Parenting Archives - Page 5 of 5

Hands Down, Used Baby Clothes Are the Best (BONUS: Sources for Buying)

October 3, 2016 By Sara M. 25 Comments

My family and anyone who knew me before kids would be shocked to hear me say that used baby clothes are the best. I have come quite a long way from the girl who was weirded out by wearing clothes that someone else had worn. And then to have my kids wear them? No way.

I have since obtained clothing for my kids in every possible way (other than stealing, I suppose), from new boutique items to hand me downs. For the first year, I only let my daughter wear new clothes. It wasn’t until I received two huge bags of gorgeous hand me downs from a neighbor, that I began to change my mind.

Why I Love Used Clothes

They are broken in. My kids are sensitive to fabrics and used items tend to be a little softer and the seams looser from being previously worn and washed. The PJs are the best, super soft and no one cares if they are faded or have some stains.
Kids need junky clothes. I didn’t realize how stressed I was about keeping the new clothes in good condition until I had them wear used clothing. I practically hovered over my daughter with stain remover in order to keep up.
They are less expensive. Back to those money buttons of mine. I’ve found that even super-duper discounted new clothes were still more expensive than used clothes.
A lot of kids’ clothes are barely worn, especially dress up clothes. This is an amazing deal because dressy clothes are typically the most expensive, and those items are rarely worn and typically well kept.
Better for the environment. Used clothes still have so much life in them because young children grow so fast. It just feels less wasteful to reuse them.
You can afford nicer clothes. Used brand and boutique items from established companies tend to hold up very well. You can buy them in excellent condition for much less than even “cheap” new clothes.
Used clothes still have resale value. There is a huge market for used baby clothes. When I buy them right, I can sell some pieces for the same or potentially more money than I paid after my own kids wear them.

My Favorite Places to Buy Used (In Reverse)

#6 Thrift shops – I’ve only gotten a few really good finds at these, primarily because I don’t have the time or patience to pick through or go to multiple stores.

#5 Online thrift – I had a good experience buying from ThredUp, except the minimum for free shipping $79. Paying for shipping almost negates the deals. Good place to search for very specific items that you need or a brand that you want.

#4 eBay – There is a gigantic market for used baby clothes on eBay. Two downsides are that you do incur shipping costs, and that sellers occasionally do not have the same concept of what constitutes “excellent” condition. Usually, buyer has to pay for returns.

#3 Popup thrift shops – I went to my first of these this year and it was great. Way more organized than a regular thrift. You will pay slightly more than normal thrift because of the extra work it takes for them to host but well worth it. (Good for toys and equipment too.)

#2 Facebook Baby Clothes Groups – I love that you can buy in bulk, by size or season. You also get to see the items in person before purchasing. The pricing is only slightly above yard sales, but definitely less than thrift. I also join groups in wealthier areas outside of my area, make an offer on multiple items from one seller, and pay for shipping to my home.

#1 Yard Sales – My number 1 favorite place to buy is yard sales. I love that you can see the condition and buy only what you want. My best deal came from one particular yard sale where I purchased 3 years’ worth of clothing for my son. I negotiated the seller down to $150 for everything. A bunch of the items were new, so I sold them right away on eBay for $70.

I knew I was a used clothing convert when I set aside brand new items purchased for my son, and kept him in the used clothes. I feel so relieved when he stains or tears items that are used. I am not plagued by how much I paid for it. Hand me downs are definitely the cheapest, but I’d definitely search the yard sales for another jackpot like mine!

If you love this, share it with a new mama who’ll be buying truckloads of clothes in the future.

In a Rut with the Kids? Switch It Up

September 22, 2016 By Sara M. 1 Comment

It is so easy to get stuck in a rut with the kids. Routines are very comforting for young children. But with my kids, spicing things up keeps them stimulated and engaged. Bored = bad in my house.

Here are some of my favorite tactics:

Is that a HAT?

This is a very goofy looking game I played with my children. It was particularly great for situations where I didn’t have a lot of toys or distractions available, such as waiting in a doctor’s office or going on a long car ride (not to perform while driving). You’ll love the simplicity – I literally would just grab anything available, put it on my head, and ask,

“Is that a hat?”

Even when the kiddos were super young, they would look quizzically at me, not entirely sure about it but they certainly knew that the object did not belong on my head. Craziest thing I ever used? My daughter, who made a terribly squirmy hat.

I guess this could also explain why my children like to balance a variety of objects on their own heads. Very entertaining.

Do Something Usual in an Unusual Place

I can’t take all the credit for this one; it was inspired by my interpretation of something I read when my daughter was young (back when I had time to read).

Best example of this eating lunch. The lunchtime routine can get a bit old. Typical lunch foods, typical food games, typical mess. Try switching it up.

Have a picnic. In nice weather, schlep the whole meal out to the backyard on a blanket in the grass or even better, take it to the park. Don’t have enough time? Just sit out on the back steps. And when the weather doesn’t cooperate, have an inside picnic on the floor in a room other than the kitchen.

For this same reason, I occasionally allow my daughter to sleep in a pile of blankets on the floor instead of in her bed. It just gives her an extra incentive to go to bed when it’s a little different from the normal routine.

Try a Change of Scenery

This is a slightly different variation of the above. I have set up many different play stations in my house (much to my husband’s dismay) for this purpose.

Sometimes I’ve noticed that the kids get bored if you keep pushing them to play in one particular location with one particular set of toys. When I notice this happening, I encourage them to go to play at a different play station. I might run upstairs with them and get them started playing together in one of their rooms. Or, I have a small basket of their books in our living room. I will suggest that they check out a book in there for some wind down time.

Right now, we are going through a tough time with our 20-month old son who hates to be left on his own to play, so this concept helps reignite his interest by directing him to a new set of toys in a different location.

Do you use any of these tactics? How do you keep your kids engaged in activity long enough to do some work or chores?

Our Teen’s Friends Labeled Us “The Healthy House”

September 19, 2016 By Sara M. Leave a Comment

It’s true, we eat healthy. But I never really understood how other people see us until I had a house full of bubbly girls over for our teen’s 13^th birthday party. As they gathered around the center island munching chips and salsa and veggies and dip, I heard the commentary about how we’d been designated as “The Healthy House.” It wasn’t particularly snarky, just a statement of fact with a slight bit of teasing for good measure. But there were a lot of raised eyebrows when I pulled out the Cheetos and cookies. It was a birthday party…

Healthy Habits

Honestly, I have never really considered how other people see our eating habits. We have been on a mission for the past decade to improve our eating. We try to be more conscious about what we consume. It started with eliminating fast food chains. I will make an exception for Panera, but recently I’ve been pulling back on that because of the high calorie meals and sweet temptations. We do eat a decent local pizza about once per week. What teen (or adult) could live without pizza every now and then?

I try not to buy too many snack foods either. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE Fritos, Cheezits, Cheetos, Mac’N’Cheese, Captain Crunch, Lucky Charms, etc. But if I buy anything of this nature, every single person in the house will rummage past all the fresh fruit and vegetables and eat that first (including me!).

What do we eat instead? Grilled meats, steamed veggies, fresh fruits, whole grain breads and bars, low sugar cereal, nuts, full fat milk and yogurt, etc. Plenty of butter and unprocessed salt. And dark chocolate. I always sprinkle in a little junk here and there so we don’t feel too deprived. You can read more of our food rules here.

How Other People See Us

It never occurred to me that my teen would be identified as a healthy eater. What she packs for lunch is normal to us, but apparently her classmates find it odd. She brings PBJ’s on whole wheat bread with water, sliced cucumbers or carrots, and no sugar applesauce. Or, she’ll make herself a salad.

When I talked to her about it, she laughed. She listed off the things her friends bring to school: several packages of Tastykakes, sandwiches on white bread, and sugary fruit drinks to name a few. And yes, I was shocked. Horrified actually! How can these girls study and concentrate if they don’t have real food to feed their brains?

But I am very aware of making sure my daughter is not singled out for our crazy habits. It’s hard enough being at a new school with new friends in a new area without being labeled as different, or worse, weird. I remember what that was like as my parents had plenty of different ideas about life.

So, I offered to buy her some junk food.

Was she feeling deprived?

Does it bother her that we eat so healthily?

To my surprise, it didn’t bother her at all. She likes the way we eat and doesn’t mind being different. After all, to a teen girl, being “The Healthy House” isn’t the worst label we could have. For now, that is.

What Do You Look for in a Caregiver for Kids?

September 16, 2016 By Sara M. 22 Comments

A big part of our Sanity Plan is getting help with the kids. With very little help from our families, we are forced to hire a caregiver to help us balance the workload. Over the past month, we have been interviewing part time babysitters for our 4-year-old daughter and 20-month old son.

While we much prefer word of mouth referrals, we had to resort to using a web service. We received 41 applicants, and reached out to at least 10 individuals who didn’t directly apply.

The process has been painstaking and has taken much longer than any other time that we’ve done it. The applicants have a wide range of skills and experiences. Some are moms, some are in school, some work several jobs, some are trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives (aren’t we all?).

On the bright side, the lengthy process has afforded us the time to really consider what we need and would like from a caregiver.

More Like You or Less Like You?

I landed on less like me. Our children get plenty of me. And while they love spending time with me, bringing another adult into the house allows them the opportunity to interact with a different type of person.

I’ll explain. I am a pretty strict disciplinarian, and I tend to have high expectations. I err more on the side of tough and impatient than sweet and calm. This, coupled with my children’s strong wills, can be very challenging. I try every day to be a better, more patient mom, but hiring someone who is more naturally able to do this alleviates the stress for all of us.

Secondly, I have pretty low energy (as Mr. Sanity would say: that’s a nice way of saying I am the most sedentary person on the planet). It means that I am not jumping up and down to run around outside and play catch and climb all over the playground. And my kids, especially the boy, need just that. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve come a long way, but it’s not my natural state and even harder to do when I’m summoned for duties each morning at 5:30 a.m. Therefore, I am looking for someone who is active, likes to be outdoors, and will wear my kids out so that we can all be couch potatoes in the evening. Maybe they will even sleep through the night!

Lastly, I am a dreadful housekeeper, so it’s important to me that the person be willing to clean up after the two messiest kids on the planet (since we are handing out awards).

What Areas Should the Caregiver Focus On?

I have always had a big agenda of all the fun things I would show and do with my kids. I think I **may** have hit approximately 10% of that list. Since we are hiring someone to devote 100% of their time and attention to the kids, they can now accomplish some of those goals. Thank God I’m over the phase of thinking I had to be the one to do everything!

For the 4-year-old: Feed her love of learning with exploration and discussion. I need her to be encouraged to clean up after herself. Continued efforts to teach her independence for self-maintenance tasks. She must not be allowed to be rude or demanding.

For the 20-month old boy: I need him to be encouraged to speak instead of scream for things. I would like him to be taken out almost every morning to the park, library, or local attraction. Work on self-feeding and undressing.

For them both together: reinforce what they can do together, and encourage time apart when they are having trouble getting along.

The incredible opportunity to hire a caregiver has given us a reason to reevaluate our family goals for our children. We definitely want a person who has similar values, but we can also pursue traits that can complement our parenting skills as well.

What do you look for in a caregiver? Please share with someone you know who is going through this process today.

Your Kids Are Doing the Best They Can

September 12, 2016 By Sara M. 10 Comments

Hanging out with little kids all day, it is easy to get frustrated with challenging or difficult behavior. I speak from experience, having been a teen when my siblings were young and now having an almost 2 and 4-year-old of my own.

This past year has taken my stress level to epic proportions as both of them are working to assert their will. The Little Man, at 20 months, is struggling with continuing to scream for things instead of speaking the words he can. He is demonstrating even more forcefully that he NEVER EVER wants to have his diaper or his clothes changed. And coming in from outside results in window shattering screams.

Our daughter, at almost 4, is also tough. Very sharp and very challenging. Best way to describe her is that her emotional capabilities have not caught up to her mental capabilities. She wants to do what she wants to do now, and there will be a tantrum if things don’t go her way.

One way of thinking that has proved very helpful for me is remembering that your child is doing the best that they can. This is not a natural thought for me. Most of the time, it feels like they are acting out on purpose, testing me, challenging, and simply trying to get their way.

That’s the key – they are doing all of those things.

And THAT is the best that they can do.

THAT is what they are supposed to be doing.

Meltdowns & Tantrums

Consider an example. My daughter at almost 4, had a meltdown the other day because I wouldn’t let her color before getting dressed for school. I had already conceded to allowing her a glass of milk before getting dressed, and she had agreed to do it afterwards. When she asked to color, I told her “no” and reminded her that she had agreed to get dressed. Immediately, I could see her dig in. Tears of anger came to her eyes and she was escalating. I tried again to calmly remind her but I could not stop the train. She started screaming and spewing “nasties” and I sent her to her room to work it out. As awful as it is, this is where she is at. This is her skill level at this time. She has not developed the emotional control needed to remain calm when she doesn’t get what she wants or the patience and logic to see that she will get to color after she does her obligations.

Even when a child behaves “badly,” they are doing the best that they can. That doesn’t make it right. That doesn’t mean that we must allow certain behaviors to continue. What it means is that there are certain limitations still in play developmentally, and additional time and coaching are needed to correct them.

I’m telling you this because I have to remind myself of this ALL THE TIME. Without this perspective, I react with anger and frustration instead of calm understanding of their limitations. This can create a bad cycle because then the kids are reacting to my anger instead of focusing on the lesson that they must learn.

Beyond Childhood

This perspective can be applied to adults as well. The way people choose to behave (good and bad) is a result of their personality, upbringing, and life experiences. I encounter grownups all the time whose actions make me stop and scratch my head. I have to remember that I am viewing their behaviors through my own framework of how adults should act, as opposed to looking at it from their point of view.

You might see people making poor decisions on how they spend their money or prioritize their time. You might see people who act aggressively on the road or act rudely to wait staff in a restaurant over something minor. You might encounter a boss who takes credit for your work or a coworker who throws you under a bus in order to get ahead. These examples demonstrate some true limitations in character, self-control, self-awareness, and work ethic. It’s where they are at. Not to be tolerated when it impacts you, of course, but it helps to remember that people are the product of their lives. And that is their problem, not yours.

Have you tried this or a similar mantra for being patient with your children? Do you know any adults who still act like toddlers sometimes?

The Truth About ‘Not Getting Anything Done’

September 8, 2016 By Sara M. 5 Comments

It’s 4 o’clock on a Friday and I’m feeling stressed and panicked. My mind is muddled, with only one thought ringing loud and clear.

“I haven’t gotten anything done today.”

But wait, is that really true? I haven’t gotten anything done today? Anything at all? I take a moment to review my day.

Up at 6 with the kids, keep them quiet and occupied until 8 when the rest of the house awakes
Help the teen with some laundry
Feed the whole family a proper breakfast of fried eggs, at different times
Clean up from breakfast
Dress the Littles
Take 4-year-old to summer camp by 9
9-12 – pick up around the house and keep an eye on the little man who refused to go down for nap
Help husband with some work files
12:15-1:30 interview a new babysitter in person
1:45-2 interview a new babysitter via phone
Feed littles and get them down for naps
Set up a meeting for work

And I’m sure I’m missing a few things. Back to that thought, though, it’s not exactly accurate. I’ve gotten TONS done today. I just haven’t had time to do the things I wanted to do today. Like create some demonstrations for work, work on the blog, shower, or put away the laundry.

The Bigger Picture

That struggle I feel between work that is valued or not. Tasks related to the kids or home are not “real work” to me. I don’t feel the same sense of accomplishment that I do when I get a project done at work, or have a successful sales meeting. And I often don’t even allow time for those things, demonstrating again where I put their importance in the scheme of my life. And for me, this negative thinking is not exclusively related to the kids. When I was in school and not working, I often felt lost and directionless. I had less of a sense of achievement without the firm concrete goals that working for someone else often provides.

At the surface, this mentality could easily point to how I was raised. In my household, domestic tasks were considered less important than working or education. Or perhaps it can be blamed on societal ideas that domestic tasks are an old fashioned view of women’s work. Or maybe it is strictly a fault in my personality that I find it difficult to perceive value in the more nuanced or maintenance type tasks.

The Solution

And while I could conduct a more in depth analysis of what has led me to this way of thinking, I’d much rather focus on the solution. Awareness of the faulty thinking is the first step. Disputing the thoughts is the next step. And mentally re-framing the thoughts is the last step.

So, the next time I catch myself thinking “I haven’t gotten anything done today,” I will pause to reflect. I will recognize that this thought leads me to think and feel very negatively (in this case, stressed and panicked). I will consider everything that I have accomplished, domestic tasks included. Lastly, I will make a plan for addressing the other tasks on my list. Because, there is always another day for my to-dos. And hey, raising kids is my important work!

Do you struggle with this? Do you place the same value on tasks related to caring for your children versus work related tasks?

Even as a SAHM or SAHD, is it hard to shake needing concrete tasks and goals to feel accomplished?

A Different Back to School Story

September 3, 2016 By Sara M. 2 Comments

I took my daughter, who is almost 4, back to daycare today after being off for the summer. I stayed to observe while she played on the playground with her class and got accustomed to the kids and the teachers. Then I coaxed her to join the line the rest of her class had made. They all walked obediently into the room, and it was then that I noticed her face.

She looked absent and worried, standing slightly offset to the line. It was so easy to see that she was so overwhelmed by the commotion. She was so deeply removed that it took me calling her name 3 times to say goodbye before she noticed. It hurt me so much to watch her suffer.

I drove home with a heavy heart. I brooded about it all day and overnight, and decided that if she hated school we would pull her out yet again. This decision was solidified by her difficult behavior at home that evening and the next morning. She was overly emotional and defiant. In the morning, she dug her heels in about getting dressed causing the whole morning routine to take more than two hours. I thought for sure we’d have a fight about going to school.

But there was no fight.

When we arrived at school, I was shocked to hear her say:

“Is this my school? I love this school!”

And she threw off her seat belt to get out.

She loves her school?! Her overwhelming, 20 kids to a class, 2 new teachers, school filled with colors and chaos and noise.

And then something clicked for me. A wise person recently told me that we can love something and still be overwhelmed by it at the same time. I experience this all the time in my own life. I love going to the city for the day. I feel stimulated by the sights and sounds and people. I jump at the opportunity to go. But when the stimulation wears off, I need time to wind down. I need to rest. I need to let my senses return to normal in my own private, quiet, and comfortable place.

She is no different. And it will be my job as her parent to encourage her to explore those opportunities that stimulate her, while teaching her how to regulate her emotions when they are over. I will teach her how to take a quiet moment for herself, sit outside on the porch, read a story on the couch, or snuggle in my lap.

I will teach her to enjoy the best of both worlds.

The “No” Jar & The “Hard Time” Bucket

September 1, 2016 By Sara M. Leave a Comment

Do you have a Toddler who loves to say no? To everything? Before you even get the chance to fully lay out their options?

Well, I do. And given my luck I have another one with the same tendencies barreling through to terrible two’s as we speak.

In fact, the girl loves to say “no” so much that when we teased her about it being her favorite word, she replied, “No, it’s not.” Um, okay, righto.

The “No” Jar

That’s when I began to collect her “no’s”. Every time she told me no, I told her I was going to take that no and save it. I explained that when she asks me for something later, I was going to give it back to her. You should have seen the look on her face as she mulled it over. And to my surprise, she actually decided to take it back and do what I was asking her to do.

I had finally found a tactic that reduced some of the blatant, heel digging in, tantrum preparation behavior that consistently wears me down.

Now, one point to mention, is that Little Girl has a big imagination so she was easily able to understand my verbal explanation. But here is how I would vary it if your little one doesn’t get it at first. Try actually grabbing the “no” out of the air and stick it in a jar. If that still doesn’t do the trick, try writing it down on a piece of paper instead.

Need a portable solution? Pretend that you are putting the “no” in your pocket.

The “Hard Time” Bucket

Now for the Hard Time Bucket. Same principles as above but instead of “no” it’s for generally giving a hard time. For Little Girl, it can be going to bed or stopping a movie so that we can eat dinner. Now we’ve gotten to the point that I can simply remind her that she’s giving me a hard time, and the next time she wants something, I will DEFINITELY be giving her a hard time about it. Works like a charm! Good luck with your toddler negotiations!

Sanity Check: Sometimes it takes stepping back and identifying a particular behavior as a trouble spot. Try several different solutions until you get the result you need. Get creative!

Thank You for Loving My Kids

August 22, 2016 By Sara M. Leave a Comment

As I sit here on your very last day with us, I am trying to find the words to describe this sinking feeling in my gut. I am so sad to have you go, and I’ve been mourning this day almost since you got here.

It would be easy to list the “things” you have done for us every day. Playing with the kids, carting them to and fro, feeding them and picking up after them. Believe me, all of those things alone would be reason to miss you.

But what I will miss the most is how you loved them. It was clear to me the first time I saw you play with my son’s hair absentmindedly. I treasure your endless supply of patience, which must truly be a gift to my children when I have clearly run low on it these days. You love them wholeheartedly, despite their challenges and demands and whether they are open to it or not.

By loving our children, you gave me such a gift. I was able to relax when you cared for them, spending time recharging my batteries and working on creative work. It made the transition so much easier for me, that the kids willingly waved goodbye to me in order to go and have fun with you. Your willingness to wait for my daughter to come to you on her own terms is the most special gift of all, and demonstrates a skill not found in most people your age.

I had no idea that our summer would go this way. Your limited experience with kids was no problem, you jumped right in and watched and listened and learned. And I have learned from you as well, that all of our hard work means something. That other people see us as doing a great job even though it’s hard to see for ourselves. That our kids are turning out just fine.

Thank you for spending the summer with us. Thank you for opening your heart and becoming a part of our family. Thank you for loving us.

You will be missed.

5 Things I Wish I’d Done Before Kids

August 22, 2016 By Sara M. Leave a Comment

While I’m glad that the list is short, some of these are really big and really HARD to do now that the little love bunnies are here.

Get organized/Have established routines

Prior to kids I was pretty efficient. The things that I wanted to do got done, and I didn’t need a lot of lists or organizational tools to accomplish them. Lazy? Maybe. I just had more room in my brain for keeping track of all the odds and ends. Now with kids, especially more than one, I feel the most disorganized I ever felt. I consistently forget things I wanted to do or remember and often find it difficult to complete tasks or get out of the house on time (hard for a previously punctual person!)

Save more money

I did save quite a bit before kids, having spent 14 years working prior to having them but I also took on considerable debt to buy a house and do my MBA. Having better funded retirement accounts and general savings would have helped me not to worry so much about taking time off of work to be with the kids or paying for help/daycare when I did need to work. For me, money in the bank equals freedom.

More defined career path

This one has is mixed. I wish I’d invested more time in cultivating a specific career path during my undergrad degree. Then while working, I wish I’d maintained that path instead of letting the available jobs and companies dictate the path for me (think more purposeful career path). On the flip side, looking back, I am not sure that I was capable of making those decisions at that time due to being unsure of my talents/preferences/skills. I also got tons of difference types of work experience that I would not have if I had had a more direct work experience.

More traveling/exploring

I knew kids would limit our ability to travel, but it was hard for me to understand exactly how long we’d be held back. First of all, traveling with the kids is hard to call a vacation. Secondly, with our limited support network, we haven’t even been able to travel as a couple alone. Several of the years prior to getting married our vacations were mostly in the Caribbean, and while I love the beach, going abroad to places like Europe are much more stimulating for me (and more expensive, see money above).

Skydiving!

Do you have a wild regret like this one? I’m serious about skydiving. I wish I’d taken the plunge before kids because it is just not a risk that I am willing to take now that they are here. Originally, I thought that I’d only feel this way because they are young but I think it would be hard for me to do anything to risk my life even when they are adults. Because I love them more than anything and I will always feel even somewhat responsible for them. And while I have read the statistics on driving in the car is more dangerous, I’d rather limit the risks that I can control so no skydiving for me.

What about you? Do you have a similar list, or are your regrets completely different?