First time parenting is rough. It’s one of those things in life that even preparation leaves you unprepared. I studied early child development during my Psychology degree. I read tons of books while pregnant. I drew on my experiences from taking care of my younger siblings as a teen. I talked to everyone I knew about parenting strategies.
Despite all of this, what I learned about my daughter, my firstborn, was mostly in retrospect after my second arrived.
How “Little” She Really Was
This may sound intuitive to some people, but I continually expected my daughter to be so much more capable than she actually was. I pushed her very hard to be able to sit quietly, entertain herself, play well with other children, and get quickly over disappointments and tantrums.
But now, watching my 22-month-old son, I am struck by how little she really was at this age. Now I “get it” and I am gentler with him (and her) because of it. I better understand how much time it takes to learn to communicate or develop emotional control.
I think part of what made it so hard for us to see was that she was so advanced. She ate with utensils at 10 months old. She spoke in full sentences at 18 months. She could entertain herself for an hour or sometimes more. She appeared so much more mature than she actually was.
How Much She Was Capable of Doing for Herself
I had super high expectations for her on some things, but I also had very low expectations in other ways.
It wasn’t until I enrolled my son in day care at 1 year that I realized how much babies could do for themselves. Their goals for that age were self-feeding and self-care. They were consciously teaching this age group things I was still doing for my daughter at 3.
I had just done so many things for her, instead of taking the time to empower her to do them for herself. I picked out her clothes, dressed her, washed her hands for her, even fed her if it was too messy.
So now, with two little ones, it is a lot easier to encourage him to try more things for himself. And I get a lot more resistance from her because I have helped her for so long. She sees my reluctance to help her with those things as me pushing her away.
How Much She Was Not “Boyish”
At the risk of sparking the gender debate, please remember this is just an account of our experience.
My husband and I watched her approach to life and would often comment that she was more like a boy than a girl. She was aggressive and rough, preferring blocks and cars to dolls and stuffed animals. She wanted to run around, jump around, and be thrown up in the air.
At 1, we noticed she was incredibly mechanically minded, driven to figure out how things worked. She was fascinated by buckles and latches, manipulating any she could get her hands on.
When our boy arrived, it become obvious how wrong we were. The elements of her that had seemed to be “boy-like,” now proved characteristics of her unique personality as opposed to being gender related.
Our son does not ever stop moving. She can sit still for long periods of time exploring a book or a puzzle. Our son is rough and tumble in a different way, often getting hurt without even noticing. Our son climbs everything, whereas it never occurred to our daughter to try some of the things he’s climbed until she saw him do it.
How Kids Are So Different
So often we watch our son do something that instantly reminds us when our daughter did the exact same thing. Their mannerisms are so similar it is eerily reminiscent of déjà vu. And yet, what I’ve really learned is that they can also be so different, despite being so alike.
Our little man is sweet and sensitive, craving physical closeness. She’s much more independent, preferring physical contact on her own terms. She plays imaginatively, while he is very physical: throwing balls, pushing cars, running, and jumping. She loves to communicate; he is not determined to do so. He tends to get frustrated and gives up easily, she will persevere until she solves it.
How Siblings Aren’t Necessarily Good for Each Other
This one was a huge hurt for me. I knew from my husband’s experience that sibling relationships aren’t always easy. However, nothing could have prepared me for what happened.
She was two when he was born. Our son was a difficult baby, who commanded an extraordinary amount of time and attention. She had been very attached to me up until that time, barely allowing anyone else to do anything for her, even my husband.
His arrival broke our bond in a very intense way. Despite our goal of encouraging additional connections in her life, I wish it had not happened in such a drastic manner. Looking back, I don’t think there was much more that we could have done to ease her transition, short of postponing having another baby.
It took her more than a year to even out, get more settled into her new role. We are heartened by the beginning of a relationship between them now that he is almost 2.
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These are not things you can learn from a book or a more experienced parent. You have to live them and breathe them, and let the experiences change you. I have regrets, but I can’t change the past. I can learn from these insights, applying them to each new stage as we all grow together.
I wish I had known #1 for my oldest and #2 for my second! Thankfully, it’s not too late!
It’s not too late is becoming my new motto – otherwise, I’d get bogged down in parenting guilt.
Very interesting. It’s pretty amazing watching little humans become their own people!
It really is. Thanks for reading!
I had my children six years apart, so I have a 13 year old, 7 year old and 1 year old. What I found is that I didn’t realize just how BIG my children were until the next one was born. They seemed like they became giants overnight! My oldest is a boy and we have a good relationship. He lives with his father and I see him on weekends. My other two are girls. My 7 year old has taken the baby pretty hard. She was used to essentially being the only child until Ella came along. It’s difficult for her to see how much time the baby takes but she willingly gives it up for her sister because she has a huge heart. I imagine, at 2, it difficult for the older sibling to understand what is happening, whereas I could explain it to my 7 year old.
That is a neat perspective as well – they are so big in one way and yet you realize how little they are in another. I truly wish I would have had more time in between – to give each of them a little more space and devoted time.
I loved reading your words here! It’s so true how different siblings can be and how we need to grow with our kids. I love thinking of how much I’ve grown since being a mom!
I love how much I’ve grown as well!
This differences in your children sound so parallel to my mine, so I really relate to this. Though I have two boys, my oldest is very similar to your daughter— extremely advanced, strong willed, verbal, etc. where are my youngest is much less verbal but more emotional and loving.
It’s nice to hear that others have a similar experience 🙂 Thanks for reading.
You know, it is nice to hear that siblings aren’t always necessarily good. I am an only child, grew up fine. But now everyone is pressuring my husband and I, asking when we will give our little one a sibling. He’s just 1 1/2 and I still want to enjoy him a bit more.
This one is a hard one. I definitely would not take back having my son, and ultimately I hope that they find value in their relationship someday…. but, it is very hard today and certainly not what I imagined.
Some of the same realizations have hit me now that we have two children. I too set my expectations way too high and too low at times. I feel like the second time around it is so much easier.
That’s exactly what I wish I could have known – but I don’t think I would have learned just by someone telling me. It’s actually been helpful to hear so many other mamas have had the same experience.
It’s so easy to get swept up in the bubble of your first child and not be able to have perspective outside of your own kids and experience!
Very true!
Some of these really struck a chord with me. #1 is so true!!