teens? They are growing up in an age where over-reliance on cell phones for stimulation is a perfectly natural way of life. Think about it: they will never know what it was like before the predominance of cell phones.

How can we teach them to have a healthy relationship with such devices? First and foremost, as parents, it is our job to pay attention to how our teens are using their cell phones, monitoring for both content and context. Here are some ideas to get you started:

Talk to Them About It

Address use of their mobile device head on. See your teen buried in their phone for extended periods of time? Address it – “Hey ______ , what are you working on?” “Let’s put our phones away and go do _____ .”

Talk about the fact that technology is a great tool, but that it often detracts from real-life opportunities and experiences. Teach them about the beauty of conversation, such as the nuances of body language that cannot be expressed via text or email. Explain to them how to limit their exposure to unrealistic messages from social media about having the “perfect body” or “perfect life.” Talk about the value of true downtime, meditation, and creativity. Explain the benefits of simply giving your brain a break from the constant flow of information.

Offer Opportunities to Get Involved/ Encourage Non Digital Hobbies

Down days are great, we all need them. It is normal for your teen’s first response to want to spend too much time on their phone. It is an easy way to be passively entertained. Offer to do something with your teen to get them re-engaged with the here and now. Bake some cookies, go for a walk, or go to the mall (and leave the cell phone behind). Or, suggest a solitary activity, like “Hey, weren’t you reading that book?” or “Why don’t you continue working on that awesome drawing you were working on earlier.” You will know best what kinds of activities will entice your child enough to put down their cell phone.

Set Up “Tech-Free” Zones

In our house, we only allow our teen to use her cell phone in public areas. That is, no cell phone in her bedroom or downstairs in the basement. The same rule applies for any friends she has over (we’ve gotten our share of eye rolls over this one). This is important for two reasons:

It limits the amount of time spent on the phone
It allows parents to have more oversight of cell phone usage

We also have a rule about not using cell phones during meals. We preserve this time to check in with each other on what is going on with our lives.

People Over Technology

Cell phones have quite an allure. Social media streams provide an endless supply of entertainment. It is easy to become consumed by it instead of working on true relationships with your family, friends, or anyone you might encounter.

Find opportunities to get your child interested in spending time with you. Engage them in conversation. Ask them to put their phone away while you spend time together. In social settings, establish rules for cell phone use. For example: When we have company over, put your cell phone away and participate in the conversation. If you want to check in with your friends, please leave the room to do so.

Being on your phone in a room full of people is not “spending time together.”

Be A Role Model

This is the best way to get your teen to improve their technology habits. Teens have a “hypocrisy” meter, so they will keep close tabs on how you interact with your cell phone and use what they see as justification for their own behavior.

With the portability of work, adults now have a lot more reasons to be on their cell phones. Your teen does not necessarily know why you are using your phone because they do not yet have the experience of having a career or work demands. Explain to them what you are doing when you need to quickly reply to an urgent work issue, or check your work schedule for the next day.

Be conscious to put your phone away during family times. Fight the urge to scroll through endless social media updates or play video games whenever there is a free second. Council yourself about what you decide is an appropriate amount of time spent on digital media, and be public about it. This will give your teen real-life examples on how to council himself or herself on finding a more appropriate balance with technology.

Do you have household rules related to time spent on cell phones? What other ways have you found to encourage your teen to develop healthy cell phone habits?

A Recipe for Making Your Grown Kids Feel Loved During the Holidays

December 12, 2016 By Sara M. 6 Comments

We just got home from the most amazing holiday trip. What really made it stand out in my mind was the stark contrast to the majority of our other family trips. You know, the ones where you come home so depleted that it takes you days to recover: the exhausting travel, the kids being out of sorts, not sleeping well in a strange place/bed, and way too much talking.

This year, our Thanksgiving trip was the exact opposite. I came home feeling more relaxed, uplifted, and loved than before.

And I can promise you it’s not because we shipped the kids off and spent a week in Tahiti. It was just the perfect combination of great family times and love.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what made it so special. Partially just to understand, but also to boil it down so I can remind myself when our grown children come home to visit us. Especially if they have kids of their own.

Here is the recipe I came up with:

2 Loving Grandparents

My husband’s father and stepmother were amazingly gracious hosts. I never felt like myself, my husband, or the kids were a burden to have in their home for several days. I enjoyed every aspect of spending time with them. I loved watching them get down on my kids’ level and truly engage them. It was so natural. And they were so easygoing that if the kids didn’t say or do exactly the right thing, they just patiently corrected them.

Each evening when the kids went to bed,we spent hours having great adult conversations. Since we’ve shifted into the parent role ourselves, we compared notes on kids and child-rearing. We dished about all aspects of life and business. My favorite part was getting to hear more stories about their adventures running an international adoption agency. Filled with the details that they can share with us now that we’re not kids anymore.

It was in sharing the deeper aspects of our lives and personal stories that we all got closer, solidifying our bonds at this new stage.

2 Patient Parents

Being in such a great environment helped us remain calm as parents. It takes a real load off when you know that even if your kids act up, it’s not going to ruffle your parent’s feathers. And when we’re calm, the kids are calm.

And the side benefit for us, with a system that works smoothly, we can take our attention off the kids and enjoy each other as husband and wife.

2 Well-behaved Toddlers

At 2 and 4, the kids’ behavior is typically a crap shoot. But this trip was an exception. The circumstances all blended together perfectly to encourage good behavior. They were polite, saying “please” and “thank you” without prodding. They interacted easily with their grandparents, even enjoying one on one time with them without any coercion.

1 Child Friendly House

Being in a well set up and welcoming home is 1,000 times better than living in a single hotel room with 2 toddlers. Their house was surprisingly childproof – this means nothing breakable from 3 feet down. Seriously, their house was actually better set up for toddlers than our own home.

1 iPad

I know, I know: screen time. But… strategically used for transitions, Netflix on the iPad works like a charm.

Great Food and Lots of Wine

It was just a small bonus that my father and step-mother-in-law have taken professional cooking classes and love to drink good wine.

No Schedule

Having a completely flexible schedule was the best gift. Once Thanksgiving Day was behind us, there were no requirements of doing anything at any particular time. This let us all just take a break from the typical rush-rush-rush of our daily grind, and not running the kids around is always easier on them.

The second piece of this was when we did decide to go out, we did kid friendly things. So often, when we spend time with family that don’t also have young kids, we are expected to make the kids endure activities that aren’t appealing to them (think visiting wineries and shopping malls). Instead, we visited an amazing playground downtown, and walked along a scenic waterside park at the kids’ leisurely pace.

The Secret Sauce

What tied all of the flavors together was the secret sauce. We all love each other because we are family. But getting to know each other at a deeper level allowed us to develop a love based more in friendship and camaraderie than your typical parent-child relationship.

There is something magical about when your parents can appreciate who you’ve become. When they honor your new role as parents and validate your efforts to raise decent human beings. When they look you in the eye, and tell you how proud they are of you. And at once you are both parent and child, strong and soft.

*****

All of these ingredients worked together seamlessly to create the most enjoyable holiday experience. It was refreshing and uplifting enough to easily overcome the exhaustion of traveling more than 10 hours each way in the car with toddlers.

I know that sometimes these ingredients are hard to find, but a couple of strategic tweaks to the recipe might result in a family tradition worth passing down for generations.

The Sanity Plan Principles Part 4– Forge Close Relationships

December 9, 2016 By Sara M. 2 Comments

Welcome to part four of The Sanity Plan Principles series. The fourth principle is:

Why do we need to “Forge Close Relationships?”

I bet you could instantly think of several reasons why you need close relationships. Relationships are a key component of our humanity. We live and thrive in an interconnected world.

But just knowing a ton of people is not enough. When you take a relationship deeper than just a casual acquaintance you can get so much more out of it.

Close relationships offer a sense of community. We become aware of the fact that we are not alone in this journey. We become tuned in to the needs of others outside of our immediate circles.

When you work to develop these relational bonds, you have someone to fall back on when you really need it the most. I’ve noticed that people are more likely to help one another when a connection has been established.

How do we “Forge Close Relationships?”

Note my use of the action word “forge.” I carefully chose this word because I want to emphasize the fact that it is our job to take action to create deeper relationships. They do not always happen naturally or without effort.

There are lots of ways to strengthen your relationships.

You can do this by sharing more intimately with the person. Instead of talking about a subject at the surface, dig a little deeper, express how you think or feel about the subject.

You can do this by sharing how you feel about the person directly. Do you tell them that you love them? Are you physically affectionate? And I am not just speaking about romantic relationships, although this applies in that case as well.

Can you deepen the relationship by helping the other person? An offer to help with your time or expertise can be a great relationship builder. This can be especially when it comes to business networking.

Beware of the Social Media Trap

It is really easy to fall into the trap of corresponding with family, friends, and work acquaintances primarily via social media. Even the use of digital communications such as text or email can be a barrier to closeness and understanding.

Have you ever gotten a message from someone that just came out wrong? No matter how you looked at it or tried to consider their point of view, it just came across as rude or distant.

This is because digital communications are missing some of the fundamental aspects of human interaction: facial expressions, body language, affect, tone, etc.

My experience

I know that I need close relationships in my life. When I begin to keep too many of my thoughts and emotions to myself, I default to feeling very alone.

I am extremely fortunate to have found a husband who I can share intimately with. This relationship is the backbone of my life. I also use emotional language with my children, parents, and siblings.

Outside of family, I’ve had a lot harder of a time developing friendships. I moved a lot throughout my life and haven’t had particularly longstanding friendships due to that. I like to have only a few really good friends at a time because I put a lot of energy into my relationships.

With my existing friends, I try to call them regularly (see social media above) and I like to get together with them as much as we can. I also know that I prefer to meet one on one with a friend, or even as two couples. Any more than that tends to overwhelm me.

I’ve made a bunch of new friends recently. I picked a couple of local women in a similar life stage to mine (with young kids) and really worked to get close with them. I am persistent in making plans to do play dates, balancing between being the host and the hosted (I like to be as fair as possible in sharing the burden). And when we do get together, I am honest and real, which often solicits a similar level of sharing in return. And as a result, I’ve been feeling a lot more connected to other people in my life.

Do you feel close to your family and friends right now? Are there any relationships that you would like to improve?

Next principle: Be Solution Oriented

How to Keep Long Distance Family Involved in Your Kids’ Lives

December 6, 2016 By Sara M. 15 Comments

As we become more and more of a global society, families will continue to be scattered across the world. My children’s grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins live in 6 different states. And beyond that, many of our relatives live in different countries.
This changes the dynamic quite a bit when you are raising a family and still want to keep everyone involved in your children’s lives.

Here is how we’ve been doing it:

Use a video conferencing application

Currently, we use Facetime because it’s so easy to do straight on your phone and most of our family members have iPhones. For those that don’t, we use Skype, which is also great for connecting via video.

It is so helpful for our kids to be able to see who they are talking with on video, instead of just a phone call with audio. This way they can easily connect the voice with the face. And it’s always fun for them to get to see what is going on at the other person’s house, interact with pets, etc.

Send out regular updates

Since the kids were born, I have sent out an email update about their progress. Typical things I include are height, weight, firsts (first time doing something), favorites (food, toys, books, shows), new words & sayings, motor skills, communication skills, comprehension skills, play skills, and cute stories.

I do this with email, but there are so many ways to do it now. On Facebook, you could create a family and friends distribution list or even create a completely separate family and friends group.

Make sharable gift lists

When people aren’t able to interact with your kids every day, it is often hard for them to know what to buy for your kids. We always get asked what do the kids need and want, and it’s hard to parse out ideas and remember who is taking care of what.

We solve this by using Amazon’s wish list feature. This is a great free service where you can specifically list all of the items you want for your kids. There is even a desktop widget you can download that allows non-Amazon items to be added. Two huge pluses for this service are that when items are purchased they are hidden from the list (avoiding duplication of gifts) and the purchaser has the option to send the items directly to the preloaded address (very similar to their baby registry, which I also loved).

Shop Amazon’s Holiday Toy List – Top 100

Use video sharing platforms

I use video sharing if I want to convey something more than a picture. Due to the size of videos it can be harder to share via email or text, so I typically upload videos to my private Youtube channel. If you do this with videos of your children, you definitely want to explore the different privacy settings. I have mine set to unlisted so that random people won’t find my videos in search, you can only access with a direct link.

I typically include a video with my updates (see above), but I also like to share videos of my children opening their gifts, or any special events that family member couldn’t attend.

*****

There are lots of different ways to engage with family even if they live far away. It definitely takes extra work to manage these additional communications, but I love seeing my children being able to connect with people that are important to us.

How do you connect with your long-distance family? Do you use any other applications to stay connected?

TheSanityPlan is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. All products recommended are used personally by us and opinions about them are our own.

10 Ideas for Giving the Best Gifts

November 22, 2016 By Sara M. 9 Comments

It’s that time of year again. Not even Thanksgiving and we are already being bombarded with Christmas decorations and festive music. While it is a magical time of year, it can also be quite stressful with the mounting pressure to buy presents. Presents for EVERYONE! For your spouse, your kids, your parents, your sibling(s), your friends, your bosses, your coworkers, your mailman… the list goes on.

How do you find the perfect give for that perfect someone? How do you get a gift that is just right without spending too much money? How do you know what another person really wants or needs?

Gift guides are circling the cyberworld faster than holiday gift catalogs, but do they really help us know what to buy?

I’m certainly not going to tell you what to get, but here are some ideas on how to pick out the best presents for everyone on your list:

START EARLY – By starting shopping early, you can take the pressure off yourself to come up with the perfect gift at the last minute. My mother in law has a great tradition of buying gifts for people throughout the year (starting just after Christmas). This is a great way to take your time and be thoughtful about the presents you purchase along the normal course of time. Don’t worry if you haven’t started yet, read on for more great ideas.
LISTEN – I mean, really listen to the person you want to buy for. If you pay attention from a giver’s perspective, you can cue on very particular things that the person wants or needs. I am very obvious when it comes to dropping hints about the types of things that I would like to receive (no shame, I know). Some people are not as obvious, but if you try to read between the lines, I am sure you could conjure up an idea or two.
TAKE NOTES – I keep a running gift note list on my phone all year round. When I come up with an idea, I pop it in there for future birthdays or Christmas.
PUT YOURSELF ASIDE – This is my most important message to you. When considering a gift for someone else, you must take your likes and dislikes completely out of the equation. No one will have the exact same response to an item that you do. You can certainly get lucky, or even close with your purchase, but I find that I am much better off using the giftee’s tastes and preferences as the basis for my purchasing decision.

Now, for some idea starters…

CONSIDER COMPLETING A THEME THE PERSON ALREADY STARTED – What is the recipient into right now? What are their hobbies and/or interests? Do they like gardening, photography, traveling, making their own wine/beer? Can you use their hobby as an idea source for gifts to give them?
THINK ABOUT GADGETS THEY ARE MISSING – Gadgets are awesome. I have received lots of great ones as gifts that I never considered buying for myself. Do you go over to their house a lot? Can you think of any useful gadgets that they are missing for the kitchen, bar, car, etc.?
GIVE A NON-MONETARY GIFT – Give the gift of your time or support. Offer to watch the kids (best present ever!) or bake them some cookies. Come over and make dinner for them one night, bringing all of the ingredients yourself.
PLAN EXPERIENCES YOU CAN DO TOGETHER – People in my family are super hard to buy for and I have very limited time these days, raising 3 kids. Offering to do something together with people is a great way to show how much you really care about the relationship, especially when giving your time is a big sacrifice. Some great ideas I’ve enjoyed are tickets to a local play or comedy show, and you can also leave it up to the recipient to bring whoever they choose.
PURCHASE SOMETHING THAT YOU SHARE AS A COMMON INTEREST – Think books or music or hobbies that you have in common. Is there something that they’ve commented on that you own (see “listen” above)? That is always good for a nice surprise.
CONSULT GIFT GUIDES AS A LAST RESORT – Gift guides can be very helpful. But the problem with going to them first is that you are skipping doing the real heavy lifting when it comes to buying a gift. First, it is important to really consider the person, then once you’ve narrowed it down, consult a gift guide for unique ideas in that category.

When all else fails, you are still stumped, and your brain is about to explode under the pressure – you can always ask for hints. I do consider it cheating, but hey, some people are really hard to buy for! Especially people like my husband and father, who just buy everything they want as they think of it.

What is your favorite approach to gift giving? What are the best gifts you’ve ever given or received?

How to Balance Competing Familial Obligations

October 25, 2016 By Sara M. 4 Comments

I frequently encounter competing familial obligations. And when it comes to family, I feel a much stronger urge to oblige, often sacrificing my sanity in the process. The trick is to balance these commitments based on their priority, and be proactive in finding solutions or alternatives if you can’t meet them all.

The Scenario

This past weekend we had earmarked for a Halloween tradition of pumpkin picking and carving at Grandma’s country house. About a week in advance, my single and carefree sister, told me she would be flying into a nearby city. She invited me to spend Saturday night and all of Sunday in the city, just the two of us.

This presented me with a very “tricky” situation as we have a young family that we are trying to establish traditions with. It was further complicated by the fact that I do want to work on having a better relationship with my sister now that my children are getting older (not breastfeeding, etc.).

The Decision Making Process

I was racking my brain for a way to try to make it work. I could take a separate car up to the country house, we could carve pumpkins on Saturday, and I could still make it into the city for a late dinner.

But I was dreading cutting into our weekend at the country and aware of how the kids would feel if I wasn’t there for the whole time. And the teen would be especially aware as she was really the driver in expressing how much this family tradition means to her. Not to mention the additional 5.5 hours that I would have to drive to make it work.

Part of this is a consequence outside of my control. My sister lives very far away, and gave me incredibly short notice to make these plans. Had we known earlier we could have potentially switched our plans given they were not time dependent.

Furthermore, I tend to think of my familial obligations in concentric circles surrounding me. So, the first layer would be our nuclear family (husband & kids), second layer would be our parents and siblings, and the third layer including everyone else.

Having this preset idea helps to stay firm in my prioritization of these commitments. No matter how I looked at it, I just couldn’t see how driving into the city would fit into our Sanity Plan.

The Solution

I talked it over with my husband as well to make sure we were in line. Once we were, I had to approach my sister to let her know the bad news. I was dreading it because I just knew she’d be upset. She has been consistently trying to get time to spend with me alone and I’ve been very slow to accommodate. I accept that this is a normal part of raising babies, but she doesn’t really understand that yet. And she has been really good about putting it aside by spending time with all of us, and being an especially good aunt to our children.

I was armed with two alternatives to visiting her in the city:

She was welcome to join us for our pumpkin tradition.
I would be willing to fly to her for a long weekend within the next month.

My heart was incredibly relieved to hear that it was no big deal that I wouldn’t be meeting up with her. She knew it was a stretch, but really had just wanted to throw it out there in case it would work. And she was thrilled with my offer to come visit her instead.

This situation had a great outcome (DISCAIMER: it does not always work out that well). My flight is booked and I am excited for a weekend where I can focus on reconnecting with my sister after being incredibly child and family focused for the past 4 years. And we were able to spend an entire weekend, uninterrupted, enriching a family tradition that I hope our children remember with affection for many years to come.

Have you encountered a situation like this recently? How do you balance your familial obligations?

Amazing Perspectives on Womanhood I Learned from My Husband

September 27, 2016 By Sara M. 5 Comments

Some of the most beautiful ideas about my womanhood came from an unexpected source: my husband.

Mr. Sanity didn’t have the best life teachers, but for some reason he came up with some incredible ways to look at life all on his own. He’s just “made of the right stuff.” And I’m the lucky girl he chose to share those perspectives with every day.

Now I’ve put my favorite ones together to share with you:

My perspective: Periods are GROSS

His perspective: Your body is doing what it is supposed to do. He will actually get into the whole process of how I’m shedding the lining that would have supported a new life but wasn’t needed this time around. He reminds me of the core purpose of the process, that it is a beautiful thing that only a woman’s body can do.

My perspective: PMS turns me into a crazy person

His perspective: He doesn’t particularly enjoy my increased emotionality and irrationality just before I get my period. However, he has given me the biggest pass of all. What he pointed out was that just because the emotions were heightened in my premenstrual state, doesn’t mean that the underlying issue that was bothering me wasn’t real. And hey, men have fluctuations in moods and emotions as well, the cycles are just shorter (daily).

My perspective: I have WAY too much hair on my body

His perspective: Some hair is sexy. Wait, what? He actually finds the super light peach fuzz on my cheeks/jawline/cleavage/butt to be incredibly sexy. I never would have considered this, and have spent many years like most women, fretting about and removing unwanted hair.

My perspective: My body is too squishy; my thighs are too big

His perspective: (caution: he’s biased) I am the most beautiful woman alive. He thinks my curves are my best feature and women with less meat on their bones look too thin to him. He also helps me put my own body image issues into perspective. I will often point out to him that I’m so much larger than so-and-so and he helps me see reality.

My perspective: I have to get made up to be beautiful

His perspective: I look sexy in anything, including sweatpants. (Although I have yet to test just how far down into disheveled I can go before it’s too far!) I am his wife and he sees my beauty regardless of what I wear. I tend to feel a bit frumpy because I so often don’t wear makeup and other women put a bit more effort into being put together.

He always reminds me that I don’t need makeup to be beautiful.

My perspective: Thongs are sexy (less is more)

His perspective: He actually prefers full coverage underwear. No, not granny panties, but just normal full bottomed undies. He actually finds them sexier, in addition to the fact that he thinks thongs look uncomfortable to wear all wedged up there.

My perspective: My body could use a few upgrades

His perspective: Women look best with their original equipment. He always points out how natural hair color is the best complement to natural skin color. He insists that breast size never mattered to him, and that most men he’s known feel the same way. (So much for that post breast feeding lift I’ve been considering.)

Sorry ladies, you can’t have him. But I hope his perspectives have given you a boost – because you are all wonderful, just the way you are.

Dear Mom, Look for Love All Around You

When a Big Change Fills Your Heart with Dread

Hey Mom, Stop Trying to Do It All!

A Recipe for Making Your Grown Kids Feel Loved During the Holidays

The Sanity Plan Principles Part 4– Forge Close Relationships

How to Keep Long Distance Family Involved in Your Kids’ Lives

10 Ideas for Giving the Best Gifts

How to Balance Competing Familial Obligations

The Scenario

The Decision Making Process

The Solution

Amazing Perspectives on Womanhood I Learned from My Husband

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